Thursday, 25 June 2015

wet or not, it was not nice

*from the unpublished archives, 2008, its funny because reading this now its not something that would bother me, but it clearly did back then...omg i was such a drama queen lol*

Topaz asked me if you show any compassion when your hurting me, when its clear im in pain that im struggling with it and want it to end, my reply without thinking about it was no, you dont, you dont have any compassion at all, the more im not enjoying it the more you like it...thats an accurate observation dont you think?

But you have an answer for that...."your cunt is always soaking wet, the more nastier the pain, the more responsive you become, that is all i need to know!"

That is besides the point.

The caning was brutal, and ok i wont deny that i loved it, once i got into sync and could ride the pain, and then when i was starting to get really spacey, you undid the wrist cuffs, so i could move a bit more freely, ankle cuffs still attached, then you put clover clamps on my nipples, with the chain running underneath the table and connected, and continued with the caning.

You ruined my fun, as i soon realised that as i instinctively rose up from each stroke it would pull on the chain, and it was difficult processing the different sensations, i couldnt relax into the caning as i was before, im guessing that was your intention?

I tried to keep still, but i was struggling, i damn well told you it was hurting a lot, that i didnt like it, and you had the audacity to say "i know" and laugh!  i dont feel at all bad at swearing at you, not that you took any notice.

Then, because obviously you didnt feel that i was tormented enough, you rubbed this cream on my ass and up my ass!! and it started to burn, and i started to struggle even more, and im not sure what i was more stressed about my nipples dropping off, which might have been a welcome relief, or my ass setting on fire..

Your dick must be like the rest of you, unfeeling because you fucked my ass, with no condom and the cream didnt effect you!!! whereas i was squirming and screaming like a wild thing....and then you made me lick you clean, and i hate that, you know, when its been there!! oh why the hell not, the rest of me is burning my tongue might as well be as well....but it was ok, one small mercy i suppose.

Nope, not nice.

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

How well do you know your blog/blogging?

Found this and doing it for a bit of fun..not happy with the post i am working on....and so the draft folder gets even more fuller.

Answer these questions about your blog, no cheating and looking.

1)  Your top 5 popular posts, bonus if you get them in order.

Purple boobies, bdsm room 101, nipple piercings, pushing boundaries, ummm umm thinking....the sadomasochistic pretty sure the first 2 are in order.  first one was right! correct order is purple boobies, nipple piercings, bdsm room 101, you cant? hmm really, return to room 101.

2)  Last 5 blogs you commented on.

His slut, a slave to Master, submission to slavery, songs from his nightbird, submissive missions...not in order.  yep right

3)  How many followers do you have?

191 i think  194, not too far off

4)  Your total viewings, to the nearest 100? 

no idea, complete guess 150,000 ish 219,594..ok way off, but really who checks that!

5)  How many blog posts have you published?

800 ish  813

6) How many posts in drafts?

about 120  131

7)  How many blogs do you follow?

no idea, around 100 possibly dont know how to check that!

8)  what post has received the most comments?

purple boobies....amazing what a pair of tits can do!  well im confident its that post, i dont know how to check!  still dont know how to check lol

9)  Your first blog entry title?

very short and sweet..."this is the beginning" or words to that effect  This is just the start...close enough.

10)  Why did you choose the name of your blog?

i didnt, my Master did, he set it all up, and i was told i was blogging!  thats how it was!

Monday, 22 June 2015


I dont like it, but i want it, i hate it when its happening, but i love it and dont want it to stop.

Im so contradictory.

Im so sure, of what i think, and then im not so sure.

I have often thought myself difficult, still do sometimes, i wander where i fit in, do i need to fit in anywhere?

Being pushed/forced to do something i dont want to do i find really reinforces the mindset of being submissive, for me, but yet he would prefer my compliance because submitting is, using dictionary definition...accepting/yielding to another, so if he has to use force or push me its not submitting is it?

Is that not contradictory?

But he does always get what he wants, one way or another, where im difficult i think is i get these mental blocks in my head, which i cant get past, it could be that im thinking "we shouldnt do this or that, its not right" or i simply waste too much energy on thinking of the what if's.

I do generally come around to his way of thinking, not always, its like with the whole limits thing, its only very recently that i have changed my views on that, but there are things, most especially surrounding the idea of enslavement that i do disagree with him on.

Not that it matters, because its his way that it goes, but that doesnt stop me from having my own opinions, and they are subject to change, he doesnt object to that, as long as i still go his way....and i do.

Im not complicated, im just changeable, dependent on which way the wind is blowing, how much coffee i have had, time of the month.....

Let's just say he is a very patient man!  to a certain extent!

(yes comments to reply to, on it tomorrow)

Thursday, 18 June 2015

The chains you cannot see

Kink of the week is chains

I thought i would put a different twist on this.

His chains surround me
keeping me bound
secure in my place
they cannot be seen
but i feel them

i feel them, with every move i make
whether i am by his side or not
they clunk loudly if i stray too far
pulling me back to where i belong
reminding me of my place

there is always a rattle
that cannot be heard, yet they speak to me
giving me reassurance when i need it
safe in these bonds
his possession, his willing captive
chained to him by
chains you cannot see

Tuesday, 16 June 2015


I made an appointment to see my diabetic specialist, along with my own doctor, i have been putting it off for months because i just didnt know where to start with what i wanted to discuss.

Since being diagnosed with diabetes i have had to face up to the fact that it has changed me, it has impacted certain aspects of our relationship, most especially in regards to s/m, even now im getting the right insulin and its more better controlled than it has been, it does require strict control.

Just for those that have no knowledge of type one diabetes...

Im insulin dependent, i inject 4 times a day, sometimes more if needed, i have to eat regularly, no skipping meals, i have to be careful about what i eat, some fruits contain too much natural sugar, i can have sweet stuff but very little.

My blood sugar levels can drop drastically due to an increase in physical activity, which can result in making me irritable, anxious and cause erratic behaviour, symptoms can vary from my skin being cold and clammy, blurred vision, dizziness, shaking, headaches and more.

It means i need a quick fix of sugar, i usually have glucose tablets on hand, then wait 15 minutes and test blood again, no improvement, repeat, still no

And then there is high blood sugar levels, which can be caused by not eating well, emotional stress, feeling unwell.  This means i need more insulin, which i always have on hand, if it gets really high its hospital.

So, i spoke to the doctors about how i engage in s/m and if there are any precautions we. or i should be taking, they both were really good, they both have not come across this situation before, so it was quite funny witnessing their reactions.

Diabetic doctor straightaway was "no bruising, no having limbs restricted via bondage, no open cuts no damage to feet at all" (yeah foot problems are a big issue with diabetics) and a lecture on the importance of circulation.

yeah...we have a problem doctor!

feet, i will concede on, i have no problem with missing out on bastinado, but no bruising, no bondage and no open cuts, that is not happening, im not giving up those, just have to exercise more caution.

That pretty much rules out many of the things we enjoy!

The other issues for diabetics, one of which i didnt know and im glad i do now is, it effects my electrolyte levels, which she did explain in great detail..but basically electrical play is very dangerous and can have serious consequences for a type one diabetic, i dont mind admitting she scared the shit out of me when she explained why!  so thats a mourning that loss!  apart from tens units that is acceptable..have to make do with that.

Also i bruise easier, then there is either (dependent on blood sugar level) less feeling of sensation during impact play or more, which explains why sometimes i really have not been able to handle things that before i have had no problems with.

So, yeah it means adjusting, mostly just keeping a check on it more closely, a lot of it is common sense, things that really i should no better..

before play check blood, check it during play (oh yay spontaneity out the fucking window), lots of water on hand, stop play if i get pins and needles, numbness anywhere, dizziness, shaking..the shaking is a problem..because i tend to shake anyway even long before i had the diabetes..from fear, not sure how to work around that.

I do feel a lot better that my doctors know, i think its for the best, so worst case scenario and i have to see them for concerns related to s/m..excessive bruising etc they are aware...and if ever i need to be hospitalised.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

You can lead the horse to water, but you cant make it drink

Confronting refusal/reluctance, brought about by a discussion via email.

There has only ever been one situation that i can recall where i have refused to follow his instructions in the moment, as in during 'play', for sure there have been times when i have and still do say "i dont want to" etc and protest but its still happened, but outright refusal and it hasnt happened..just the once.

There has been times, and im sure there will be more in the future, where we might be discussing a potential scenario etc and i voice that its not something i feel i can do, for xyz reasons. a slave, i should just obey regardless, because thats what slaves do....ugh, not even going there!

I think there are 3 options the dominant can take in these situations

1)  To use force, by any means necessary to ensure compliance.

2)  To use positive encouragement, to talk the submissive around, dependent on the situation, to go into what the problem is, to see if it can be resolved there and then.

3)  To stop, discuss it, and perhaps re-visit the situation at a later date.

Option one, force, when im reluctant to do something, being confronted with having no choice in the matter, knowing that it will happen whether i like it or not is a huge turn on, but there is a difference between outright refusal and reluctance...its somewhat of a balancing act using force, but mostly the dominant knowing and understanding his sub well.

So for me, i dont enjoy being with a woman sexually, i could quite happily not have to do it at all, but on these times, i am forced/made to do it,  the force is not physical (well apart from the time he has shoved my head and held it there between a womans legs) but its more of a "you have no choice"..he knows that i get off on that, still dont enjoy the actual act...but having to do it...fuck yes!

Hypothetical situation.

He ties me up, and tells me he is bringing in another man to fuck me, i wouldnt be reluctant, i would outright refuse, but he forces me too anyway by keeping me tied up and leaving me with no option, or perhaps beat me until i verbally comply, and im fucked by this other man.

Being forced in this situation would have a really negative impact, it would shatter my trust in him, and our relationship as a result would more than likely deteriorate, i wouldnt be able to move past it, it would be well beyond the 'just deal with it and get over it' attitude, my instinct as i even write this, has me saying i would withdraw consent until or if it could even be resolved.

How does he know when its ok to use force and when its not? because he knows me (better than i know myself in many ways), talking a lot, lots and lots, and through the experiences we have with each other.

Whatever option the dominant chooses to take, especially in regards to force, he has to consider the said consequences of that choice, even taking the 3rd option and stopping does not mean he has given in to the submissive, because i think most subs, or rather speaking for myself, i want to obey him, i want to please him, so for me to outright refuse he should know its clearly something i have big concerns with, even reluctance to a certain extent demonstrates im having difficulties that need addressing.

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Hoods 'r' us

Spent last night looking for new hoods and browsing Fetlife.

I love being hooded, Master doesnt mind them, he often indulges me by letting me wear one at times, but they are definitely something i love more than he does....he likes having access to my mouth, and to see my eyes...but there is compromise, some hoods dont cover the mouth and eyes, or have detachable parts....personally i prefer full coverage.

Narrowed my selection down to these 2..

I love this watersports one, 2 of my favourite things combined, and it has open mouth and eyes so win-win for both of us.

This one appealed, if only because the advertising tag made me laugh "This piece keeps the mouth firmly closed and stop's your submissive's incessant complaining" i complain! :) or another way of looking at would stop me from saying exactly what im thinking at times!

I like the head harness part, we have a head harness with nose hooks, but im liking the mouth cover on this, and i like having the ring on top, allows for more opportunities.

I love being hooded for various reasons, they objectify me, as soon as one is on i get into the headspace of just 'being' very quickly, they are calming, although i have had moments of panic, so if one hasnt worn them before i would recommend one that can be removed very quickly to start with.

They highlight the other senses, touch most especially, it just intensifies everything else, especially with a full hood, when one's sight, hearing, and voice is removed, i either go 2 it induces fear or i go into subspace...either way i love.

Monday, 8 June 2015

Oh. Im motivated now.

Im a terrible procrastinator, not in everything, but sometimes i need motivation.

When i signed up to Fetlife, the reason was at the time there was the scare with blogger and images, so with many possibly going elsewhere to blog, i felt Fetlife would be good for staying in contact with those bloggers that moved on.

I wrote a tiny piece on the profile page, with the comment that i would add more later, and i was going to, i was, but when blogger did a u-turn it wasnt a priority anymore.

When i asked for permission to join, Master was happy for me to do so, i said i would contribute to Fetlife, be active, and well i havent im motivated because pics have been put up.....same ones that has been posted on here, i think.....oh joyful!  oh and gee thanks ancilla for encouraging him lol

When i think about using Fetlife, what i want is to keep it associated with blogger, in the respect that my friends list is fellow bloggers, what i dont want is past and potential play partners having access to my Fetlife profile, not that i have anything to hide, but rather quite simply i dont want it used for seeking out others.

Because lets face it if one does play with others, one of the first things that is generally asked is "are you on Fetlife" and thats understandable, i have checked out play partners profiles on Fet, get more information about them, opinions etc.

With blogger the information i put out here is contained, with Fetlife it isnt so much, and thats what concerns me.  I dont want my Fetlife profile as a means of seeking others, and he is ok with that, the solution is to have a separate (unlinked) profile for that purpose....and he can write, post photos of what he likes.

But anyway, now i have been 'motivated' im going to make Monday and Thursday Fetlife days, where i commit to contributing in some form, today i think i shall work on my profile...although have no idea what to put, and yeah lets see how it goes.

Friday, 5 June 2015


Tonight was meant to be a night out.

Change of plans, looking after friends 2 month old baby girl as older child needs taking to casualty..

I had forgotten how much baby sick smells, 3 change of tops later.....has brought back that memory.

It may well turn into an over-nighter from the latest update......i have forgotten what its like to get up for a night feed...i guess im going to have that memory brought back as well.

*edited this morning*

Well, i have to say it was not as bad as i thought it was going to be, she slept through from 12.30 ish to nearly 6 am...her dad picked her up half an hour ago, her brother is set to come home today, and now coffee..lots of it.

Facts about him

Because im pretty sure you know more about me than you want to know!

Fiona allocated me 14, so im going to do them about Master


1)  When he is away on business related trips, one of his first priorities is finding the nearest Indian restaurant, on the times i go with him i used to try and sway him to other restaurants..i have given up!

2)  Contrary to how he might come across on here, as i portray him, he is actually very laid back, and easy going, out of the two of us im the one that has a fiery temperament...i know your finding that hard to believe about me :)

3)  He doesnt smoke cigarettes, never has, dislikes it, but yet he does enjoy dope/weed for recreational/relaxing purposes, he can be quite pliable when he is on a 'high' not that i would dream of taking advantage of that....ok maybe a little lol

4)  His hobbies are varied, birdwatching, caving (he also does cave rescue), ham radio, motorbiking (the closest to wearing leather he gets), deep sea diving oh and drinking beer...not that he has much time for hobbies these days

5)  He is a workaholic, i dont think he will ever retire, not full time anyway, its very important to him, i respect that but its difficult at times

6)  He has travelled a lot over the world with business, worked in Africa for a few years, the US, Europe and now hates travelling in respect of holidaying.

7)  He has a wicked sense of humour although it can be quite dry and your sat there wondering "is he being serious?"


1)  His first bdsm experience was aged 17 whilst at university with an older woman in which he was the bottom, he said he liked the power play, it but he liked it even more when they switched..and then there was no going back.

2)  I would say imo his favourite type of kink is humiliation, physical and mental, he can make me feel so worthless, that im nothing to him, i can take it because i know above it all how important i am to him

3)  One of the few things he has no interest in is extreme water torture, which just happens to be something i would love to experience.

4)  He has in his past topped men, and i would love to watch him doing just that...a big fantasy/on wish list of mine

5)  He doesnt believe or rather hold to the idea of having limits....his thinking is more..placing limits on oneself is just limiting your imagination and limiting your experiences...over the years i have slowly come around to that way of simply comes down to knowing one another and communication.

6)  He is consistent with me, he doesnt make idle threats or promises, if he says he will do something he will, whether it be something nice or not, i need this, i dont like uncertainty, he doesnt change his mind or expectations of me on a whim.

7)  His favourite implement is the single tail whip, with the cane coming in a close second, im the other way around.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Got to the bottom of it

Well.  I know what caused the doormat issue, i did get an email back (they were concerned i might 'out' them.  I assured them i would not, and actually although i didnt like what they said, i respect that they named themselves (the blog) generally when people want to be judgemental etc they hide behind being anonymous.

First of all any emails i receive i would not disclose the name/blog title here, here being my blog, the only exceptions would be if it was a topic of conversation that i wouldnt mind blogging about, subject wise, but first i would ask the emailer if they minded.

So what caused the issue?

Basically the concept of having no choices, which was from a post i made myself.

No choices...right,ok.

Actually i have lots of choices, i chose to make a cup of coffee before i started this post....and i did it without asking permission!  im choosing to drink it now without asking permission, i may well choose to have another one in 20 minutes and not ask permission, i have chose to write this post without asking such a rebel!

But we are not talking about making/drinking coffee are we?

Im going to try to keep it as simple as i can....which may not be actually that simple..this is me we are talking about after all.

I chose to be in this relationship, now its not like we are in the dom/sub frenzy period, we have been together many years, so i think its safe to say we know each other very well.

When i say no choices, i mean it in respect of having a very clear understanding of what that means to both us, which is bottom line he is in control of us, me, primarily i have 2 choices, to obey or not.

I try to always choose the obey option, and hmm 95% of the time i make that choice.  Does this mean i have no say, input or my feelings/thoughts are not considered? of course not, although it is situation dependent.

A while ago whilst having anal sex, he stopped, said "somethings wrong?" i nodded and he withdrew, yes something was wrong, i was in pain, not a good kind of pain at all, and if he hadnt brought it up i was going to, now he could have continued, its his right, my body is his to use as he wishes and i would have no choice in the matter.

Or perhaps I'm having a diabetic hypo, but he wants to give me a beating, he can regardless because hey I'm a slave I have no choice


In those situations i have choice, the right to say "no" i have the right to be kept safe, i expect him to keep me safe, to not cause me damage, as it turned out after a visit to the doctor i had an infection from a cut inside my ass. The examination was enough to put me off medical play for life.

Its a dominants responsibility to look after his sub, to keep her safe, its the subs responsibility to let the dominant know when something is not right, so he is fully aware of the situation, and he needs to trust that his sub will tell him, and the sub needs to trust he will do the right thing.

The saying...'just because you can, does not mean you should' comes to mind!

Saying i have no choice is about obedience, about being pleasing, it does not apply to situations that are effecting my welfare, its a matter of context, and he wouldnt have it any other way....he wants me happy and healthy.

Now im going to make my other cup of coffee, i may even choose to have a biscuit with it.

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

The great bake off

Today was the baking day.

It went ok, so im not quite up to Masterchef standards, and never likely to be, but me and daughter did well, it looked alright and didnt taste too bad either.....icing was a bit runny!

But goodness me, a couple mothers there, you would think one was competing in Masterchef!  one even brought her own mixer (which she made of point of letting everyone know how expensive it is), chopping board and utensils with her, and took it very, very seriously, my comment of "you might as well have brought your oven" didnt go down well...the look..well the look she gave me was one that showed no amusement, obviously my sense of humour isnt for everyone!

I did commit a grave sin, i licked the wooden spoon!  i thought posh mum might have a fit there and then.