Confronting refusal/reluctance, brought about by a discussion via email.
There has only ever been one situation that i can recall where i have refused to follow his instructions in the moment, as in during 'play', for sure there have been times when i have and still do say "i dont want to" etc and protest but its still happened, but outright refusal and it hasnt happened..just the once.
There has been times, and im sure there will be more in the future, where we might be discussing a potential scenario etc and i voice that its not something i feel i can do, for xyz reasons.
But...im a slave, i should just obey regardless, because thats what slaves do....ugh, not even going there!
I think there are 3 options the dominant can take in these situations
1) To use force, by any means necessary to ensure compliance.
2) To use positive encouragement, to talk the submissive around, dependent on the situation, to go into what the problem is, to see if it can be resolved there and then.
3) To stop, discuss it, and perhaps re-visit the situation at a later date.
Option one, force, when im reluctant to do something, being confronted with having no choice in the matter, knowing that it will happen whether i like it or not is a huge turn on, but there is a difference between outright refusal and reluctance...its somewhat of a balancing act using force, but mostly the dominant knowing and understanding his sub well.
So for me, i dont enjoy being with a woman sexually, i could quite happily not have to do it at all, but on these times, i am forced/made to do it, the force is not physical (well apart from the time he has shoved my head and held it there between a womans legs) but its more of a "you have no choice"..he knows that i get off on that, still dont enjoy the actual act...but having to do it...fuck yes!
Hypothetical situation.
He ties me up, and tells me he is bringing in another man to fuck me, i wouldnt be reluctant, i would outright refuse, but he forces me too anyway by keeping me tied up and leaving me with no option, or perhaps beat me until i verbally comply, and im fucked by this other man.
Being forced in this situation would have a really negative impact, it would shatter my trust in him, and our relationship as a result would more than likely deteriorate, i wouldnt be able to move past it, it would be well beyond the 'just deal with it and get over it' attitude, my instinct as i even write this, has me saying i would withdraw consent until or if it could even be resolved.
How does he know when its ok to use force and when its not? because he knows me (better than i know myself in many ways), talking a lot, lots and lots, and through the experiences we have with each other.
Whatever option the dominant chooses to take, especially in regards to force, he has to consider the said consequences of that choice, even taking the 3rd option and stopping does not mean he has given in to the submissive, because i think most subs, or rather speaking for myself, i want to obey him, i want to please him, so for me to outright refuse he should know its clearly something i have big concerns with, even reluctance to a certain extent demonstrates im having difficulties that need addressing.
I am with you on this (as in so many things), somehow they find a way not to make us do things, but to eventually do them anyway. Master and I were discussing my hair earlier. Gradually, I have done just what he wanted, not because he made me, or even insisted, but eventually over a period of time I have got to the place which is within inches (or less) of exactly what he wanted. Definitely going to blog about something like this myself.xx
ReplyDeleteYeah there have been many times i have been so sure (especially in the beginning) that i would not do something, but slowly but surely he has got me where he wanted.
Deletex
This was a really great post, tori.
ReplyDeleteI do think case #3 would build a whole lot of trust, especially with those that are new. However, it's also comforting to know he won't stop just because of me...no matter if he choose 1 or 2.
You know, I'm so glad I'm not a Dom. Lol.
Thank you Misty
Deleteomg i would make a terrible dominant..too much responsibility lol
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Well said Tori. I especially like your last paragraph and agree, it's about the truly knowing each other.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
thanks Roz
Deleteyeah it really does come down to trust and knowing one another well.
x
Yes! And sometimes - it has to do with my emotional well-being. It just isn't the right thing for him to proceed. I feel sorry, and guilty, and all that - but he protects me.Has taken me a long while to come to terms with that. Really good post - thank you.
ReplyDeleteThanks gg
DeleteEmotional well being is a big thing for us as well, its being sensible, to know when to not proceed, i get the feeling guilty but yet i also respect that he is keeping me safe, and us safe from potential problems.
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I liked how you talked about this and the example you used. I wrote a post (not posted yet- as I wasn't sure I wanted to) about cheating. I feel similar to your example of the choice in the Dom using force at the expense of the trust and possible relationship with the sub because they arrogantly think they have the Dom right to just do it without any regard for the emotional/physical well-being of their sub.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Misty in that those new to all this have to tread very lightly as they navigate limits and trust. I too am glad I'm not a Dom =)
XOXO Pearl
"the Dom using force at the expense of the trust and possible relationship with the sub because they arrogantly think they have the Dom right to just do it without any regard for the emotional/physical well-being of their sub."
Deletethat is spot on, just because one is the Master, Owner etc, does not mean just because they can they should...thank you
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^ My Master has that as a philosophy. Or as he puts it, just because you can be an asshole doesn't mean you have to'. His goal here is not to make me miserable, not even close, so he considers how the things he does will affect me. Now, since I have this fetish, or desire, to be forced into things, that adds a different element to our relationship. When He says "You will do this because I want it, regardless of your feeling" that is totally hot for me, so even if I didn't like the idea originally, the thought of force behind it makes me excited. If he was overly nice about it, my feeling would be more "meh".
ReplyDeleteyour Master sounds as blunt as mine is lol
DeleteI like the point you make about it not being a goal to make you miserable, i think most dominants want their sub to be happy over-all, it would be of no benefit for either if it was all doom and gloom.
How i am with other woman definitely comes under the "you will do this because i want it...." and i get off on having/being made to do it...and he knows i do.
So yeah its a balancing act, but mostly i think the Master knowing his sub's triggers.
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