Tuesday, 15 July 2008

spoons, canes and plugs!!

I will never underestimate the use of kitchen tools again, in fact its becoming clear to me there is no need to spend a fortune in a bdsm shop when the kitchen provides a lot cheaper array of torturous implements. There was a fairly largish wooden spoon which He decided to use and my god that bastard thing was agony that i was squirming desperatley to get away in minutes and i mean 1 or 2 minutes literally. It was made worse by the fact that i absolutley detest being laid over His knee and i even said i would rather be bent over the chair which just landed me harder smacks, well thats if they could have possibly got any harder. The thing is i know there is no way i would have stayed in postion if i was made to bend over a chair because He had to hold me down as it was and i have never struggled as much as i did then, one thing i am sure of is i think its highly unlikely i would like paddles if the wooden spoon is anything to go by. Also usually He uses His hand first and when He does move onto using an implement its usually pretty moderate to start this time the bastard just when straight in with the goddam spoon and the difference is very telling...no warm up and it bloody hurts a lot more.

Now the cane is different altogether, i think it will always be my favourite when im relaxed and the strokes are moderately spaced i can "float" and the pain no longer registers and i love it, although it doesnt take much to bring me out of that state of bliss if the strokes suddenly become more forceful or the pace they are applied changes then it throws me and the pain starts kicking in immediatley. I would like to try having more regular canings over a course of a weekend because sometimes after a caning even when He ends them with harder strokes if given a rest of 15/20 mins i want it again. Because i do tend to enjoy the cane and i want to be able to take harder canings i would rather it was not used as punishment because i dont want to taint my enjoyment of it because im realistic enough to realise that should He want to really cause me a great deal of pain with it He could and would.

Then we move onto something horrible again...the inflatable butt plug which is just well horrible, not in a painful way but rather really uncomfortable to the point it makes me feel sick which is not a pleasant feeling at all. To make it worse He made me spread my own ass so He could insert it which was humiliating in a way i didnt like, i did deflate and remove it without His permission hoping for some insane brief moment He wouldnt put it back in but He did of course, and He pulled it out when it was pumped up which did hurt but at that point i couldnt care less i just wanted the damn thing out.

Monday, 14 July 2008


I got needles put in my nipples, didnt think i would like it now i know i dont like it, it fucking hurts in a sharp way and it lingers longer than when needles are just inserted into my tits, i wasnt restrained which made it worse in my mind as i prefer to be in a position that i have to accept what He does rather than attempt to resist. I did put up a minor struggle at first, i think what surprises me looking back on it is that i didnt throw a verbal tantrum but i never do when im actually face to face with Him im too scared, but it has highlighted to me that i still struggle with obeying immediatly in some circumstances and this is something im not sure how to overcome, although it does tend to be when its something new.

I didnt like Him very much when He did it and especially when He asked me if i wanted the needle in the other nipple as it was a pointless question, as much as i wanted to say no i knew He would be disappointed and contrary to what He may think i do try hard to please Him so i had to say yes. I was infuriated because He felt between my legs and i knew He was doing it to make a point that if i was wet then i must have enjoyed it and with stimulation i did orgasm but im not even going there. Im struggling to exactly put into words what i feel about it, because im not sure if im just having a minor sulk that He did it. It hurt taking them out as well, i was standing in the bath slowly pulling them out when it would have probably been better just to pull them out fast but i tend to not go about things the easiest way. What i am sure about is i dont like it, would be happy not to have it done again but thats very unlikely.


Well another weekend over with Him and as usual it was very good, albeit i didnt think so at some moments, not going to write in any particular order just what comes to mind as i go, which has to be needles really and my punishment because those are what i was dreading the most.

I wasnt really well behaved when it came to my punishment, from the moment He told me what it was going to be (20 lashes of whip on back and 10 needles in my ass) i was trying my upmost to get out of it, which i promised myself and Him i wouldnt do but nevertheless i attempted to sway Him but He wasnt budging. However (i cant believe im going to write this, but the point of this blog is to be truthful..so here it goes) the whipping wasnt that bad, certainly didnt hurt as much as when He previously used it on my back and not even as much as a wooden spoon He used when we arrived (but i will get to that in a bit). I wouldnt go as far as saying i enjoyed it because i didnt..it did hurt but nowhere near as much as i was expecting it to considering it was a punishment. I didnt get the needles either which at the time i was happy about but i think in hindsight He should have used them because by not doing do so it has only reinforced my belief that my pleading paid off. He chose not to use them because i had behaved well during the whipping which i did with some amazement but really in my mind i should anyway so in effect i was rewarded for taking a punishment well but yet thats no more than what should be expected of me.

Also though i think because i had convinced myself it was going to be really, really horrible and He would be really cruel and i was getting myself worked up over it, when He did whip me (oh i am so fucked when He reads this) it was bearable, i needed to be punished severely and i wasnt well not as much as i deserved to be considering the "list" of my wrongdoings especially the persistant masturbating and touching myself without permission. For my own peace of mind i needed to be repentent and more importantly to have it be enough of a deterrent to not want to have to endure the same punishment or worse again but im not sure it was enough. I dont mean that in the respect that im going to blatantly repeat my unwanted behaviour because i want to be a good slave and i want to improve so its not a case of me thinking im off the hook to do it again but when i do disobey or disappoint Him i need to know that i will not like the consequences one little bit.

A lot to write so will be more posts.

Tuesday, 1 July 2008


Needed a topic to write about as sometimes i need inspiration and other times i just have things on my mind that i can write about, He suggested i write about being marked.

I like being marked, the cane is my first choice as the marks are so distinctive and because its still my favourite implement, they also can last a while so thats a bonus. I would be dissapointed if i came away from the weekend without being marked although this has never happened yet and i cant forsee it occurring either. To me its a visual representation of being His slave as well as a reminder of our time together when we are apart so i miss them when they have gone, and sometimes they last longer than at other times. Also i have the opinion that if im going to be in pain especially if its a pain i dont particularly like then i want something to show for it, plus because i do like having marks that He has given me on my body i see them as being a sign of endurance ie. as much as i may not have enjoyed it at the time i do get the buzz of having marks to look at for a period of time afterwards.

The whip leaves nice marks as well and they are almost as distinctive as cane marks, i just dont like having to be whipped (especially on the back..really ouchie) to get them. Blood is something else i like and is probably the only good thing that comes from using needles, i love the blood but only my own, watching someone else bleed whether it be a cut on the finger or watching a bdsm video with bleeding makes me queasy, but blood running over my tits is a huge turn on for me.