Wired up not quite right but not wrong either

I used to think i wasnt wired up right especially in the sense of sex, when i was a teenager and my friends started exploring boys and consequently sex i simply had no interest, in boys or sex, i didnt masturbate and well it just didnt interest me at all on any level.

My first boyfriend wasnt until i was 17 and i was 18 when i lost my virginity to him, he was much older than me and we were together for a couple of years, the sex was ok but then i had nothing to measure it by.  I wasnt confident enough to discuss these desires i had in my head, so they lay dormant, he would get frustrated with me because i wasnt sexually adventurous.

When it ended i got married, very quickly afterwards, looking back now yes probably on the rebound.  That marriage is not something i dwell on, i dont talk about it. The sex was a huge issue as in i had no sex drive, it was a chore, but i have 2 beautiful children, and thats that.  Closed subject.

First dom, hmm i think i have mentioned him before well sex was a large part of it and for me it was more about exploring myself and my desires, we was not compatible on many levels and it ended, not long after starting, but i had explored enough to know i wanted more and a little more knowledge of what 'more' i wanted.

The bossman, well he can be arrogant at times, but credit where its due he reads people very well and as a dominant he is damn good (yes of course im biased), sex was not a subject we discussed much in the beginning (online chats and phone) which i found bewildering, the conversations were part vanilla and part about him asking me what i wanted, what i felt about things from putting the world to rights to kink related subjects.

Im not confident when it comes to sex, that became apparent early on when we physically started getting together, if i had my way it would be lights off, under the covers, however i wasnt going to have it my way, and the first time he asked me to strip off in front of him it was horrid, i felt humiliated and in a way i dont enjoy....change of plan in order.

He blindfolded me, tied me to the bed posts (4 poster bed at the time) and that made a huge difference to how i felt, i was more exposed but yet i felt it less, i was concious that i was naked and he was fully dressed but because i couldnt see and i couldnt move it made it easier to bear.

Now im better but i still wouldnt say sex is something im really confident about, apart from when it involves humiliation, if he degrades me and does 'nasty and dirty' things to me i come alive, i become the whore, the wanton slut, i need to be debased to be liberated sexually.

On the times its 'normal' sex without the frills im more reserved, i find it difficult to completly let go, which is why i have pondered that im not wired up right, i enjoy it yes, but often at these times i will ask him to please hurt me, to humiliate me and he obliges mostly not always, sometimes he is taking me simply for his own pleasure...and that in itself makes me feel debased, that i am being 'used' and thats what i enjoy, thats our making love.