Well it is said its a womans prerogative to change her mind is it not?, ok so the bossman may well disagree with that, but lets not concern oneself with what he might think for the time being.
So in my last post i was feeling positive, and i still am in respect of how i feel about my submission, i guess sometimes i feel better about it overall than i do at other times, i think when one does have struggles with submission etc, i wander if its a case of setting ones goals too high, or trying for the elusive perfection.
But i have been dwelling on some of the things that are lacking in my submission, so this is where its a womans prerogative to change her mind comes in! i cant help but over think things, or maybe its that somethings warrant spending time thinking about, but the point is one thing i am terrible at is procrastinating and trying to find loopholes...ok thats 2 things, there are more but lets stop there! and these things are not making me a good submissive.
He decided some time back that, perhaps a couple of months ago, cant remember exactly, that he would like to know what i think about when i have the plug in, it was agreed that i would send him an email once a week, with said information, how or what he chooses to do with that information is another matter.
Now, there isnt much, well anything really fantasy wise that he doesnt know about, things i desire, turn me on etc, and for the most part im comfortable in telling him verbally, face to face all these things, but for some odd reason, i dont like to put it in writing, its almost like having it written down in black and white makes it hmm more real?
So, back to the point in question.
I have been very lapse in writing those emails, and i have said as such to him and he has not mentioned it, so this is where my procrastination and the looking for loopholes comes in.
I havent been writing them because i dont like it, i dont like that having it in writing perhaps might give him ideas, ideas that i may well not be too fond of! and because he hasnt mentioned it i figured that its not a big deal, if he isnt picking up on it, that im not doing it why should i bother? and that is where i look for a loophole, my argument with myself is well he cant punish me for not doing it because he has not said anything because i havent done it.
and this is where i realise im not doing very well, in the respect of my submission......i should do it because he has instructed me to...that is reason enough, the fact that he has not mentioned it is irrelevant, i know i should be doing it.
so here is where my logic goes a bit awry
im going to do it now, so i figure i shouldnt be punished because i have had a lightbulb moment and am now aware that its been wrong, perhaps selfish of me to expect him to keep on top of what i know i should be doing and how i behave, but still, im going to be good now and thats what he should focus on...not that i havent been obedient.
Yeah another grey area of mine is trying to get out of punishments in any way possible....so conclusion
my submission is flowing freely, but in the direction i want it to go...which hmm yes isnt very submissive is it!