Monday 13 October 2014

On second thoughts

Well it is said its a womans prerogative to change her mind is it not?, ok so the bossman may well disagree with that, but lets not concern oneself with what he might think for the time being.

So in my last post i was feeling positive, and i still am in respect of how i feel about my submission, i guess sometimes i feel better about it overall than i do at other times,  i think when one does have struggles with submission etc, i wander if its a case of setting ones goals too high, or trying for the elusive perfection.

But i have been dwelling on some of the things that are lacking in my submission, so this is where its a womans prerogative to change her mind comes in!  i cant help but over think things, or maybe its that somethings warrant spending time thinking about, but the point is one thing i am terrible at is procrastinating and trying to find loopholes...ok thats 2 things, there are more but lets stop there!  and these things are not making me a good submissive.

He decided some time back that, perhaps a couple of months ago, cant remember exactly, that he would like to know what i think about when i have the plug in, it was agreed that i would send him an email once a week, with said information, how or what he chooses to do with that information is another matter.

Now, there isnt much, well anything really fantasy wise that he doesnt know about, things i desire, turn me on etc, and for the most part im comfortable in telling him verbally, face to face all these things, but for some odd reason, i dont like to put it in writing, its almost like having it written down in black and white makes it hmm more real?

So, back to the point in question.  

I have been very lapse in writing those emails, and i have said as such to him and he has not mentioned it, so this is where my procrastination and the looking for loopholes comes in.

I havent been writing them because i dont like it, i dont like that having it in writing perhaps might give him ideas, ideas that i may well not be too fond of! and because he hasnt mentioned it i figured that its not a big deal, if he isnt picking up on it, that im not doing it why should i bother? and that is where i look for a loophole, my argument with myself is well he cant punish me for not doing it because he has not said anything because i havent done it.

and this is where i realise im not doing very well, in the respect of my submission......i should do it because he has instructed me to...that is reason enough, the fact that he has not mentioned it is irrelevant, i know i should be doing it.

so here is where my logic goes a bit awry

im going to do it now, so i figure i shouldnt be punished because i have had a lightbulb moment and am now aware that its been wrong, perhaps selfish of me to expect him to keep on top of what i know i should be doing and how i behave, but still, im going to be good now and thats what he should focus on...not that i havent been obedient.

Yeah another grey area of mine is trying to get out of punishments in any way possible....so conclusion

my submission is flowing freely, but in the direction i want it to go...which hmm yes isnt very submissive is it!

14 comments:

  1. I can so relate to this in all accounts! I love loopholes:)

    In my case, I would probably still be punished but less so for owning it and correcting myself before he needed to. Doesn't make it any easier though, does it?

    xx

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    1. loopholes are great....well they would be if they worked lol

      Oh i know i will be punished, alas that is inevitable.

      x

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  2. I have gotten so upset about things he has asked me to do, but won't enforce them, or even mention them. I thought I was mad at him (cause that's not how it's supposed to work!), but really I was just upset with myself for not doing it...

    The important thing is seeing the mistake and changing. :)

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    1. yes! thats it exactly, i shouldnt expect him to keep on top of it, or me rather, i was told to do it and should have.

      Yep im working on changing....its a work in progress lol

      x

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  3. Relate, very much. It's hard for me to accept I need to serve completely His way .

    ReplyDelete
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    1. it is hard at times, and sometimes it takes me a while to realise what im doing or not doing as the case might be!

      x

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  4. Hi Tori, I think most of us can relate. We know we 'should', because it's what he wants, but it csn be so hard, especially if he doesn't mention it or enforce it and especially if it's something we don't really want to do. Well, if he hasn't said anything ...

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. See, you get me lol....if he hasnt said anything...thats it

      unfortunately thats not how he sees it!

      x

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  5. "he cant punish me for not doing it"

    It's not a very GOOD loophole....

    :) :)

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    1. lmao...its not is it....but anything is worth a try lol

      x

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  6. It is at this point in my thinking, that I realize I am more invested in this than he is. I usually also realize that I am not very submissive. I am more of one who wants attention for doing well at something. Something like submission.

    Sounds like you need some attention from the guy - tell him! Seriously. Hugs.

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    1. I have to say that i dont ever feel that im more invested in this than he is, perhaps if im honest im more inclined to think its me that lets us down, because i know better than being like this.

      I think you may have hit the nail on the head ref. needing some attention, the problem is it wont be good attention, which i only have myself to blame for.

      x

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  7. I am also always ready to find a loophole or a way to distract him from giving a punishment... I don't like getting in trouble, but I wish I would just listen in the first place, lol

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    1. yea thats the thing isnt it....listening in the first place, i think i do but then sometimes i realise im not really listening, or rather only on the bits that im ok with!

      x

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