with this, because its something i thought was long past and im struggling with how to deal with it,
Warning....very long post, if your going to attempt to get through it, i suggest a fresh cup of coffee will be needed, well this sort of post is for me to try sort through all these thought in my head.
We havent played with others in a very long time, as in years i didnt think it would be something we would go back to, i have within this blog documented some of those times, and the struggles i had with some of them, it definitely falls under the category of....i do it to please him aka i dont have a flipping choice, and i wouldnt choose to do it...
One couple we met and have played with before, whom i liked and enjoyed the time with them, so thats one good thing, well the man in the couple was a switch, he has been in contact recently asking if we could all meet up again, along with another couple, he has asked Master if he would be willing to teach him and this other dom some skills, mostly related to s/m....whipping, caning etc, but also other things, things that dont appeal to me on any level, things i have not done and have no desire to do.
I thought Master was past this, it belongs in his past, (before i knew him) in my mind, i thought it was a road he had no interest in going back down, having done a lot of this sort of thing.
But it has perked his interest this time, a lot, enough that he is looking at possible dates, months away, as in early next year, for once im not complaining about him being busy!...will give me time to get adjusted and more receptive to the whole idea....i hope.
I get that we all have to start somewhere, to learn techniques, master implements etc and so of course did Master learn at some point, back in the days where none of this was trendy (his words, not mine) and if im going to be honest with myself i admit that a part of me finds it appealing to see his teaching skills in action, but i would prefer to just be a watcher!
Im getting myself worked up about it already and there is no definite date yet, even though when some of the times were good times it always caused this resentment on my part, at him, even though i know he would not put me intentionally in a situation that i couldnt handle....it all comes around to the fact that until one is in that moment, and its happening, how can he or i tell how im going to handle it?
And then this is when it causes a lot of resentment, i get frustrated with him because i cant get him to understand how i feel about it, im scared that i will hate it and i will blame him for putting me through it when i had told him i couldnt handle it.
What is 'it', blimey you know, to some its going to be no big deal, but then like everything, one persons fun is anothers nightmare...
certain scenarios have been mentioned, ones that fill me with dread, that will push me way out of my comfort zone, now i like getting pushed, i do, but with him alone, with others, even though i know it will all be under his direction, im not so keen on.....it comes back around to that fear of the unknown....will i be able to handle it.
He will say "I wouldnt push you unless I was very sure you can handle it"....but being sure is no certainty!
and i can anticipate his response to that "dont you trust me"
grrr...this is where i get frustrated with him, of course i bloody trust him, its not about trust, its simply about that its not something i want, and yeah i get its not always about what i want, dont need a lecture on that from him, but im sure one will be forthcoming closer to the time.
Now we will talk about it, he wont with me at the moment because its in such early stages, but closer to the time we will go through it, i can ask questions etc and he will to the best he can put my mind at rest, it helps somewhat.
He probably will be right, i probably may not like it so much at the time, but afterwards i will be buzzing, its happened before, and i do hope that this will be the case, its just getting through it that is the hard part.
How i am now, how its making me feel, getting worked up already, even though its months and months away, is just the start, the closer it gets the worse i will be, i have to try to not dwell on it, but well i will, i just, well i wasnt expecting meet ups anymore, i thought those times were done and dusted, its not something im wanting to go back to.
and this, all of this, all what im feeling, just amplifies how alone i feel at times, in the respect of that there is nobody to talk this through with that would understand, talking to him is all well and good...but its not the same as having someone that can see from my point of view, that can relate, its yeah lonely.
and this, is when i doubt i am the slave he expects me to be.