Sunday, 21 September 2014

where to start

with this, because its something i thought was long past and im struggling with how to deal with it,

Warning....very long post, if your going to attempt to get through it, i suggest a fresh cup of coffee will be needed, well this sort of post is for me to try sort through all these thought in my head.

We havent played with others in a very long time, as in years i didnt think it would be something we would go back to, i have within this blog documented some of those times, and the struggles i had with some of them, it definitely falls under the category of....i do it to please him aka i dont have a flipping choice, and i wouldnt choose to do it...

One couple we met and have played with before, whom i liked and enjoyed the time with them, so thats one good thing, well the man in the couple was a switch, he has been in contact recently asking if we could all meet up again, along with another couple,  he has asked Master if he would be willing to teach him and this other dom some skills, mostly related to s/m....whipping, caning etc, but also other things, things that dont appeal to me on any level, things i have not done and have no desire to do.

I thought Master was past this, it belongs in his past, (before i knew him) in my mind, i thought it was a road he had no interest in going back down, having done a lot of this sort of thing.

But it has perked his interest this time, a lot, enough that he is looking at possible dates, months away, as in early next year, for once im not complaining about him being busy!...will give me time to get adjusted and more receptive to the whole idea....i hope.

I get that we all have to start somewhere, to learn techniques, master implements etc and so of course did Master learn at some point, back in the days where none of this was trendy (his words, not mine) and if im going to be honest with myself i admit that a part of me finds it appealing to see his teaching skills in action, but i would prefer to just be a watcher!

Im getting myself worked up about it already and there is no definite date yet, even though when some of the times were good times it always caused this resentment on my part, at him, even though i know he would not put me intentionally in a situation that i couldnt all comes around to the fact that until one is in that moment, and its happening, how can he or i tell how im going to handle it?

And then this is when it causes a lot of resentment, i get frustrated with him because i cant get him to understand how i feel about it, im scared that i will hate it and i will blame him for putting me through it when i had told him i couldnt handle it.

What is 'it', blimey you know, to some its going to be no big deal, but then like everything, one persons fun is anothers nightmare...

certain scenarios have been mentioned, ones that fill me with dread, that will push me way out of my comfort zone, now i like getting pushed, i do, but with him alone, with others, even though i know it will all be under his direction, im not so keen comes back around to that fear of the unknown....will i be able to handle it.

He will say "I wouldnt push you unless I was very sure you can handle it"....but being sure is no certainty!

and i can anticipate his response to that "dont you trust me"

grrr...this is where i get frustrated with him, of course i bloody trust him, its not about trust, its simply about that its not something i want, and yeah i get its not always about what i want, dont need a lecture on that from him, but im sure one will be forthcoming closer to the time.

Now we will talk about it, he wont with me at the moment because its in such early stages, but closer to the time we will go through it, i can ask questions etc and he will to the best he can put my mind at rest, it helps somewhat.

He probably will be right, i probably may not like it so much at the time, but afterwards i will be buzzing, its happened before, and i do hope that this will be the case, its just getting through it that is the hard part.

How i am now, how its making me feel, getting worked up already, even though its months and months away, is just the start, the closer it gets the worse i will be, i have to try to not dwell on it, but well i will, i just, well i wasnt expecting meet ups anymore, i thought those times were done and dusted, its not something im wanting to go back to.

and this, all of this, all what im feeling, just amplifies how alone i feel at times, in the respect of that there is nobody to talk this through with that would understand, talking to him is all well and good...but its not the same as having someone that can see from my point of view, that can relate, its yeah lonely.

and this, is when i doubt i am the slave he expects me to be.


  1. I think you have valid concerns. I also think you need to dig deeper. You do many things that you don't like but that are for Him. Why is this one causing you to step back and question if you are that slave He expects you to be.

    Maybe focus on what past couple plays created. Not resentment but a fulfillment of servitude. That this all boils down to the enjoyment of servitude. The bond that strengthened between you too.

    Starting to make yourself aware of your feelings and writing about it is a good start on getting to the true root of your hesitation.

    1. thanks HS

      its always been an issue for me, im an introvert, definitely not an exhibitionist,so i find it very difficult interacting with others especially in this sort of way.

      Writing about it has helped, get a sense of not thinking the worst.


  2. I think you should have more faith in yourself. You are 'already' the slave he expects/wants.

    Obviously I have no clue what this is like, but I don't see how you could not worry. I'm not saying that you 'should' worry, but there are just so many "what ifs"

    I think if it was me I would tell myself to focus on him and what he wants...if you have no choice, than you have no choice and you must push through. And just as there is the possibility of something going wrong, there is always that possibility of something going quite well...

    1. Misty,this helped, thank you

      I tend to focus on the worst, especially at first....because all i think about is what i dont like.

      I am trying to refocus,well i have just written a new post concentrating on the positives.

      and your could go very well


  3. Tori, I feel like I could have written this post. All the feelings you are describing, I understand and fight the same mental battles. I wish I had something valuable to say but if you figure out the secret to not worrying about it, please let me know.

    I can tell you this, worrying about having to do something that you don't want to do, doesn't make you less of a slave. It makes you human.

    1. thank you

      Im a worrier, i wish i wasnt, but i dont think you can change your basic nature.

      i know deep down im the slave he wants and vaules, i think perhaps one is inclined to at times, give ourselves a harder time than ones Dominant does!


  4. I came out of a 10 year relationship, approximately 4 years ago, where I did serve others, predominately males, rare a female , often M/M/f/f. I cannot deny at times, I hated and dreaded it, I felt over looked, particularly if the M/me combination had limits due to the Dominants skill. I started to doubt, my own safety, was my then Master vetting these people as I would have? were they SSC, RISK aware, did they really know how to cane me, look at my non verbal signs of communication, was it really BDSM M/s or the ex`s just his licence to swing, was I not good enough any more, did I not serve him properly alone? I stopped relaxing totally, I purposefully stopped myself going into subspace, as I worried constantly. Whilst the ex was with her, could he still keep his eye on the ball for me? So I became self aware/self caring. Was it because they were prettier, slimmer, better? The whole thing caved for me and I truly dreaded him saying, oh there is a couple . . I served people I had never met, or spoken too, which for me was beyond exciting, to be "given" "loaned", but it just took one or two idjects, taking their eye of the ball for that split second and for me, all the excitement went. As his slave I had little to do with the "vetting", I obeyed, to the best of my ability. In hindsight, I trusted him explicitly, he had never let me down, but I needed to be part of that vetting, I needed to ask questions from my own point of view, the chemistry, kindness (honestly some female submissives I met were SO uncaring, me me me girls). IF it works out well, it adds a most wonderful avenue to explore, it is exciting, I did get to do things my ex could not, i.e. needles. It was not the reason we split by the way. But I realise, slave or not, I need to be a part of the vetting, the decision making, for me to know I will be okay. Though the no choice excited me no end and does, its my c..t thinking there and not my mind. I suppose you could say I don`t trust anyone`s judgement on who I get loaned too, but at the end of the day, it is my arse, my skin and mind etc, I may have been his property, to care/look out for etc and he did, but as a worry wart, it fell apart, re any enjoyment (not going to get into, doing stuff for them totally etc) I walked away often in tears. Now, I find myself in a poly situation, something I never thought possible, enslaved yes, my limits are those they impose, no safe word, no choice, yet I remain a large part of the discussion/s, they listen, take my view, okay, they may say, wtf you on about girl? lol BUT together we work through it BEFORE and AFTER, I adore being loaned, with or without my Dominants, I just did not realise years ago I suppose, slave or not, I wanted to please him greatly and I TOOK the eye off the ball myself.

    1. thank you for this

      It is i think very easy for one to take the eye off the ball, especially when one has the need, desire etc to please, to give ones dominant all they desire.

      I do though trust him implicitly, we have had one bad meet, and he was brilliant in, recognising that i was struggling,stopping it and tending to me emotionally.

      But, i do struggle with it, a lot, it might be because im far from being an exhibitionist, and im also quite shy, and find it intimidating being intimate with people i dont have an emotional connection with.


  5. You are strong, you can handle it. Deep breaths, "I can do this to please him" on repeat...maybe it won't be so bad as you think, and if it is, remind yourself that you can do it to please him. Oh and (((big hugs))).

    1. thanks ancilla

      i can do it.......umm i just dont want to lol

      you know, part of me thinks im behaving like a toddler throwing a tantrum, in an attempt to throw a spanner in the works.

      I can do it, and i will do it, and he is probably right in his view that i will love it.....afterwards though is when i get the buzz....generally not during.