Im away tomorrow until Monday and will be difficult to stay in contact with Master but then weekends are usually harder, i miss Him the most when im not able to communicate when i feel i need to or want to.
This blog is now private which in a way makes it easier to talk about things which i wouldnt feel comfortable mentioning in a public domain, even if i dont know who is reading it, at least i cant offend anyone now.
After everything that has happened since the weekend so much has been centered on the negative aspects and the subsequent problems and to top it off today i upset Him that im determined to draw a line under it all, i want to focus on the positive aspects of the weekend and after this blog i have no intention of mentioning the it again its over, i wont let it consume me.
The issue of having a safeword came up between myself and Master today, i dont have one im not sure what prompted Him to bring it up i wander if it was the email that ****** sent Him. At no point do i think i have ever felt that i needed to use one (if i did have one) when on our own, im confident in His abilities, i think what disturbed me in the email was the fact that it was implied by not having one i would appear to have more control as i could choose to overact to get an activity to stop (this is the way i interpreted it).
I have thought about this quite a bit, and the conclusion i have come to is that IF i was to have a safeword reinstated i cant see any benefits in what way would it enhance our relationship as far as i can see it wouldnt. Wheras by not having one im not holding anything back from Him i dont need to worry about how far He will go because its out of my hands its His choice to determine and with that decision comes great responsibility, i dont want the responsiblity of deciding how much pain i can take i trust Him to handle it and thats what it comes down to trust.
A prime example that confirmed to me that i wouldnt want one is on the Saturday night on getting back to the hotel, He flogged me hard it hurt a lot and then used the belt and as said before i really struggle to cope with the belt and sure enough after a few strokes i was begging Him to stop and He did, yes i wanted it to stop of course i did it was bloody hurting however if He had insisted on making me take more i would and could have done so, He chose not to and that was His choice not mine and isnt that how its supposed to be?