It occurred to me today after talking with Him that i do like to try and have the last word to the point i get almost argumentative, we was talking about needles and He stated about them going in my nipples to which i protested and further so when He said about putting them in deeper next time, so it usually ends up with me getting agitated and i can tell by the tone of His voice that im going too far. Being as im quite an outspoken person i do find it a struggle at times to bite my tongue and be quiet, i can do it but on occassions my mouth gets the better of me and i have sometimes answered Him back quite sharply especially if im not overly amused at something He has said.
It does niggle me that i do this because the will is there to change the way i behave and respond, i was so determined before we met up last time that i wouldnt try to resist Him physically or verbally but i did a few times, its not easy even though i know if i do its pointless because He will do what He wants regardless and if anything i just make it worse for myself. Its like taking a beating without being restrained, being able to hold the position when sometimes all i want to do is get away but i know He will just make me get back in place. So i wandered how to go about changing the way i behave and think and its the way i think that ultimatley changes my behaviour and i was browsing the net and i found a weboard that was relevant to the dificulties i have.
Im not that interested in speech restrictions (for obvious reasons, i talk too much sometimes) or high protocol which seems most prevailant in gorean lifestyles however on reading about these in detail i can see how they can be effective when used on occassions. In regards to speech restrictions i have always found it quite amusing when reading something that is written by a sub/slave and they talk in the third person "this slave likes....." instead of "i like......" for example. i find it pointless. The slave on the web-board suggested that by removing words that refer to the ego ie. me, i, my the slave is then forced to think carefully about how she phrases and replies to her Master, and i have to be honest its not an easy feat i thought over the conversation i had with Him and blimey i can see how it dramatically would change my responses. I realised even more so that i do walk on a thin line when i talk to Him sometimes as i did yesterday i use a lot of "i dont want needles in my nipples", " i dont want the needles in deeper", "i dont like that idea", "i dont think so" and its not about what i want/like/prefer ultimatley its what He wants/likes/prefers and thats the point.
I wouldnt want this method of speech restriction enforced all the time, but as a tool to focus the mind i can see its usefulness, as it is i dont have any speech restrictions (apart from being respectful at all times, but this i would have thought was obvious) and if i did i have no doubt i would find it difficult depending on what the requirement was.
Then there's protocol, again its something that i can see the appeal of but it depends on the level it can be very restrictive, but i think the main benefit of having certain protocols enforced they form a pattern of behavior and therefore lessen the chances of unwanted and unpredictable behaviour. Where i find it appealing is it centres the mind on what i am and therefore the expectations of how i should behave, for example when we met up with Malcolm and Ali all very informal which is fine but when we went back to their home i automatically sat next to Him on the sofa, wheras if i had kneeled beside Him at His feet i would have been more grounded in my place (does that make sense?). Its a subtle way of expressing the dynamic, a reminder and the reassurance if you will of exactly who is in control, and it works when we was at ******* intially after the blindfold was removed i sat in a chair opposite the room from Him and i wasnt remotely comfortable with the situation wheras later when i went to sit next to Him on the sofa He motioned for me to kneel at His feet and i was content it instantanously focused me, and my demeanour reflected that.