Friday, 26 October 2007

umm a rant sort of

Master had me wear a butt plug to work today for being disrespectful to Him on the phone yesterday and i thought thats not too bad as the one i have is just the right size ie. small so i wasnt really that concerned about it. I put it in (plenty of lube, thats the key on ass and plug) and it was ok i wasnt even the slightest bit uncomfortable, thankfully i was outside today so no sitting down and only in for an hour and a half so it was coping fine. I will however admit that i did go to sit down and have a coffee and within minutes was getting uncomfortable so i have no doubts that i wouldnt like it if i had to sit down for a long period of time with it in. It did though start to become uncomfortable on the way home so long term i think i wouldnt like it all, and it was a relief to get home and get it out.

I was feeling quite smug (because it wasnt bothering me) when He phoned and i was on my way to work and i told Him so which in hindsight was probably not my wisest moment as now He is most likely going to get something bigger, im hoping that He wont have time before we meet up next. I was further horrified when i got home and started browsing the net to look at butt plugs because in my naivete i really couldnt/didnt want to believe that you could get really large butt plugs, it just doesnt seem right to me that something that large should go up the ass.......its just not normal, but to my horror i came accross some pretty big ones, so now my mind is in overtime thinking how on earth i can distract Him from butt plugs altogether.

Unfortunatley i obviously need to brush up on my distraction techniques as later on whilst on the phone to Him i forgot myself again and ended up with the inflatable butt plug, which in all fairness He wasnt going to make me put it in but the strangest thing is i get more upset if He doesnt punish me, this is because even though i dont want it when its done i can move on instead of dewelling on the fact that He might be still annoyed with me, it stops the guilt ( i should be a catholic). In my defence though its not easy to not get stressed when its something thats making me really nervous and im getting anxious about and in this case its the needles, specifically needles in the nipples its scaring the hell out of me so i react in a defensive way because im scared.

Sometimes not often i feel like no matter how hard i try its never enough and with the needles i really feel this way, it was a big thing for me to ask for them before and now i wish i hadnt because im dreading it and i cant go back now. Its hard not to really go off on one and im actually really impressed with myself that i havent because i feel like it, for fucks sake sometimes i wander if He will only be really happy when im a quivering nervous wreck, a pin cushion for fucks sake thats what He said well that really puts me at ease, bastard.

but yes i do love you though

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