Friday, 19 October 2007

one day i will THINK about the consequences of my actions

I like the site http://www.paingate.com/ it has lots of videos of women being whipped with a variety of different whips, im pretty sure it was one of the first sites i found a few years back and i found it appealing back then although at that time i never thought for one moment that it would be something i would actually like to endure, far too heavy. Although they still scare me i can look at them now and find myself wanting to experience it because im confident enough now to admit that i am a masochist so the pain aspect obviously appeals but i think more so because i know it would please Him a lot to be able to whip me to that extreme.



We talked about being whipped heavily yesterday and this morning and i masturbated at His instruction and the orgasm was really good (but then they all tend to be lately), after speaking with Him this morning i came home and i tend to after masturbating be on a sexual high and with the talk of whippings i went back onto the site to look again at the clips. I was wet as usual and at first i just wanted to touch myself to see how wet i was and it just felt so warm and nice i played with myself avoiding the clit, my theory was as long as i didnt actually cum i was justified in doing so although i did consider He probably wouldnt see it this way i was also pretty sure i had a good defence.



The thing is at the time i tend to rationalize what im doing and convince myself its ok, however when He phoned a little while later and the subject came up and i admitted that i had watched the clips i knew immediatley from the way He was questioning (no interrogating is more appropriate) my actions that the outcome wasnt going to bode well for me. I start off being reasonably confident that i can jutify my actions but its the damn questions He asks and i cant argue with Him for obvious reasons and more so because what He says is usually right so i couldnt disagree and well what seemed a good idea at the time and enjoyable just isnt worth it anymore.



I had a pretty good idea He would make me use the butt plug as a punishment simply because He knows i detest the damn thing, and what do i go and do open my big mouth and protest when He said 6 pumps so 6 then becomes 7 and i find it painful enough at 4. How anybody can find them enjoyable is unbelievable as far as im concerned, its a completely different pain from anything else i have tried even the whip can be enjoyable but not the butt plug there is no pleasure in the pain at all. Now where i really fucked up was is in my ability not to keep my thoughts to myself He asked me if i was wet now of course i was bloody wet im nearly always wet unless its Malcolm (bless him) and i muttered something along the lines of "what does that matter". Naturally this didnt go down well with Him so in went the bloody butt plug again at this point my ass is really throbbing from just having taken it out so it was even worse this time in fact i think if i had a safeword i would have been inclined to use it so yep it really hurt.

I was trying to listen to what He was saying but i have to be honest i wasnt really taking it all in i mean for gods sake i was in pain all i was listening for was Him to say i could take it out although i did take on board the threat He made if i touched myself without His permission again, i know that this is definitley the worst punishment and pain in general i have had so its not something i have a wish to have a repeat performance of so no i wont be touching myself again without consent.

I know i deserved it even though i may not think that at the time on reflection afterwards i can understand that it was justified and i think the difference with this punishment compared to the others i have had this one hurt the most so its therefore more effective as i really cant see myself touching myself again, whereas the other punishments i have had i could handle so as a deterrent to change my behaviour were not really effective. My ass is still throbbing and not in a nice way and its been a good few hours, although im always sorry at the time well of course i am i want the pain to stop its only afterwards that i am genuinely sorry.

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