You scare me sometimes Master. Sometimes i am fearful of you, and in little moments i really think i hate you.
Spiders scare me, im afraid of them, and i really think i hate them.
The thing is about the spiders is i live in the UK, we dont have 'dangerous' spiders here, but nevertheless for reasons which are completely irrational im fucking scared of the little 8 legged freaks, i know they cant hurt me...heck im not stupid i know that...but they provoke this major reaction out of me that is really quite pathetic.
I love roller coasters, have 'done' all the big themes parks here in this country as well as quite few over in the US, but as im lining up (usually with my children) i get a little scared, some even have frightened me but yet i stay in the line waiting, and the apprehension is building, torn between being afraid but yet strangely excited.
Finally get on and im checking the safety bar, gripping onto it convinced it might fall off! within 3 minutes its over, and its a huge adrenalin rush, a couple of roller coasters i have come off swearing im never doing that one again, i hated it, the kids laugh at me as we walk around the park and im moaning about how bad it made me feel.....
umm and after a few hours i find myself back in that queue.
These descriptions are the closest ways i can think to explain how sometimes i fear Master, or what he is doing to me, its an irrational fear, but at the time it feels so very real..because it is real..im afraid.
But the fear dissipates eventually, sometimes taking longer to go than at other times, but eventually its replaced by a sense of elation, excitement and whatever he has done to make me feel afraid, angry or distressed is replaced by an adrenalin rush and
yeah i want to get on the 'ride' again because even though at times im scared, pissed off at him and boy do i let him know how i feel...heck read some of my posts and you all get a peek of how upset i am...so why do i put myself through this again and again...
because getting through to the 'other side' of feeling elated etc is worth it, its a funny thing submission, i write about it being 'my' submission...but its not mine, its his, he owns it, he owns me, he pushes me not just physically but emotionally, kink and vanilla wise....and it can be draining, it can cause me to 'fight' him, to want to put walls up.
But through all of this, really its not about just him getting his 'kicks' its giving me what i need, because as much as it seems its all about the doms and their wants and needs.....most want a 'healthy' submissive, most want to 'know' their submissive, inside and out, to see them grow.....and its about trust, i trust him because he knows me.....and i submit to things that make me believe i hate him because actually he knows me better than i know myself.....and that can be a scary and frightening concept in itself when your essentially saying
" im yours, im putting myself in your hands, in return i trust you to keep me safe, to care for me"
Its a funny old thing when love and hate collide.