Bloody internet problems, well more specifically computer problems has kept me from blogger, and the mobile is ok for reading posts but a pain in the ass to post comments, that and well yeah im really struggling with what to write.....its just not coming together.
I got spanked. Otk. I was not happy, i dont like it at all, and i expressed my feelings about this in a completely undignified (language wise) way, quite ashamed really my behaviour was certainly not in any way what one would expect from a submissive, well most definitely not what he expects from his slave.
Have been pulled up on my behaviour quite a bit as of late, its not been really bad, but i had gotten complacent i guess, the big issues for him is me telling him "no" and not obeying his instructions without protests...and yeah i have been doing this far more than is acceptable.
The spanking for example, he instructed me to lay across his lap, and immediately i was "no way" pleading that i would bend over the bed, anywhere but just not otk, ok so one could argue its not a big deal, i know many love being spanked this way....i dont, i just find it humiliating and embarrassing, i dont like it and dont want to have to do it.
And as i typed that i realise, as i have also on reflection, that i have walked into a trap i should have moved on from a long time ago, and i understand his frustration with me.......
Its about him, his needs, wants, desires, i am putting my own dislike of something first, now dont get me wrong there is no huge underlying reason why i dont like being spanked, i simply just dont like it and that is not a reason to behave the way i did.
I got punished, not specifically for this incident but overall for the lack of respect.
I do think though, or maybe im just feeling still peeved off about the spanking (yes i hate it this much to still be dwelling on it) mostly i think he has it bloody damn good with me..not that im saying im this perfect submissive, not at all..but in the bigger picture, even when i do protest etc ultimately i do obey....
and now im thinking thats not the point though is it? i should show a willingness even when im not...oh fuck i dont know...should just stop there i think.