Bloody internet problems, well more specifically computer problems has kept me from blogger, and the mobile is ok for reading posts but a pain in the ass to post comments, that and well yeah im really struggling with what to write.....its just not coming together.
I got spanked. Otk. I was not happy, i dont like it at all, and i expressed my feelings about this in a completely undignified (language wise) way, quite ashamed really my behaviour was certainly not in any way what one would expect from a submissive, well most definitely not what he expects from his slave.
Have been pulled up on my behaviour quite a bit as of late, its not been really bad, but i had gotten complacent i guess, the big issues for him is me telling him "no" and not obeying his instructions without protests...and yeah i have been doing this far more than is acceptable.
The spanking for example, he instructed me to lay across his lap, and immediately i was "no way" pleading that i would bend over the bed, anywhere but just not otk, ok so one could argue its not a big deal, i know many love being spanked this way....i dont, i just find it humiliating and embarrassing, i dont like it and dont want to have to do it.
And as i typed that i realise, as i have also on reflection, that i have walked into a trap i should have moved on from a long time ago, and i understand his frustration with me.......
Its about him, his needs, wants, desires, i am putting my own dislike of something first, now dont get me wrong there is no huge underlying reason why i dont like being spanked, i simply just dont like it and that is not a reason to behave the way i did.
I got punished, not specifically for this incident but overall for the lack of respect.
I do think though, or maybe im just feeling still peeved off about the spanking (yes i hate it this much to still be dwelling on it) mostly i think he has it bloody damn good with me..not that im saying im this perfect submissive, not at all..but in the bigger picture, even when i do protest etc ultimately i do obey....
and now im thinking thats not the point though is it? i should show a willingness even when im not...oh fuck i dont know...should just stop there i think.
tori, i've been sitting here thinking about what you wrote. sometimes, i wonder (for myself) if looking art the bigger picture really does help define and understanding of the smaller picture. to me, if you are that against otk, is it truly effective? As you wrote this it appeared that you are still brooding over it; therefore, the infraction is still that-an infraction. So, the lesson was not learned. Or was it and again the bigger picture is needed for the smaller picture? Humbling ourselves is one the biggest challenges in ttwd. Is that what your Master was seeking, which is why He choose otk?
ReplyDeleteIn any case, i understand your post. Submission is tough, and since it's at our Dom.s hands, at times it seems our preferences/struggles are completely dismissed. Then again, it is their duty to extract our struggles from us and make us face then ask we may conquer and grow.
I'd I'm not making any sense, I am in my head. haha maybe I need coffee. ((hugs))
hi ya HS
DeleteI was rambling myself, so perhaps its me not making sense lol
The otk was not the punishment, he did it simply because he wanted to, so there was not lesson to be learned ie it was not intended as punishment/to teach me a lesson.
It is tough, and i really feel pissed at myself that i really should no better, he expects better from me.
coffee always helps lol
x
Hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteFiona
thankyou Fiona, they are very much appreciated.
Deletex
to work on behaving in a more willing manner when one isn't wanting, or even really willing? I get that.
ReplyDeleteExactly!!! thankyou lil for getting this because well i know it was kind of rambly and seemed like there was no point..but you got it..yay lol
Deletex
speaking utterly objectively and from outside the relationship, maybe you could work on being more flexible and open to things rather than writing them off as something you could never like and therefore don't want to do, and maybe there could be communication to him about your real pet hates because really, he probably rarely wants to stimulate that feeling in you... (unless it's a dynamic where you both get off on that, but I'm guessing not) x
ReplyDeletethat's the thing, sometimes it's hard to tell what the desires / intentions of the dom/sub are. we're kinda like that - if i don't get off on something, it's a deal-breaker for Roger. then the spark sorta fizzles out. but for some it ignites it...
Deletei'm in agreement with mc kitten - can't you talk this out at a neutral time? resentment isn't something you can switch on and off. Feelings happen.
hi mc kitten
DeleteOur relationship pretty much works on the vein that i dont get a 'get-out' so its established that he can make me do things i dont want to do, although he would rather i submitted without the protests....and thats what i struggle with.
Mostly actually, we both do get off on me submitting to things i dont like, but spanking just simply does nothing for me, i dont like it...and that in itself is not a good enough reason for my protests.
Basically im shamed to say it but i will..this post was a verbal tantrum lol
x
damn that's a confusing post. I'm trying to follow it, really i am, but i suspect a lot of it has to do with not having a proper internet connection. that REALLY pisses me off. and i hate commenting on the teeny fone too
ReplyDeleteas for the other thing? well, i can't say much except if it gets too hard, i safeword. or as history has shown, i bawl and go hysterical. otherwise, we do what we do and then later on i explain what i felt or express my like/dislike for whatever it was, and why.
sometimes it uncovers a deeper insecurity/issue/problem.
and it's never really quite as simple as we think. ... go on, dig. why is OTK so humiliating for you then?
(this is like me saying i can't be naked standing in front of BIKSS if all he's doing is looking at me.)
lol fondles, i understand how it may be confusing, i was rambling, and sometimes posts are just to get my rambled thoughts down.....better out than in.
DeleteIm going to post a follow up to this post because some points have been raised that have given me food for thought..and yep i will try to explain more about why i feel the way i do about otk lol
x
Maybe you are more upset with yourself for being disrespectful than you are for an otk spanking?? And you are just directing your disappointment toward the otk instead of yourself and therefore you are not able to let it go. If this is the case, than admit you were wrong and you deserved the punishment. I say this because this is something I do, directed my feelings in the wrong direction.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't see the point in acting willing if you are not, odds are he knows anyway. For me, being willing and being obedient are two totally different things.
Misty, you hit the nail pretty much on the head.
DeleteI am disappointed with myself because i know better than to behave the way i did and thats why im dwelling on it.
The otk was not the punishment, it was simply because he felt like it, and my reaction to it was that of a spoiled child acting out because i simply didnt like it....it didnt go the way i want....
and yeah this post was a verbal tantrum of sorts.
x
Well I guess if I would have paid attention to what you wrote I would have noticed that it was not the punishment, lol.
DeleteThat makes the otk worse on more levels! Don't be too hard on yourself.
Hmm, I have been know to throw a "tantrum" of sorts when a session was not going how I wanted it to go. After a few corrective lectures, and some punishments (def. not fun!) I figured out that he didn't actually CARE whether I liked exactly what was being done to me at all times. If I had some good reason, I could tell him. If i just found it... boring, irritating, painful, humiliating etc. i could bloody well just put up with it for a while. I have a little mantra for such times.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it would help you, but here it is. "I am a slave. I can endure. I will endure because I am his slave."
I happen to LOVE, absolutely LOVE, OTK spankings, but there are other things that I really don't love, and just have to put up with.
hey ancila
Deleteoh its good to know im not the only one lol
You know generally it doesnt happen a lot, ideally it shouldnt happen at all, and thats what really pissed me off, im frustrated with myself that i behaved the way i did.
I like your mantra, and i do try, and usually im ok with keeping myself centered but sometimes i need a harsh reminder of what my place is....and then i feel bad that he has needed to do that.
x
My tantrum, in the past, consisted of running from him and hiding in the bed, under the covers. Let's just say it did NOT go over well. Neither did just out and out saying "That is really annoying! Would you just stop!"
ReplyDeleteSo so so much not the bestest slave ever!
tori,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I think it is most important that you obeyed Master despite your feelings.
Hugs,
joey
oh tori,:( time to take a breath now and let it go. You got spanked as a punishment and you didn't like it, but isn't that the point, punishment isn't meant to be pleasant. I hope you manage to get past this my friend. thinking of you and hope you can manage to stay out of trouble for a bit :-)
ReplyDelete