Friday, 13 March 2015

When it goes wrong/lessons learned

Thanks to L'heureBleue for suggesting this, ref, the previous post

I had asked my Master if he would write the response to this, in how he would have handled it differently, and he might put forth his own views at a later date...might, at the moment he isnt well, makes a change,usually its me, anyway this is what i think.

The biggest error was a lack of communication, it really i think all does come down to that, it cant be stressed enough how important that is, and we both failed on this account, however its not easy for me to say this, because i do have the utmost respect for him, but i think the lack of communication was more on him than me on this occasion...which makes a change...usually im the guilty one!

1)  He should have prepared me better, at the least spoke to me about meeting with them, bearing in mind this is going back 8 years, so i wasnt obviously where i am now.  Having only the night before experienced my first time playing with others, which for the record i enjoyed, it was a night of many 'firsts' for me, a lot to get my head around.

2) If he had spoken to me, i would have had the opportunity to talk to him about it, he would have been better informed in respect of where my head was at, what my concerns were etc.  I was tired from the night before, emotionally as well as physically, and what i needed was time with him alone to process the night before......if i had known what was planned, i would have been able to say that.

3)  Why did he do it?  this is where i would prefer him to reply, i dont want to put words into his mouth, or make assumptions that i may be well off on.....however this is my thoughts on why...

i) The opportunity simply presented itself, we had travelled to meet the couple we met the night before, the other couple were close by, i had spoken to them both a fair bit online, and i think he was of the mind, may as well meet with them as well, as it was convenient.

ii)  He genuinely thought i was ready, that i could handle it, because i know he would not intentionally put me through something if im no way ready, he wouldnt risk jeopardising what we have, and potentially that could have done.

iii) He likes pushing me, he knows i like being pushed, it definitely pushed me alright, but too hard, too fast, he recognised that afterwards, and was sorry, he made a happens

4)  We should have spoken more in detail about the use of safewording when playing with others, i knew i could, but i wasnt sure what would warrant me being able to use it, so on this meeting, both my Master and the other dominant were caning me simultaneously, it started to get too much, i started to panic, Master stopped it when he saw i was getting distressed, i wanted to safeword before he did stop it, but i didnt know if i was allowed to because he was caning me too, i thought i could only safe word if it was just me engaging with someone else, without him, observing, but not actively involved.

5)  When we got there and the other dominant accused me off peeping out from the blindfold, i think Master should have addressed the issue there and then, what was this other dominants motive? it was brushed aside, but for me it straight away had me doubting this other dominant, instant distrust...not a good start.

6)  When the sub was caning me, i think Master thought i was doing ok, because i was not showing any outward signs that i wasnt coping, but quite the opposite, i was trying to fight this instinct to walk out, i didnt feel safe and i wanted out, so when i did safe word, i suspect he couldnt understand why.

7) Regardless he should have addressed why i had safe worded there and then, i needed a 5 minute time out to talk to him alone

So, basically a huge, huge lack of communication, we have learnt from it.

Its not a situation i can foresee us being in again, of course that is no guarantee but im much more confident in knowing it would be handled better, differently,  im more confident that i would speak out if i was scared in the respect of not feeling safe, i would safe word even if it was just for a 5 minute time out and i know he would give me that.

To conclude, there are parts of it i enjoyed, afterwards (as Master reminded yesterday) i was so horny on our way back, he had to stop the car to deal with that, umm he had to clean the car seat off!

It did however give me greater respect for him, that he recognised and apologised for pushing me too hard, and for what went wrong, i think sometimes there is a tendency to expect too much from them (dominants) at times, to expect them to always get it right, ( i am guilty of that) they are just as fallible as any one else.

My trust in him never wavered at all, in fact later that night was the first time i relinquished a hard limit, he used needles on me, and i asked for them...not that thats relevant to the post.


  1. Hi Tori, I just read your previous post and saw you had posted this one. A follow up post was a great idea.

    It often it down to communication isn't it? I think you are right that we often expect Dominants to always 'get it right', but the reality is they sometimes make mistakes, like everyone does. I think it's great that he recognised this afterwards and apologised and am glad you did talk through it and both learned from the experience.


  2. I know for sure that Doms make mistakes just like anyone else. It happens, and you move past it and hopefully learn. The first time my Master let someone else play with me it was just a minor little thing, but still so huge a change in my head. All he did was have me lie on a couch, and he flogged me some, and whacked me with a spoon, then he asked someone else to flog me. I had no knowledge beforehand of what would happen. Master held my wrists the whole time. It made me feel safe that it was him physically restraining me, holding my hand , even. The flogging lasted just a few minutes, and that was it. It was a nice gradual intro to play with others. I still managed to go completely spacey. The worst part was that I orgasmed, and was afraid that was not allowed (!). I was so new. I thought coming might be a faux pas.

  3. that was a great read, thank you for writing it. makes it all much clearer!

  4. Thanks, Tori, this is brilliant.

    Communication is something that takes time and is important but I think what is often missed is how, what and when to is beyond the 'Can I do this to you?' negotiations.
    Your point about outwarding looking like all is fine and inwardly struggling is poignant...II can relate.