Thursday, 12 March 2015

ancilla ksst's question

ancilla asked

"Has there been any one thing that you have done for your Master, that you wished he'd never had you do?  If so was it because of the experience itself or the afterward?"

When i first read this i was like....omg  i do not want to answer this lol

Its difficult because although there are things i would rather not have to do, and i think you will get this...i do get off on being forced to do licking pussy ugh, no appeal...but being forced, having my head shoved down there and getting beaten at the same time..fuck yes!

There isnt one particular thing, but rather a situation that i wish he had never put me in.

Time hopping back to 2007

We met a couple, it was only my second time playing with others, the first time being the night before, it was too much for me too soon.  There are quite a few things that contributed to me wishing he had handled it differently and/or never had me do.

1) I didnt know it was arranged, i dont cope well with surprises (even nice ones), so when i realised what was happening, i immediately was anxious, i felt that after the night before, being the first time, that was enough for then.  The better prepared i am, the better i can cope with what might be happening, especially in the case of it being new experiences.

2)  Although i had spoke to the couple beforehand a fair bit online, on meeting them, i instinctively didnt trust them, when we were sat talking, i just had this feeling, i was uneasy..... when we first arrived i was blindfolded, whilst my Master went out to the car, the dominant accused me of peeping out of the blindfold, i hadnt! so my mis-trust was justified, i dont like game playing....not like that..was he trying to get me into trouble?, provoke me? i dont know....i didnt have the confidence or even the experience to know how to react, i was too scared and unsure.

3)  The other sub was instructed to cane me, it was ok initially, i was quiet, not making a sound....then her dominant told her "harder" still no sound, and after each stroke again he would say "harder" it felt like he was trying to break me down, and it was inevitable that he was going to because it was more than i could cope with in that situation.

I did safe word, for 2 reasons, a cry for help, i was pissed at Master for letting it happen, no way was i going to handle that, and i couldnt understand how he couldnt see that, the other reason i was on the verge of getting up and walking out...not giving a damn that i didnt know where we was.

I was even more pissed, no upset that he asked that i take some more when i had safe worded, and i didnt feel i was in a position to say no, i didnt want to not please him, i was resentful that he didnt address why i had safe worded, i wasnt coping with it, at that point i wanted out of the whole situation..but again i didnt have the confidence to know what to i did what was expected of me.

Bottom line, the whole experience was just simply too much for me, too soon, i felt pushed too far.

The afterwards, a few days later, it was horrid, things got a bit nasty, between us and them, things said etc

In hindsight, isnt that wonderful thing?  there is some of it, not a lot, that i did like, but not enough that its an experience i would want to repeat, although we have had great meetings with other couples since....its this one that i think about the most and perhaps contributes to my reluctance with meeting others.

The difference now, is i do have the confidence and the experience that i would have handled it differently, i wouldnt have let it get me to the point that i wanted out, because i know if i did, something is off and it needs addressing.


  1. That is a really hard situation. I see where your reluctance comes from. My Master has been super protective of in situations where I have played with others, but at times I have been anxious beforehand. Or angsty afterward.

    1. It was a difficult situation.

      He did afterwards in the aftermath, admit that he had pushed me too far, too fast, i wasnt ready for that sort of scenario, and he isnt one to apologise or appease me if he believes in what he i know he meant it.

      We learnt a lot from it, and thats the one positive i can take from it, i shouldnt let it taint the good times we have with others, but well yeah!


    2. I'm sorry, but apologizing after the fact, is too little too late, sounds to me like he threw you into a lion's den without any concern.

      The sub's welfare should always be a dominant's main concern.

    3. anon

      When i wrote this post, i was aware of how it might be interpreted, not that i intended to portray him in a negative light.

      When i published this post, and my Master read it, he questioned why i didnt mention the positive aspects, that he had admitted afterwards that he had pushed me too far and my reply was that i didnt feel it was pertinent to the question that was asked on the post.

      He is human (i know, that might be hard to believe!), and as such is liable to make mistakes, i respect him for acknowledging as such, to not have done, to not have admitted he had pushed me too far at that time, would i think been more cause for concern.

      The problem is, you have read this post, have you read all of my posts? or even a handful? i doubt it, because if you had you would see a more clearer picture of how we are.

      I have no doubts whatsoever about his concern for my welfare, but really thats no concern of yours.

      ref the lions den....please dont give him any ideas, he might find it appealing being the inconsiderate uncaring sadistic dominant that he is, im surprised i have survived 10 years with him.

      Sorry i tried resisting sarcasm....but i cant help myself!

  2. Tori,

    Hard situation for both of you to handle. So if I could ask a follow-up? Knowing what you know now, how would you handle it differently? How would he?

    You don't have to answer...but goddess, would it ever make an excellent newbie/how to/sometimes things screw up post.

    1. hi Bleuame

      I have asked him if he would do a follow up post, if not then yes i will, i think your suggestion is a good one, certainly clear up what i suspect some could well be thinking.

      thank you...hope your all well...heading over to see you that is lol


  3. I was going to ask if you both talked it through and discussed all the points you blog about afterwards, but i surmise from the comments and your replies that you did.

    A followup post would be awesome.

    1. yeah we did,

      follow up post done lol