The last time......

So i was thinking about the last time Master really pushed me way out my comfort zone, which was a long time ago, well over a year, probably closer to 2, i honestly dont recall if i blogged about it, i dont tend to blog much about sessions we have, dont know why really.

When i was deliberating about asking what i asked for i thought back to this last time, and yes i will admit that at the time as it happened and for a time afterwards, i didnt like it, i didnt like him, it was just horrid.

Its not what actually happened physically (although of course that contributed), it was the emotional impact, there were a lot of 'firsts' and the first time one experiences something new they are sometimes harder to deal with because..well because they new, and i didnt know how to deal with all these emotions that i had.

A lot of it is hazy, the details etc but some of it i remember as though it was yesterday, its those moments that i fantasise about, even now, as much as i detested it at the time, now i find them hot, remembering that as bad as it felt (and was) at the time, much later afterwards there was a sense of accomplishment, i learnt a lot from it, and i loved...hmm perhaps respected is more apt... him more.

One of the moments which turn me on now, he had just let me off the spanking bench, and told me to get on the cross, and i was just so scared, there was no reprieve, just moving onto the next part of my body he wanted to hurt, and i backed away from him, refused to get on the cross.

I was sobbing, saying horrible things to him, throwing down the gauntlet i guess you could say, i was not getting on the cross, and all the while he stood there, whip coiled in his hand, calm, watching me.  Im chuckling now reminiscing, "its going to hurt, a lot" i was mumbling and the bastard just replied "yes, it is".

It was his calmness, all what he said, which now i dont recall much of, and although his words were blunt, that there was no sign of give from him helped me to resign myself to the fact that standing their sobbing and begging wasnt going to get me anywhere, the only way it was going to end was with me getting on the cross.....and i just desperately wanted it all to end.

Another moment was when it did end, thank god, he had undone the restraints on the cross, and i just stood on it, holding on, i didnt want to move, i was in pain, upset, i hated him, he called me to come to him, and i didnt want to but the fight was gone, i felt like there was nothing left of me to give, he was sat in a chair and i think i walked, might have crawled i cant remember, over to him.

He motioned for me to get on my knees, he undid his trousers, and i didnt want to suck his cock, i was angry with him, i didnt want to give him pleasure, i tried to move away but he pulled on my hair, pushing my head down, he said something about maybe i need to get back on the cross, i wasnt going to win this so i took his cock into my mouth, he took his pleasure.

What i struggled with after it was all over was with his lack of feeling, i wanted him to feel 'bad', i wanted him to be sorry for all he had put me through, could he not see how upset i was, how much i was hurting,....i wanted some compassion.

But that was not going to happen, i had served my purpose, i was, am his to use as he sees fit, and this is how he chose to use me at this time, there was nothing to feel bad or sorry about as far as he was concerned.

I got my cuddles later, in bed, and i was still withdrawn, how could this man be so tender and loving when hours before he was so cruel and cold? i couldnt get past that for a long time, i have asked him if he feels compassion when he hurts me in these ways, and no he doesnt.

Im past that now, and so im hoping i wont feel the same way this time, although im prepared for it to be a battle emotionally, i feel im going in more prepared and expectant than i was last time.

The waiting, the anticipation of whats to come is keeping me on edge, torn between excitement and fear, and i will be waiting a while, weeks, it will be on his terms, he has to be in the mood.....fingers crossed i will be in the mood when he is.