Its not the asking for something i would like or want that i have difficulty with....its the being scared of actually getting what i want/like, because sometimes what i want to ask for im scared of, i guess you could say its the whole issue of biting off more than i can chew...and he has this rule that once i ask specifically for something and if he is agreeable its a done deal...no going back.
He likes me to go to him and ask him, well he prefers begging...im not very good at begging for something i would like, of course he can choose to do these things to me without me asking but its more of a thrill i think for him to have me go to him, to willingly say to him "i want this" most especially if it appeals to his sadistic side.
What do i want? (if its written, rather than verbal, can i have a *get out*), if not i would really like the right to retract this post?...hey if you dont ask you dont get......or maybe i do get and thats what i really want...im rambling, i know.
ok so i want
you to hurt me, a lot, i want you to take me beyond my endurance level, its been a long time since we have done that, and i know when (if) it happens i will try to beg my way out of it, i know i will afterwards be withdrawn, sulky because i would have wanted you to stop...but i will get past that..i did the last time, didnt i?
i want to suffer for you, i want it to be solely about fulfilling your needs, i know you hold back, and im not saying i want your worst, but i want a taste of it it, i want to be able to try to give you what you need, and i know you say i am what you need, and i do satisfy you....but i also know your sadism exceeds my masochism and i want to try to catch up.
i know you will most likely say "we'll see" or even perhaps you will ask me if im sure this is what i want, and at the moment i am sure, i know this is what i want......but i do know i wont want it if it happens, i will more than likely fight (verbally) you every step of the way...but i need this, im good health wise, im ready for this...its been too long.
ok, sitting here thinking this over and over,im sure of this..and deep breath..hitting publish.
tori, thank you for sharing. The level of vulnerability you are showing here is truly beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI so understand what you are asking for and why. I want to give to Him more than He takes from me, yet I don't know how to really tell Him. Maybe it's I don't want Him to tell me no because I don't do rejection well. You have given me a lot to think about.
thanks His slut
Deleteit took me ages to press the publish button, but worse was waiting for his response lol
Instead of seeing it as rejection, be prepared to hear his reasonings if its a no, better to have a dominant that cares because he feels your not ready or whatever reason it may be...than a dominant that will just take you up on an offer without any thought to the outcome/repercussions.
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Tori, I feel the same way. I wish that my masochism was an equal match for His sadism. Even though I handle as much as I can, I am always left feeling it isn't enough and that I wished I could have given more or handled it better.
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck and hope that you get what you need:)
I used to, for a long time have these very same feelings, and yeah sometimes i still do, but what gets me through is trusting in him when he tells me he is ok with how i am.
DeleteThis is something i need, yes for him but for me as well.
Thankyou
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As His slut replied, the vulnerability exposed here is simply beautiful, I can almost sense your hesitance in pressing the publish button.
ReplyDeleteAnastasia
hello Anastasia
Deletethankyou.
ooh yes very hesitant, apprehensive of the outcome!
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I think this is sweet!... I have no clue why but I do lol
ReplyDeletelol for me i would call it sweet as well so yeah i can get this..but nope cant really pinpoint why!
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I understand the desire to give him as much as you can, but I wonder just what is the ultimate for him? If I try to put myself in a sadists mindest (not easy TBH), I would think that it is your victims state that brings fulfillment rather than how you got them there. Wouldn't tickling someones feet until they are so distraught that they can't take anymore be more satisfying than whipping someone who is enjoying the experience? I think the point I am trying to make is that letting him take you to the very limit of what you can endure and then have him go that little bit further is perhaps as much as he needs. Thought provoking post, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeletehello Petals Master
DeleteHmm this gave me something to think about. I cant say what the ultimate is for him, although i know he is happy with the way i am and we very much both enjoy s/m, yes for him it gives him more of a thrill when im not enjoying it....he loves my sufferring.
I like being pushed, i dont at the time, but afterwards, when im calmed, thats when for me its a huge buzz..i like the endurance, knowing that i have been taken beyond what i normally can cope with.
Im not actually sure if i have answered this at all lol
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Hi Tori, I can understand the hesitancy in publishing and also agree with HS, the vulnerability you show is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Wonderful thoughtful comment from Petals Master above.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Roz
thanks ever so much Roz, i needed to write this, i need him to know im ready, i want this for him and for me.
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Oh my! You are so brave!
ReplyDeletelol some would say brave, others might say stupid!
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brave brave girl.
ReplyDeleteoh lil, is it brave, or am i bonkers......inclined to go with bonkers lol
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Really, I think it's awesome. It takes a lot to ask for something one knows they will be begging to come to an end.
DeleteAlso, for me personally, that asking (for anything along these lines) takes away my ability to pretend that whatever happens is not something I want or need--I can say he's just a big twisted meanie, but when I ask for it...
I think it takes growth to go to that place and make this kind of request.
I may have stopped making sense...Either way, I am rambling on. Sorry!
Ramble away lil, it does make sense because that is me lol it is easier to deal with it when they do it off their own backs, because yes we can believe they these mean men.....even though we actually deep down want it.
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