Wednesday 29 January 2014

The last time......

So i was thinking about the last time Master really pushed me way out my comfort zone, which was a long time ago, well over a year, probably closer to 2, i honestly dont recall if i blogged about it, i dont tend to blog much about sessions we have, dont know why really.

When i was deliberating about asking what i asked for i thought back to this last time, and yes i will admit that at the time as it happened and for a time afterwards, i didnt like it, i didnt like him, it was just horrid.

Its not what actually happened physically (although of course that contributed), it was the emotional impact, there were a lot of 'firsts' and the first time one experiences something new they are sometimes harder to deal with because..well because they new, and i didnt know how to deal with all these emotions that i had.

A lot of it is hazy, the details etc but some of it i remember as though it was yesterday, its those moments that i fantasise about, even now, as much as i detested it at the time, now i find them hot, remembering that as bad as it felt (and was) at the time, much later afterwards there was a sense of accomplishment, i learnt a lot from it, and i loved...hmm perhaps respected is more apt... him more.

One of the moments which turn me on now, he had just let me off the spanking bench, and told me to get on the cross, and i was just so scared, there was no reprieve, just moving onto the next part of my body he wanted to hurt, and i backed away from him, refused to get on the cross.

I was sobbing, saying horrible things to him, throwing down the gauntlet i guess you could say, i was not getting on the cross, and all the while he stood there, whip coiled in his hand, calm, watching me.  Im chuckling now reminiscing, "its going to hurt, a lot" i was mumbling and the bastard just replied "yes, it is".

It was his calmness, all what he said, which now i dont recall much of, and although his words were blunt, that there was no sign of give from him helped me to resign myself to the fact that standing their sobbing and begging wasnt going to get me anywhere, the only way it was going to end was with me getting on the cross.....and i just desperately wanted it all to end.

Another moment was when it did end, thank god, he had undone the restraints on the cross, and i just stood on it, holding on, i didnt want to move, i was in pain, upset, i hated him, he called me to come to him, and i didnt want to but the fight was gone, i felt like there was nothing left of me to give, he was sat in a chair and i think i walked, might have crawled i cant remember, over to him.

He motioned for me to get on my knees, he undid his trousers, and i didnt want to suck his cock, i was angry with him, i didnt want to give him pleasure, i tried to move away but he pulled on my hair, pushing my head down, he said something about maybe i need to get back on the cross, i wasnt going to win this so i took his cock into my mouth, he took his pleasure.

What i struggled with after it was all over was with his lack of feeling, i wanted him to feel 'bad', i wanted him to be sorry for all he had put me through, could he not see how upset i was, how much i was hurting,....i wanted some compassion.

But that was not going to happen, i had served my purpose, i was, am his to use as he sees fit, and this is how he chose to use me at this time, there was nothing to feel bad or sorry about as far as he was concerned.

I got my cuddles later, in bed, and i was still withdrawn, how could this man be so tender and loving when hours before he was so cruel and cold? i couldnt get past that for a long time, i have asked him if he feels compassion when he hurts me in these ways, and no he doesnt.

Im past that now, and so im hoping i wont feel the same way this time, although im prepared for it to be a battle emotionally, i feel im going in more prepared and expectant than i was last time.

The waiting, the anticipation of whats to come is keeping me on edge, torn between excitement and fear, and i will be waiting a while, weeks, it will be on his terms, he has to be in the mood.....fingers crossed i will be in the mood when he is.


















10 comments:

  1. I love how honest you are. I wonder if you'd feel the same about him if he were more compassionate. You said that you had gained respect for him because of his unrelenting in what he (and you, I suspect) needed. Would you have gained that same level of respect had he been compassionate? Perhaps because I assume that you, by saying "compassionate" mean that he would have gave in a bit...not required so much...I think that you wouldn't have respected him as much. You need to be used for his purpose. It fulfills you. And if he were to relent in the least, you wouldn't have felt as accomplished in the end. Does that make sense at all!? lol

    For whatever reason, the first time always seems more difficult and harder to take, so this time at least you know what to expect. Then again...he is a sadist and will probably push you hard, just like he did last time...and in the end you'll gain an even greater respect for him.

    hugs
    p

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    1. Thanks p

      I think you have made a very good point with your perceptions, if he had given in then yes i most likely would not have grown more respect for him, he stood his ground and as much as i may not have liked it, it does provide this sense of security,

      Firsts are always worsts i think sometimes, but now i can admit that i love this cruel side of him, i have become accustomed to it and can rationalise its just a part of him....and perhaps a lot of it is im more secure in knowing how he feels about me.

      x

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  2. I want to respond to this post but I am not sure how ... My jaw has hung open .. my eyes are wide .. there is fear!
    And all I can say is WOW! ... This post is amazing .. and scary and so far beyond my experience that I am in awe. In awe that this event was so cold, that you were in such distress and that you rose up from it .. stronger (& still there).
    I wish I could say I could relate to this but it is so far above my experience level ... maybe one day I can but wow, I think you are rather remarkable.
    (I hope that this did not sounds too stupid or naive ,,, it just reminds me how new I still really am)

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    1. Oh geekie kittie you dont sound stupid or naive, it took me a long while to get to where i was then and i still have so much to learn, to experience.

      lol not been called remarkable before....so thats a first.

      Hindsight is a wanderful thing, yes it was horrid at the time, but where i am now i can look back and think it was not nice but it wasnt as bad as it felt and was at the time....bloody hell does that make any sense at all lol

      x

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  3. hi thank you for sharing. I love getting insight into other peoples relationships. I hope that you will be in the mood as well when you have your play session. hugs

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    1. thanks trixie

      I enjoy the same, its interesting i think to see how we all think, the differences, the similarities, and well we can always i think now matter how experienced one is...learn from others.

      thank you

      x

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  4. I know, so far from my experience, too. I do hope you'll share how it goes this time, and if you go through the same thing, etc.

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    1. I think every experience we have helps us to learn and to grow, mistakes as well, i think we have to err to come out all the better for it,

      thanks

      x

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  5. Wow Tori, thank you for sharing this and for your honesty. This is beyond my experience so I don't really know what to say except thank you for the insight. I think you are remarkable too.

    I'm so glad you feel more prepared this time and hope the time he chooses is right for you.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. thanks Roz

      oh gosh remarkable...i dont know about that lol, i think its just simply that we have been together a long while and well as much as i might not like to admit it at times (i think because its something im really uncomfortable with) my masochism is just the way i am, its always been there i think it just needed someone to bring it out of me.

      x

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