I was reading a blog post earlier and my mind went a wandering and well i do that, its been on my mind for a while now.
A few months back we had a hard session if not one of the more intense ones we have had, well for me it was i dont think it was for him, you see i have a major hang up...i worry i dont fill his sadistc needs to be fair he has never made me feel this way..its me. I have this paranoia because of my lack of experience my 5 years compared to his 30 (yes he is a fair bit older than me), he has done a lot, seen a lot, whereas for me im still learning and trying new things.
The irony is when i was looking i wanted someone older than me someone with lots of experience and the age gap isnt an issue...i was more excited when he turned 50 than he was (yeah i know im wierd like that). The fact is his sadism way surpasses my masochism, he holds back i know he does, occassionaly i will get a glimpse of how sadistic he wants to be but he is far too self controlled to unleash fully...that should bring me comfort shouldnt it?......it doesnt i want to fill all his needs.
This session we had at the time was horrid i really really didnt enjoy it at the time, i cried, screamed begged for him to stop...basically i was a mess, it took me a while to get over it mentally more than the physically, he loved it, i have never seen him so determined, driven and cold...he was in his element but still he held back..i know he did. I resented him and i was withdrawn for a while, i needed time to process what had happened.
Now a few months on and we have had sessions since then which are good dont get me wrong but no where near as intense, he was more tolerant, he hurt me but not as much as he has hurt me on previous times even before the 'horrible' session. I havent spoken to him about this (its easier to write my thoughts down sometimes than to do it face to face) and i should im the first to preach about the importance of communication but has he held back because of how i reacted and the effect it had on me....in other words am i holding him back?
The biggest issue im having is now i look back on that session and it turns me on, his cruelty excites me, knowing that he really loved it excites me, i want to go back and handle it differently but i cant it was what it was, its easy now to say i want it but when your there and its happening its a completley different ballgame. I remember standing there defiantly refusing to get on the cross i didnt want the whip it was a stand off, battle of the wills you could say, eventually i got on the cross he wasnt going to back down and i respect him for that more now....i appreciate it, i needed it. Im not saying i want it always to be like that i dont, and he does always tend to push me harder anyway but i want that glimpse again of that hard cold sadist who is immune to my tears and begging...just occassionaly.