Consistency

I need consistency, it makes me feel more secure knowing that there are firm boundries in place of what he will and wont tolerate, if i try to push these boundries i end up getting frustrated and occasionally prone to displays of what can only be described as childish behaviour but he always stands firm and even through my frustration there is relief that he doesnt give in.....he stays consistent.

Im not proud of myself when i behave this way and im not about to make excuses of why i do, its not that he doesnt expect me to act up ever but he does expect me to behave like an adult and thats not an unreasonable expectation.   Some might say he is too hard on me when i do behave in a stroppy manner and he does come down on me hard and i dont mean in a physical sense but rather he makes his disappointment very clear but worse it lowers his expectations of me.

Sometime its bad enough that im punished and i have deserved it, i have needed the punishment as a form of catharsis, its never ignored completely that would be worse than anything for me because i need the consistency of knowing that i cant and shouldnt be allowed to get away with behaving in a manner he doesnt like.

I find when im pissed off at him, i need to contain that emotion rather than engaging mouth before brain and when im feeling calm then discuss why im pissed off in a reasonable manner.  Of course sometimes it doesnt always go that way and if he senses it is then he steps in firmly and i get a warning that im on the edge of going to far.

Its funny when he set this blog up for me he said i was free to write what i like even at times i was pissed off i could rant at or about him and he would let it go (within reason) and in the beginning there were a few what i shall call 'tantrum posts'.  They have tapered off and mostly if im honest its because im concious of how the way i behave and what i say is a reflection on him, that doesnt mean i dont have stroppy days and moments i do but im learning to deal with them more effectively....its slow progress.