Friday, 16 March 2012

Hard limits...what are they? or is it whose are they?

I very rarely will remove posts or comments (unless its blatant spam) from the blog, i think part of blogging is accepting that opinions differ and we dont always agree with everyone and im all for healthy debate, i wont remove content because someone may happen to disagree with me or they find what i have written offensive or they have just simply interpreted it differently that happens....there are exceptions...complete and utter disrespect and rudeness being one of them.

There are certain subjects within bdsm and the M/s lifestyle that seem to attract controversy and the discussion of limits is one of them, i have written about limits before a few years ago actually and my opinions on that has changed since (go figure people actually change, mature and dare i say it learn from experiences)...ok apologies for the sarcasm.....i do wander if some people dont get my british sense of humour.

I struggle with the idea of stating that something is a hard limit and we can assume that a hard limit is something that is completley not negotiable under any circumstances..bottom line its not happening at all ever.  I absolutley get wound right up when the subject of hard limits come up and there is always the no minors/ it just me that thinks that shouldnt even need to be brought should be just a given, when i think of limits these are areas that are associated with bdsm and and activities within the alternative adults only.

An expectation we have is not to do anything intentionally that would permenantley damage me physically or mentally (not including permenant marks), and then there are things that he has absolutley no interest in so therefore we dont do them unless he should change his mind in the future.  When i chose to give over all control to him that included what i would and would not do, not liking something was not allowed to be a hard limit (in effect this meant my limits became his to control) and i had to be open to having things i dont like or didnt want to do being explored if he should choose to do so.

Now this does not mean its a case of him going woohoo i can do what i like to her and string me up and do every nasty thing he can think of regardless to how it effects me...well he could but that would be damaging and we dont do damage not intentionally.  Nor does it mean i have done everything or that i ever will...there is a huge range of possibilities out there, nor does it mean he will expect me to.

What it does mean is he expects me to be open to the endless possibilities and to be receptive to working on them should he choose to guide me there, it wont and doesnt happen overnight, it could take weeks, months, it could never just might be too much for me in a physical or mental way in which case its left alone perhaps permantley or perhaps to revisit at a later date.

This is why i struggle with defining hard limits because people change, they grow with experience and what once was a hard limit may not be in the future so by definition it was never a hard limit if we are using the defintion i used in second paragraph.  If i had stuck with my hard limits and been adamant about not giving them up i would have held myself back not just from me but from him and i dont want that.....its not easy in fact i bloody struggle....but its just right for us.

Anyway back to comments i had one made on an old post, i removed it, i deliberated at first i was upset then i was angry the commentator was horrified that i welcome and condone domestic violence because i had stated that i like to be slapped in the face and im abused, i do also like to be punched but not in the face and these were originally way back hard limits for me...well to be honest i cant say they were actually because they wasnt something that crossed my mind.  The comment was aggressive and totally disrespectful to me and towards my Master....and i wont tolerate that.

I do not on any level condone domestic violence or abuse..this lifestyle is about consent given willingly, i would not read a blog about someone experiencing dv and say to them "whats the matter with you...nothing wrong with a good slap in the face" it would be highly inappropriate.  Im pretty sure that there are many many people out there that think what i and my Master do is inappropriate and wrong and thats ok, i would not and dont expect people to always 'get' where im coming from. 

I dont expect to be judged because my 'ideal' does not fit with someone elses, disagree by all means but disparaging comments have no place.


  1. I'm sorry someone felt the need to be so judgmental on your blog. I think we as group tend to be less judgmental because hey we all have our own kinks. Here's a secret....don't tell, but sometimes when we are in the thick of it I really do wish he would slap me in the face.

  2. thanks dancingbarez, i have calmed down now lol but i was just really angry.

    ps dont worry your secret is safe with me and sometimes there are times i want a quick sharp slap just because...

    tori x