Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Tuesday 4 March

Writing in here isnt sometimes easy especially if im not in a good frame of mind, and when im not what i write/say comes out wrong, i wrote in here earlier and on reflection deleted it permenantley. My confidence varies depending on the situation im in but overall i dont think im that much of a confident person, when im confronted with something or a situation that i lack confidence in i tend to react negatively.

I deleted the post because i was reacting to a situation i was and am not happy about (ie not confident) and had a verbal tantrum, these happen occassionally probably more than they should. I don't believe He would of been angry if He had read it (He doesnt do angry as i said before) but i figured im in for a difficult weekend as it is without adding to it and although i can pretty much say what i like here, i wrote in frustration simply because i wasnt getting my own way and thats never good.

Im a strong willed person and in vanilla life i tend to get things my own way, which some would interpret that does not make me submissive and definitley not a slave, however most subs/slaves tend to have strong personalities and unlike the popular misconception are not doormats. Im not really a fan of labels, as everyones intrepretation of what a slave is and how they should behave varies and everyones dynamic is different from another. What i am confident about is that even when i do have my tantrums, each one is a learning curve but the end goal is always the same...i will do what He wants. The easy option would be to walk away when the going gets tough, because its not easy, the reality is sometimes its fucking scary and i work myself up into a state hence the tantrums. But He knows or He should do by now that even when i have my wobbly moments i wouldnt change anything, and sometimes i need to be put firmly back into my place.


  1. Hellooooo Tori

    I think I am understanding a bit more now, but what about your feelings does he not care about how you feel? Because it seems very obvious to me that whatever the situation is its causing you distress, or does he like making you do things you find difficult?

    I found the post you deleted amusing, although I can see why you removed it did make me chuckle.


  2. hi helen

    thats actually a difficult question to answer because i really dont know myself, im inclined to say that no i dont think he cares about my feelings as harsh as that may sound i think he enjoys it most when i find something difficult.

    Im not distressed, i just find this situation (i guess your wandering what situation?)difficult to cope with emotionally, and because of this my reactions tend to be unpredictible as in i dont know how i will react until im in it.

    Im glad you find my rants amusing, i guess when im in full swing i dont hold back, im not really a bitch honestly (well only if really provoked).


  3. Hello

    Well yes I would like to know but I appreciate it may not be something you want to mention here.

    I admit im looking forward to when you get back from the weekend, because you will write about it here wont you?

    I do hope it goes well for you.

    Helen x