Sunday, 9 March 2008

thoughts on the weekend

Well the birching wasnt that bad at all in fact i liked it, that was the good news unfortunatley He realised i was enjoying it and so used the birch rods individually..they hurt a lot at the time although i dont think they have as much after sting as the canes do, which is what i like about the cane the sting lasts longer afterwards. However the big difference is although once it was over the pain virtually went immediatley i sure as hell didnt want anymore anytime soon wheras with the cane often i will crave it again to get the after-effects so the birch rods were effective as punishment simply because i definitley wouldnt ask for more.

I wasnt restrained when He used the birch rods and on reflection i think it would have been more effective if i had of been, my reasons being the mental aspect, when im restrained im forced to focus on my vunerability and thats when emotions come to the surface. What i mean by this is when i feel vunerable my emotions and reactions are more transparent, what i feel is more intense and therefore i react/respond differentley than i do when unrestrained. I have a love/ hate relationship with bondage in many ways i love the feeling of being helpless and dependent but i also hate it for those same reasons. Im more likely to cry when in bondage because im vunerable and i have come close once when He used the whip on my back a few months ago, but im also just as likely to feel pissed off and verbally express as such like i did when we met with h****i.

If im gagged as well as in bondage then that accelerates the feeling of helplessness because the only form of communicating with Him is through the eyes well and mumbling incoherentley, and the eyes give away lot, anger, pain, pleading, fear but eventually the realisation and acceptance of the situation hits. The point im getting to on why i think it would of been more effective had He restrained me is that when He asked me if i felt i had been punished enough of course i said yes as i didnt want anymore, i would have said anything He wanted to hear to avoid more. Yet if restrained and therefore vunerable and as explained emotions are more intense He could either of got a respone of "i bloody hate you" (or worse) to a genuine tearful appeal for mercy. I think on reflection i wanted to cry i needed to reach that state of mind and i just cant seem to get there unless im in bondage and helpless.

Ok thats enough for now.


  1. Hello Tori

    I have been checking often to see if you had written yet. So you wouldnt mind being birched again then? and to think you was dreading it well thats good.

    Im not sure I understand what you was saying about bondage, do you enjoy it then or not? If your not restraned how do you stay where you are. Are you really repentent or do you think you could have taken more? im asking that because my interpretation of what you wrote is that you felt it wasnt enough.

    Helen xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. hi helen

    blimey you stalking me!!!

    i will reply to you but first im going to finish writing about the weekend.

  3. hi helen

    No i wouldnt mind being birched again, some things i really think i will hate i enjoy so its hard to really tell until it happens, or because i convince myself its going to be really really bad, it never is as bad as i convince myself it is going to be...make sense?

    The thing about bondage is because physical movement is obviously restricted, its easier to accept what is happening irrespective of the pain. As i said i love/hate bondage but given a choice i prefer to be in bondage not necessarily because i enjoy it more because often thats not the case but its when i feel most vunerable and i like that.

    As for how i stay where im meant to be, well to be honest i often dont eventually i tend to move away, to avoid what He is doing, mostly im made to get back into position, if i resist i usually end up feeling guilty.

    Feeling repentant wasnt so much of an issue for me, i was more upset and sorry when the issue was discussed of what i had done to deserve to be punished, i tend to get more upset when He voices His disappointment more than the actual punishment itself.