thoughts on the weekend

Well the birching wasnt that bad at all in fact i liked it, that was the good news unfortunatley He realised i was enjoying it and so used the birch rods individually..they hurt a lot at the time although i dont think they have as much after sting as the canes do, which is what i like about the cane the sting lasts longer afterwards. However the big difference is although once it was over the pain virtually went immediatley i sure as hell didnt want anymore anytime soon wheras with the cane often i will crave it again to get the after-effects so the birch rods were effective as punishment simply because i definitley wouldnt ask for more.

I wasnt restrained when He used the birch rods and on reflection i think it would have been more effective if i had of been, my reasons being the mental aspect, when im restrained im forced to focus on my vunerability and thats when emotions come to the surface. What i mean by this is when i feel vunerable my emotions and reactions are more transparent, what i feel is more intense and therefore i react/respond differentley than i do when unrestrained. I have a love/ hate relationship with bondage in many ways i love the feeling of being helpless and dependent but i also hate it for those same reasons. Im more likely to cry when in bondage because im vunerable and i have come close once when He used the whip on my back a few months ago, but im also just as likely to feel pissed off and verbally express as such like i did when we met with h****i.

If im gagged as well as in bondage then that accelerates the feeling of helplessness because the only form of communicating with Him is through the eyes well and mumbling incoherentley, and the eyes give away lot, anger, pain, pleading, fear but eventually the realisation and acceptance of the situation hits. The point im getting to on why i think it would of been more effective had He restrained me is that when He asked me if i felt i had been punished enough of course i said yes as i didnt want anymore, i would have said anything He wanted to hear to avoid more. Yet if restrained and therefore vunerable and as explained emotions are more intense He could either of got a respone of "i bloody hate you" (or worse) to a genuine tearful appeal for mercy. I think on reflection i wanted to cry i needed to reach that state of mind and i just cant seem to get there unless im in bondage and helpless.

Ok thats enough for now.