Im trying to focus on writing more about the weekend but im distracted by a conversation i have just had with Him and i need to come to terms with that before finishing off what i started.
Before the weekend He had wrote to some people asking if they would be interested in meeting with us at the weekend, one piece of mail disturbed me enough to the point that when a reply was recieved i deleted it without Him reading it. The mail in question was a Domme and i know it is something He wants a lot to see me used by a Domme unfortunatley it is also something i have the biggest problem with enough to make me delete her reply being fully aware that this was wrong.
Having since told Him of what i had done, i have been told to reply to her apologising for my behaviour which i have done, and ideally He would like to arrange with her a meeting so that she can punish me. It is something i have protested against not because i dont see what i have done is wrong because i do and i knew the consequences would be serious, what i protest against is the fact the underlying reason of why i did what i did is disregarded. I can only say in my defence my reaction was one of fear, i believe being put in that situation could be detrimental to my relationship with Him and that is why i reacted the way i did, although i see now it has made things a lot worse and the damage i feared would be done has in a way happened.
Im in a hole at the moment because if i dont agree to what He demands then that would cause problems, yet if i do which i know i should then i think there will still be problems, the only soulution that i can see is to do what He wants and hope that i can cope with it.
I feel like im being emotionally blackmailed, if i dont do what He wants or cant cope with it then i must not be a slave and maybe He is right im doubting that i am good enough for Him because a good slave would be the proverbial unemotional/unfeeling robot and im not that. Or maybe i am because ultimatley i will do what He wants regardless of how i feel and thats scary in itself.
Anyway will finish the weekend later.........