expectations

He gave me the option of finding a women or a couple for when we meet and if successful and i did well with the other women then the whip strokes would be reverted back to the original 150. At first i thought that sounded reasonable but on thinking about it i would rather have 300 whip strokes, of course He will most likely search for a women or couple still but at least it means i dont have to because its just exhausting and most of the time there timwasters and i just havent got the enthusiasm to deal with prats.

I have been thinking over this quite a bit lately (other people that is) and im sure He thinks im just being awkward and difficult but im not and wheras before i would get upset especially when He would make references that being a slave i should enjoy it because it pleases Him now i dont. Not because i dont believe this to be true but more because goddam it i am a good slave, not perfect by any means but i try and ultimately i will do it. So does it make me a bad slave that i find being with other women distasteful? i dont think so, should i downright refuse to do it then that would be different but i wouldnt do that. Does it make a bad slave because i dont enjoy it? no because thats the same as saying as i should enjoy getting 300 strokes of the whip because He will enjoy giving them, but i wont.

I wish i did enjoy and was keen to be with another women, it would certainly make it a lot easier, but i cant change how i am no matter how much He may want me to and i think thats what i find difficult to understand, the fact is i will do it but expecting me to enjoy it and be keen seems unrealistic. I understand what He says about i should because it pleases Him, i get that totally, but at what expense, how far do i have to go and what do i have to do to prove myself to Him, where does it end.

The thing is its not that i completely detest it at all, because as i said in previous post i get off on doing it because i have to, what i have a problem with is the expectation to act naturally when its not something im naturally drawn to, i cant "make-love" or be "intimate" with another women not in the sense of enjoying it.