After having read the first comment left on my blog it did disturb me that i was perceived as having low self esteem and lacking in self confidence, but after reading through a few of my recent posts i can see how this could of been interpreted to appear this way, and as this is my blog i want to rectify that once and for all.
Im 32 years old, of sound mind, reasonably intelligent and know myself well enough to know what is right for me. My vanilla life is good, i have a good family network, great friends, a job im very happy in and good at, to dispel any thoughts that i dont have a "normal" life i figured i should point out that indeed i do lead a very normal everyday life, full most likely of the same shit that everyone has, but this blog isnt about my "vanilla" life it is about my relationship with my Master which although is not able to be 24/7 living together is just as important to me and i dont switch off from being His slave when we are not together, i am always His slave.
Im not going to go down the route of what a slave should be or how they should behave because it may well differ from one person to the next, what matters to me is what He expects from me, i have said before that i chose to be His slave but it wasnt something i just one day announced or decided, it was more a natural progression which happened very quickly. Initially it was me that chose to give up my safeword there was no pressure from Him to do so, not that im against them but this is about what was right for me and really was the start of me becoming His slave. I strongly believe that it was the right decision and have no regrets, i admit the enormity of what being His slave meant did not really hit me until the moment i was put in a situation i would rather not have been in and didnt want to do. The situation that comes to mind is the first time we "played" with another couple which is something i was very apprehensive about, the male in the couple was of very large build to the point of being obese and was certainly not someone i was attracted to in any way at all.
We met in a pub to have dinner, all four of us, and it was pleasant enough as the evening progressed the decision was made to go back to theirs if all was happy with that. The point of whether i would be happy to go back to their place was not discussed between my Master and myself because it was irrelevant, it was His decision to make if there was any doubt of my level of submission to Him it would have first been apparrent then, i could have expressed my distate for the man and declined to go ahead, out of politeness i could have waited until i was in the car alone with my Master to express that i had no interest but i didnt and the thought of doing so did not cross my mind. The point is i was not bullied and certainly not dragged kicking and screaming into this situation, i knew beforehand that this moment would arrive, we discussed my concerns and fears, my driving force was like any submissive/slave and that is the desire and need to please.
As our relationship has progressed and deepened so too has my level of submission, and im discovering more about myself that is sometimes scary but mostly is liberating. I dont understand why i am like i am, i stopped trying to figure that out a long time ago, im a masochist (dictionary definition: "a person who gains sexual gratification through pain, deprivation or degredation") and i fit that description, the more pain im in the more aroused i am even when its pain i dont like and would rather not have. What i do like though is enduring the pain and often i berate myself for not being able to take as much as i would like and what He would like to give, i love the adrenilin rush of being scared and vunerable, the more horrible He is the more excited i am.
I suppose where it may be difficult to understand and could be misinterpreted is that i enjoy having to do things i dont like, which as i type this i know does not make much sense so i can only try to explain as best as i can. My primary enjoyment is being dominated, the less control i have the more secure and content i am. An example is my dislike for going down on a women, i havent enjoyed the act itself (and could happily not have to do it again) but having to do it because its what He enjoys fulfills my need for being dominated and for as long as i feel controlled at these times i can endure it, and this applies to other activities i dont like. Overall i am happy but (there is always a but) these are my needs and His are what comes first but the point to remember is that if i did not have these needs then i wouldnt be here, because to fill my needs/desires means submitting to His, that is the core of the relationship and what it is built upon.
The reality is sometimes its not nice, i dont like Him very much when He is doing something to me im not liking, i get upset, i think He is being unreasonable, but if it wasnt this way then it would only be my needs getting met, which is not how it should be and defines the difference (in my opinion) between slave and sub, i cannot and do not want the choice of what He does to me and when it stops. He is a sadist (look that up yourself in a dictionary if you need to) so obviously some of His enjoyment comes from inflicting pain on me and yes especially pain i dislike, im not "beaten up" im beaten and if i happen to enjoy it, which i do on occassions thats a bonus if i dont well thats just too bad.
What i do know though at these times is i may well be hurting and suffering but im safe, i know this because i trust His judgement, His ability but most of all i know He would never damage me, hurt me yes and there is a difference. Think of it as having a favourite very expensive car, you enjoy using it a great deal and therefore you want to be able to use it again and again, so it needs to be taken care of after each use. He has never beaten me in anger, He has never had to shout or lose His temper in order to gain my complience, on the times i verbally resist He is firm and in control this calms me and i submit willingly. That being said we are both human and errors can be made on both our parts, i struggle with my submission at times and this manifests itself in a number of ways, i can be stroppy, insecure and worst of all disrespectful. As His slave His expectations of me are not unrealistic, to be obedient, loyal and respectful comes to mind, when i falter i look to Him to correct me because i want and need to please Him and also because i want to better myself.
On the flip side of the coin however, there is no shortage of comfort, support and cuddles, in fact its me who has asked Him to beat me and then leave me for a period of time (when i say leave i mean in the context of being made to stay in postion and ignored) because it appeals to my fondness for degredation and dehumanisation (this is something i should add that as yet He has never done). The only time i get no immediate comfort or words of encouragment is when i am being punished and nor at those times would i deserve or should expect it as it would be my poor behaviour that has got me punished in the first place. Which leads to the point of what prompted me to write this post in the first place.
I spoke to Him extremely disrespectfully, there is no excuse for my behaviour, that is not to say i am not allowed to express my feelings as i am as long as it is done in a respectful way and mindful of my place as His slave, i failed on both these counts. I was given a punishment at home and when next we meet 150 strokes of the whip, i then soon after masturbated without permission and was made worse by the fact that it was just after i had been granted permission to masturbate as i took my punishment well, the strokes have then been increased to 300.
This may well seem over the top but i pushed Him too far and now i face the consequences, of course im scared its going to bloody hurt a lot and is far more than what i know i can handle, but i know its no more than what i deserve and need. Previous punishments for similar offences have not had the desired effect, it is severe but i only have myself to blame, not only have i disappointed Him but i let myself down.
To finish off, should it ever get to the point where He feels the need to send me to someone else to punish me, that would probably be the point in which i walk away because i would see that as being a rejection and that i couldnt and wouldnt cope with.
At the end of the day im really not concerned with what others may think of my relationship with Him, i shouldnt have to explain myself to people that i dont know and nor do they know me.