Im having one of those 'be careful what you wish for..you might just get it' moments, i masturbated on Saturday without permission and its something i have a bad habit of doing, i dont have any excuse really He was really busy on that day and i was feeling insecure and i thought well fuck it He isnt going to have time to answer a request if i sent one so not a lot He can do about it. Im not proud of myself it wasnt the right attitude to have and well i thought very naively as it turned out that i might just get away with it, my train of thought was that He didnt whip me last time as punishment (as He said He would) for masturbating so theres a good chance i might get out of this one. So back to being careful for what you wish for....i wanted His attention, i think i can safely say that when we meet up its not going to be very pleasant attention well not for me anyway.
The worst thing is in a way is i know i deserve to be severely punished because i have a habit of doing it, but i do think if He had punished me previously when we was together then the message would have definitely got through, because i was dreading it the thought of 50 strokes was unbearable let alone having them, but when He didnt i guess i became complacent about it. Now its worse i didnt think it could get much worse but i was wrong again it most definitley can, when He wants He can be really cruel and i find that difficult especially when i have brought it on myself which on this occassion i have.
I have accepted that im not going to be able to sway Him and nor should i because i know i deserve it, but when it comes round i know i will inevitibly end up begging for mercy which is pointless really because it rarely works if at all and i suspect He derives some pleasure from that as well.
Anyway must remember not to forget anything this time, it seems ages away until we get together next and im looking forward to it, which sometimes i think is wierd how can i look forward to something when i know for some periods of that time im not going to like at all, and the only answer i have is that as bad as it may be on occassions i remember what He said to me ages ago about this being a role (ie being a slave) i can not half choose, basically i cannot and nor do i want to choose what or how He may decide to use me.