my behaviour

Im regretting asking You for some suggestions for topics that i can write about in my blog, i should have known better really. So out of the 2 topics i think i will start with the one i find the hardest.

My behaviour and punishments.

I wrote Him an email a few weeks ago after reflecting on why i have repeatedly masturbated without His permission, and the only conclusion that i could come to was that punishments i have had for this have not been harsh enough to deter me and also the fact that on occassions He has forgotten that a punishment is due. Bearing this in mind therefore i have always felt confident that He would forget again or i could negotiate and lessen the severity of the punishment so the threat of what He might do didnt really deter me.

Anyway what prompted me to reflect on my behaviour was after the last incident, He was really not happy and what He said upset me enough to re-evaluate my behaviour and the consequences of this made me realise that i havent been a good slave and nor will i be if my attitude doesnt change. I want to be a good slave, i want to be able to be put in any situation and obey Him immediatley without complaint or hesitation but im realistic and realise this will not happen overnight. So the first step i felt is to be held accountable for my behaviour and to accept any punishment He decides as i would usually count on Him forgetting or i would plead/beg whatever to get out of it and sometimes i would succeed. I decided to write Him an email because i find it difficult to express sometimes what im thinking verbally plus its hard to ask for something that im really not going to like even though i need it. And i need to be punished severely when my behaviour is not pleasing, obviously it will be something i really hate but thats the point, it needs to be to make it effective.

So i have wrote a list of punishments i have due, this has the benefits of obviously making me not forget and having to actually write my behaviour down makes me feel ashamed, i will take the list with me when we meet next and face the consequences.

There are 5 punishments on the list: masturbating without permission (consistentley), using butt plug without permission, speaking disrespectfully, lying about the gag, not cleaning fingers after masturbating, im trying to make a big effort not to add to it, its bad enough as it is and i figure the weekend will be a difficult one.

Ultimatley as difficult and as painful as it will be, and i suspect i may throw a wobbly, the bottom line is although i dont want it (and i really dont) i need it, sometimes i need Him to be really harsh, because on occassions i get away with more than i should.