Thursday, 19 June 2008

one step forward...two steps back

Sometimes He really frustrates me and i find it hard to keep my mouth shut and not go off on a rant, like today im getting worked up about my list and im not allowed to mention it again, the subject is closed well until the weekend we meet. Well thats all very well for Him, but im getting my knickers in a twist over what He is going to do and i hate not knowing and its eating away at me. And im failing miserably at stopping myself from protesting and saying no to Him, i came close to having another thing added to the bloody list today because of my attitude and then i feel bad especially as i only wrote about improving my behaviour on here a couple days ago.

I feel sometimes that i behave like a child throwing a tantrum because somethings are not going my way, not that this gets me anywhere with Him, because in vanilla life i tend to get a lot of things my own way my attitude at times overlaps into my relationship with Him and obviously being the nature of the relationship it is, this is not appropriate. I have a habit of losing sight of the fact that His pleasure comes before mine and being a slave means no say in how He chooses to use me, He said last week that i have a tendency to forget He is my owner not my partner and that was a bit of a reality jolt because i realised He was right and i do behave disrespectfully more than i should. Im sorry Sir.


  1. Hello

    I have been reading your blog for a few months now, and have been given permission by my Master to post a comment.

    What has prompted me to leave a comment is what you write and express I can emphasise with you, im a slave and have been for seven years, although we have only lived together for the past two of those.

    I hope none of my comments cause offence to yourself or your Master.

    It is not easy to maintain an M/s relationship, the ideal of being the perfect slave that obeys without question all the time, shows no resistance and behaves immpecably does not happen overnight, if indeed it happens at all.

    I have noticed throughout your blog you give yourself a hard time, almost like your beating yourself up to reach this point, seven years on I still mess up, behave in a manner I should not, and yes even throw tantrums, not as frequentley as I used to but it does happen.

    I can only talk from my experiences, but reading through some of your posts is like an echo from my past, you sound frustrated that your not able to be the slave that your Master wants you to be.

    When I started out I was only able to be with my Master every other weekend and this was for five years. We lived a fair distance apart so maintaining our relationship was harder than couples that live together, but it can and does work.

    In the early stages of our relationship if I felt I wasnt getting the attention I craved from him I would behave in a negative way but as you have said yourself this only results in negative attention, you would think this would be simple to work out wouldnt you?

    When you wrote about your list in one of your previous posts I could totally identify as this was something similar I was instructed to do. I had to keep a notebook and detail all (no matter how minor) my negative behaviour and would have to present it to him the weekend that he would come to me.

    I should note that the notebook was only introduced after months of my behaviour still not improving.

    As you said yourself by writing your behaviour down it forces you to think about the way you have behaved and at times I would be really angry with my Master as I felt he was being unreasonable when the reality was the complete opposite.

    I would then as I imagine you are now get myself worked up over what he would do, but still naively thinking that because he loved me it wouldnt be that bad. Im a masochist but he knows what I like and dont, what I can handle and what I cant, the first weekend that I handed the notebook over was a reality shock he came down hard on me more than he had done before. He was cruel, unmoved by my pleas for mercy and the pain at the time was agony, and throughout the weekend he treated me harshly.

    He said afterwards that even though he is a sadist it actually brought him little pleasure but he did what was necessary to change my negative behaviour.

    It taught me some valuable lessons (although it took me while to see this), that being his slave wasnt something I could choose to be when it suited me, he doesnt expect perfection nor indeed does he expect me to like everything but he does expect absolute respect and honesty at all times.

    You are further along than what I was after a year, you can recognise and admit your faults, you realise the need for them to be corrected but more importantly you want them to be that takes a lot to admit to.

    I would also point out that keeping the notebook worked for us and after that first weekend of using it, and the consequences that occurred, my behaviour did change, the entries became less and less. Also being made to discuss each entry before I was punished was helpful because unless you understand and accept that you deserve it then it is pointless.

    It does get easier and believe me or not there will come a time when it will just all click into place.

    with respect to you and your Master

    slave m

  2. hello

    Thankyou for your comments, i have been brooding over parts of it that touched a nerve, in particular where you said

    "but still naively thinking that because he loved me it wouldnt be that bad"

    i admit that these similar thoughts cross my mind even now and that there is a part of me that believes i can talk him round if i need to.

    (oh i have dug a hole so deep for myself, im not even sure i want to come out of it)

    best wishes