wet does not equal enjoyment

oops havent posted as regularly as i intended, what can i say its nearly xmas and i have been busy and pre-occupied.



well it appears my suspicions are correct (ref. last post) havent heard from her since, she has just dropped contact without no explanation but im not fazed by this its a regular occurence.



What prompted me to write today is after talking to Him earlier it came up how He assumes im excited but scared at the same time about my up and coming whipping.......hmm no im not bloody excited in any way of the prospect just fucking terrified. On one of my previous posts a comment was made about how being a masochist and therefore liking pain why do i not like the whip...reasonable point, i enjoy most aspects of pain and the whip will arouse me, my body just seems to respond in this way i dont have any control over that reaction and therefore i suppose the obvious conclusion is if im wet i must be enjoying it...wrong. It winds me right up when He asks if im wet when obviously i am i get wet watching the Saw triology this does not mean i want to be tortured to death.

I dont really know why i get aroused so easily when im not enjoying something and i dont think its because im subconciously enjoying it either, the last whipping He gave me hurt a lot i didnt like it at all and that wasnt given as a punishment so naturally in dreading the next one that is as punishment. However i do get off on being made to do something i dont like so this could be a factor of why i get so aroused like when i had to go down on a women, no i didnt like it but i got off on having to do it, not sure if that makes sense but i know what i mean.

So bottom line is just because im fucking wet does not prove anything, i respond almost immediatley when we are talking and it could be about anything in general so being as He is fond of His scientific experiments ........ explain that then Sir?

suspicious minds

Have chatted to a slave on im, i wrote to her on ic at His request as her profile intrigued me well the scenario in the profile interested me. Im more sceptical and suspicious than i used to be and im not sure of what to make of her at the moment, taking what she has said into consideration (if indeed its the truth) i have a few nagging doubts, her husband is also a dominant who has his own sub, she does not sub to him but he knows that she has a Master, which i guess is possible just seems odd would like to know why they are not a M/s couple. Her Master im assuming is also married, again nothing unusual but i assume this as they only meet in hotels once a month for one night.

Her profile states that if anyone expresses a wish to use her then they should send her a memo and then her Master would decide, hmm i would have thought that any direct requests would go through him and that his email address would be shown or at least have his own profile, but i guess this can be explained just seems a strange set up considering she said she is not allowed to communicate with other dominants without his permission. I received an offline message from her saying that her Master had sent me email although have received no such mail and have since told her that any commuication with him should go through my Master and gave her His email address, and as far as i know He hasnt had any contact.

I wish i wasnt so distrusting but after the last couple im scared i dont want to run any risks of not knowing what im getting involved in so its going to take a lot to gain my trust, i was talkative and friendly but held back from saying too much. She was very curious about the experiences i have had particulary with other couples and wanted details and i became suspicious that it was for wank fodder so i didnt elaborate too much. I certainly want to talk to her some more and form more of an opinion she seemed pleasant enough and i liked her but then i have liked others before and been manipulated so i reserve judgment at the moment.

im in the shit again (not literally yet)

Well um it didnt go quite as i thought it would, i knew He would punish me and i was expecting the butt plug which is bad enough but what i didnt anticipate was He would make me wait until January when we are together and i will get 30 lashes with the whip. I didnt see that coming at all and i was a bit dumbstruck which is unsual for me but was probably for the best because i think if i had said what was on my mind i would have made things a lot worse as it is i dont think i deserve fucking 30 lashes thats a bloody lot and if there like the ones i had last time well i know whats coming and it aint nice.

Im not dwelling on it too much at the moment as i have a lot going on at home and work but get xmas out the way and i will probably start working myself up about it, where i do find it difficult is trying not to argue, my tone of voice starts becoming aggressive and i know i do it and its really hard to stop myself, im trying to accept it gracefully as i know i should but i have never been one for being tactful or keeping my mouth shut when im itching to say exactly whats on my mind. What infuriates me is that when i know i have done wrong He has this bloody knack of making me feel like a child being scolded, i cant get my words out, i mumble, and i get tearful i think this is because i know i have disappointed Him and thats enough to make me feel really bad. And then afterwards i act like a bloody teenage calling Him everything under the sun (not directly to Him) it doesnt necessarily make me feel any better it just eases the frustration of the way He makes me feel when im in the wrong. Bastard.

Anyway i miss Him, its the weekend and we cant talk, im feeling horny and i darent ask to masturbate considering this is why im being punished in the first place, not asking but doing it before waiting for permission, as well as not doing my daily task. I was worried that He might ban me completely (masturbating that is) that would be hard, really hard i could do it but i wouldnt like it at all and weighing this up against the whip i think i would be tempted to go with the whip only because at the moment i havent got to think about it, although i just cant believe He is going to make me wait all this time, thats fucking cruel.

one bruise left! (no does not mean i need to be hit harder)

I swear to god He has a selective memory when it suits Him, i cant believe now He has all of a sudden remembered my masturbating without permission from a few weeks ago, although i still dispute that i shouldnt be punished (ref previous blog entry), ok yesterday i was in the wrong although i didnt think so at the time.

Actually im feeling quite ashamed of myself i knew when i watched the bdsm video clips that i would get aroused and would want to cum and i did ask permission but didnt wait for His reply i went ahead and done it anyway, i was confident that He would give permission so i felt justified in my actions. On reflection i have to be honest and admit that i knew i shouldnt have done so and worse i think what subconciously made me do it is i wanted His attention the only flaw with this is yes i will have His attention but not in a positive light. Now im getting myself worked up over the liklihood of Him making me use the butt plug although it could be worse but heck im not stating how im not that stupid.

On a change of note i have one bruise left on my left tit, quite a nice one too its the one where He put the needle in that drew a lot of blood, i would like to try more next time needles that is although preferbly not thicker ones yet. Its the thought of them going through my nipples thats making me squirm although strangely enough im keen to get them pierced which is odd considering i really cant stand the idea of needles through them.

a plan!!!!

It has occurred to me in the last few days as i have been looking back over the weekend that i need to find a strategy to avoid threats of something i dislike, ie the whip and the butt plug. Sometimes i hesitate when told to do something or i try to avoid it altogether and all He has to do is mention either the whip or the plug and i immediatley comply, now i know i should anyway without having to be threatened but its not easy and i do think i am getting a little better. However i do find it frustrating that i have these 2 things hanging over my head because i dislike them so much so i figure the only way of preventing this is to get used to them.

The butt plug shouldnt be too difficult i figure if i start using it everyday and gradually increasing the pumps over a period of time i should naturally get used to it so it wouldnt be so bad when He does make me have it in and therefore cannot be used as a threat or a punishment. I briefly put this to Him and He was ok with it as it works in His favour as well because i know He wants me to be able to have larger plugs at a later date anyway.

Hmm the whip is a problem as obviously im not able to build up a resistance to it due to the fact of the length of time between seeing one another so im not sure as yet how to eliminate this as a problem but im working on it. I hate the fact that He loves knowing i hate it.

saturday night

We went back to the same pub again for dinner and decided to have a few drinks and i was a little tiddly not pissed though and the same goes for Him. I found it very amusing that on the way back to the chalet He said that there was no chance of me getting any more pain this evening and i was determined that i was. There was some beer in the fridge so we sat and had a bottle each and chilled for a bit before retiring to bed and He was still muttering about not giving me any pain so i figured all He needed was a gentle push so i called Him a twat, and well with the belt stragically placed on the bed how could He resist not to beat me with it. I was very giggly i tend to be when i have had a few to drink and i was pleased with myself that i had got what i wanted and its easier to handle the pain more when slightly intoxicated. I asked for the cane and He obliged however at this point i bit off more than i can chew i really believed in my tipsy state that i would be able to manipulate Him into stopping when i wanted Him too....no after several strokes i was begging Him to stop and He made me take 10 more and fuck those hurt, i think if i recall correctly i laughed on the last one so He added one more and that one really hurt.

Lying back in bed, He started slapping my face and its something initially i havent wanted to do its been a big no-no mainly because i was worried about leaving any visible marks, but i loved it and as he was slapping me i was masturbating. At one point He put His hand over my mouth and nose effectively stopping me from breathing and its something we havent done before or even talked about but i think He knows me well enough now to know i would like it and i did and i actually orgasmed as He was doing it at intervals.

I started sucking His cock and being in my tiddly state i was adamant i was doing it how i wanted to do it basically fast which He doesnt like and i told Him so and promptly got threatened with the butt plug so that altered things and i complied begrudgingly. He went to the toilet and was muttering something about the whip and i said something like "go on then whatever" thankfully He didnt hear or chose not to take any notice, overall i was not a very obedient slave and i put this down to alcohol induced topping from the bottom, because there is no way i would have spoken to Him or behaved so brazenley defiant otherwise, im not stupid if i was sober and said or behaved this way well i like having skin too much put it that way.

On waking up my first intial thoughts were "oh fuck what did i say to Him" i was mentally going over how i behaved and i was mortified and my ass was throbbing and i was dreading if He was going to beat me more and i hesitantly asked Him if He was going to punish me, thankfully He wasnt because i was tiddly and therefore not behaving as i would normally. Although i enjoyed drinking with Him i think i have to be aware that this makes me push and provoke Him and therefore i have to accept that i may have to be careful of the consequences this may bring because i think i was treading on thin ice at times.

i love You very much Sir, thankyou for a great weekend

saturday

Blog is back to how it was originally and i prefer it to be open to all not that it makes much of a difference except i can write without directing it as though i was talking to You alone, which i have been for the last few weeks.

Anyway Saturday morning, i love the Saturday mornings because i like waking up next to Him knowing that we have the whole day and night in front of us, and its nice being able to cuddle up and i get to molest His body thats always a bonus. I love licking His ass and playing with His balls and cock simultaneously, well i pretty much enjoy serving and pleasing Him anyway really when it comes to His sexual needs, and i dont mind if i dont get relief myself but of course His needs come before mine anyway.

Eventually got out of bed, hunger usually does it and we went to a village to track down somewhere to get breakfast although turned out to be lunch as time was getting on, the place was full of old people not that i mind old people and i did find it amusing a bit like elephants that gather at one place to die. In the car was a selection of rods for birching and i cant say i was looking forward to it very much at all, my ass was still sore and i knew it would hurt a lot so i was avoiding the subject of birching altogether.


On arriving back to the chalet, had a coffee relaxed for a while although i was on tenderhooks because i knew He had plans but i didnt know what. He blindfolded me and attached clamps, i hate being blindfolded it makes me feel queasy as i cant see what is happening but most of all i really hate not being able to see Him, when i can see Him even if He is doing something i dont like ie. as with the whipping i still feel reassurred because i can see Him silly but its the only way i can explain how i feel. As soon as He positioned me onto a chair and then i heard Him pull up another chair opposite i knew He was going to use the needles and i was scared, there still very new to me i was more sensitive and plus i was aware He might go deeper this time. They hurt a little, its not extremely painful at all its more of an intake of breath as they first penetrate into the skin, thankfully much to my relief He decided against using them on my cunt lips as they was really sore, so He can be reasonable when He feels like it.

He then used the violet wand and i like that its a nice pain takes a little while to get used to it but then its great, wax next and i also enjoy this apart from when it goes on my cunt, that makes me squirm and i try to protect myself. The best part without a doubt though is when He removed the needles and lots of blood came out i love that, i find it very erotic seeing the blood drip down around my tits, the worst part however is the mess the bloody wax makes must get a sheet/or plastic to put down for next time i think, finished off with sucking His cock so all in all apart from the blindfold i enjoyed it.

friday evening

ok where was i, friday evening.......



Before we went out You told me to clear up the contents of all the kit that was strewn all over the floor, which i attempted to object to as i felt it was Your mess that You made not mine, but You threatened me with the butt plug and well thats a definite motivator to get something done. I didnt tidy up to Your satisfaction and to be honest i didnt make an effort to put it away neatly in protest of having to do it in the first place which backfired on me when You used the whip on my tits for not doing it properley, bloody hell not much gets past You does it?



We went to the local pub for some food, nice place and nice people, my ass was really sore from the beating definitley felt it sitting down enough to make me wince but i like that in a way its a reasurring reminder of my status when out and about. On getting back to the chalet we relaxed for a while, i was fretting inwardly that You was going to use the whip some more and worse the damn butt plug, actually im not sure which i hate the most i guess at least with the whip i get some marks to show from it. You asked to see the new nipple clamps and then You put them on the side but i knew it was only a matter of time before they was used and sure enough before long i was on my knees in front of You having them put on. They hurt more than the others but once the pain of them going on subsides there ok, i sucked Your cock and i think im getting better at doing it the way You like and im coping better when Your cock is thrust down my throat, well You know how much i love having Your cock in my mouth. I think we finished off having sex, when You removed the clamps fuck me that hurts im torn between wanting them left on but knowing the longer there on the worse the pain will be eventually, and then we retired to bed.

the weekend. friday evening

Havent posted for a bit, i think its because now i know only You read it, not that this bothers me because ultimatley this blog was started to be just a tool to put down how i feel etc, but since i started it i have become very protective of my blog and i resent the fact that it has had to go private because of someone else, not that it concerns me who used to read it or not. Anyway i will try to get back to posting more regularly, so the weekend have to document this of course.

I wasnt nervous at all just really looking forward to seeing You as always and especially after the last time we met i was just glad to have all Your attention to myself for a weekend with no distractions (yes i know how very selfish of me). The chalet was very nice, roomy and of course more importantly no need to worry about noise, i was a little antsy because i knew my period was due and i dont like being unprepared so was concious of needing to check all the time and i really cant stand the idea of being watched when i go to the toilet.

I didnt get my own way this time in the respect that i didnt get to suck Your cock first, nope pain first this time and i wasnt worried as i naively thought that You wouldnt be too hard initially well not at least until later in the evening but You soon fucking burst that bubble. I know You used some kitchen implements on me (reminder to self not to make suggestions) and one in particular was fucking vicious i think if i recall correctly it was the fish slice that damn thing really hurt a lot, i liked the new cane once i got used to it so its still my favourite and i think i came from the caning im sure i did. I wasnt restrained on the table at this point although i know i was squirming by the time You started using the crop (i think it was that) i was definitley out of my comfort zone at this point.

Well then it was the whip, hate that fucking thing absolutley detest it and when You used it on my back that was the worst i remember dropping at Your feet begging for no more and i really thought You would give in i really didnt want anymore, but no You made me get back up over the table and this time you gagged me and restrained my arms so i couldnt move off. I was definitly scared at this point i just wanted to get away and i was pushing the table accross in an attempt to get away from the lashes not that it made a difference, i was close to tears and i think this was a combination of not just the pain but the fear of not knowing when You would stop and i was starting to panic.

And then You did stop. I cant recall the exact sequence of events my frame of mind wasnt altogether with it at this point but i think im correct in saying that You then fucked my ass, stopping to take me into the bathroom where You pissed on me and then pulling me by my hair and back onto my knees to finish fucking me, which of course i enjoyed this part a lot and it hurt more this time. I remember being humiliated when You told me to go and clean myself up as i stunk of piss, i felt completley used but yes naturally i got off on that, i enjoy being treated as such. So all in all it was a good session, i am disappointed with myself that i didnt handle the whipping as well as i wanted to, i found it really hard to cope with and im certain this may have been because i was close to coming on and my body was really sensitive all over.

ok will finish off tomorrow.

pmt ok not stroppy!!

I got bloody pmt, and im irritible and ok i was a little stroppy with You earlier but i did back down but im going to get this off my chest...it pisses me off when You ask if i would like my safeword back its like Your implying that i shouldnt be scared and it is completely goddam irrelevant if im wet as i think its been established that dont take a lot.

Of course im bloody scared in fact in some ways im terrified, i can accept being pushed harder and i know it will be out of my comfort zone but theres being pushed and being pushed over the bloody edge and that fucking scares me, and it has nothing to do with not trusting You at all, You know i do but im naturally on edge the closer the weekend gets and as such i may get a little cranky can you possibly understand that?

there i feel much better now!

an appeal for clemency!!

Spoke with Him today and tried to appeal to His better nature in regards to me masturbating the other day but He wouldnt discuss it only to say that i would be punished but He hasnt decided how yet and it didnt matter that i dont think i deserve to be punished. So i figure that i should state my case here (because i know You will read this Sir)

1. the circumstances of why i masturbated was different (ref previous post)

2. umm ok cant think of anymore at this moment

but surely You can see my point of view and im appealing for clemency because i really dont see that i intentionally disobeyed You and its all very well for You not to want to bring it up but Your not the one in the hot seat so to speak.

there thats all im saying on the matter! but just in case You are determined to punish me please, please not the butt plug...ok now im finished

unsure of my predicment

Im really trying to be level headed as i write this and keep in mind the expectations He has of me as His slave which is important to me and as much as is possible a large part of my everyday life. We do talk about our vanilla lives as well as obviously our own relationship and im happy with that and i do try to always keep in mind that no matter the conversation the bottom line is im His slave and therefore my attitude should reflect that.

Tonight i feel troubled and im trying to see it from His perspective as well as my own, i masturbated without His permission which i am fully aware is not permitted as His slave it is not my right to decide when i have pleasure and i dont have a problem with that, however the circumstances behind why i did is what is troubling me. I had sex with my husband which isnt a regular occurrence but when i do it has become routine that i always finish myself off so i did, im trying to keep things as normal as possible in my vanilla life so i behaved as i would normally but Master doesnt see it that way and it appears very likely i will be punished.

I feel in a predicament im trying to keep things as normal as i can at home in order not to rock the boat, but by doing so i have now displeased Him and im really at a loss as to what to say, i dont think i deserve to be punished but if He is determined i will be nothing i say or do will sway Him and im trying to think this through objectively, i didnt argue with Him or get stroppy and im not annoyed although i did feel like saying to Him "next time i will just say sorry dear but i just have to phone my Master and ask permission" but figured that would definitley get me into trouble.

I think what is making me feel worse is if anything i feel bad enough as it is that i actually feel guilty having sex with my husband because i see my body as being His.

umm sometimes i fuck up...sorry

oh bloody hell i came on here to apologise for the last post, i was sulking to be honest and ok feeling a little hard done by, i didnt like what He said and i didnt like it because it was the truth and well as they say the truth hurts so i got stroppy hence the post. Then i realise He has posted a comment on the post of last night and i wanted to get my piece in first oh well never mind what He said was right so im not going to go over it now, although He has ruined my grovelling post(and that wont happen much here)because i was/am feeling bad about what i wrote.

The thing is i know its not meant to be easy and i knew as soon as i said "go on your own then" that i had definitley gone too far and not that it makes a difference but i did feel bad and i sat on my bed and cried when He logged off because i knew i was wrong, but i didnt want to admit that i was. Im not generally a sulker but after He punished me i was feeling hurt obviously as well as still stroppy over what He said and instead of accepting that i was in the wrong in the first place i comforted myself with the idea of what a nasty sadistic bastard He is making me feel this way conveniently forgetting that i brought it on myself.

So im sorry, i behaved childishly because i wasnt getting my own way and hearing what i wanted to hear so i acted out and you deserve better than that because i know im lucky that you do listen to what i have to say, and i really feel awful that i spoke to you disrespectfully because i do respect and love you very much

confused/flustered/fucked up......take your pick

I dwell on things and over analyze issues to the point that they consume me and i cant sleep until i have reached a conclusion and put my mind at rest. Today was one of those days, vanilla issues with my bloody mother which put me in a foul mood so when i got online to talk to Him i wasnt in the right frame of mind. My son has an elasticated Homer Simpson toy that has very stretchy arms and legs that can be pulled to quite a length, i feel like that toy stretched in all directions.

Im trying to piece together what happened and why i reacted the way i did and its bugging me usually once i have been punished i can move on but i cant this time, i dont see it as being resolved and it cant be resolved because i dont want to talk about it and i dont want to talk about it because that would mean voicing my opinion something which appears is only permitted when its one He agrees with. I shouldnt have said what i did, i should have phrased it better, i know my biggest fault is mouthing off before thinking and i cant take it back so the only solution is not to express my thoughts verbally. But then the flaw with that theory is there would be a breakdown of communication something i dont want to happen especially after the shitari episode but i feel im in a no-win situation, im damned if i do and im damned if i dont.

I dont really understand why i was punished, i know i deserved to be punished but i dont know specifically why, was i punished because i voiced an opinion? because of what i said? of how i said it? because i didnt agree with something?......and i was scared of Him i would have said anything He wanted to hear rather than risk saying/doing the wrong thing, and i dont like feeling this way and i dont know what to do make it right again.

Im worried about my damn ass it wont stop bleeding and that hasnt happened before, it scared the hell out of me there was blood everywhere all over the plug, the sheets down my legs and i dont know if thats normal or not. Its better than what it was but its still spotting i went for a bath and it started flowing again, if it hasnt stopped by tomorrow lunchtime i better go doctors because its really sore a lot more than usual.

I just want this day to be over and start afresh hopefully tomorrow will be a better day it sure as hell cant be as bad as today, i feel very insecure and i want to be stronger but im scared of just fucking up again, and the worst of it is even when i do have my moments the bottom line is i would do anything He wanted if i liked it or not and He knows that. I cant help the way i feel and im confused to whether i should have feelings or not, or if i should express them..fuck it im confused altogether, i need a brandy.

umm a rant sort of

Master had me wear a butt plug to work today for being disrespectful to Him on the phone yesterday and i thought thats not too bad as the one i have is just the right size ie. small so i wasnt really that concerned about it. I put it in (plenty of lube, thats the key on ass and plug) and it was ok i wasnt even the slightest bit uncomfortable, thankfully i was outside today so no sitting down and only in for an hour and a half so it was coping fine. I will however admit that i did go to sit down and have a coffee and within minutes was getting uncomfortable so i have no doubts that i wouldnt like it if i had to sit down for a long period of time with it in. It did though start to become uncomfortable on the way home so long term i think i wouldnt like it all, and it was a relief to get home and get it out.

I was feeling quite smug (because it wasnt bothering me) when He phoned and i was on my way to work and i told Him so which in hindsight was probably not my wisest moment as now He is most likely going to get something bigger, im hoping that He wont have time before we meet up next. I was further horrified when i got home and started browsing the net to look at butt plugs because in my naivete i really couldnt/didnt want to believe that you could get really large butt plugs, it just doesnt seem right to me that something that large should go up the ass.......its just not normal, but to my horror i came accross some pretty big ones, so now my mind is in overtime thinking how on earth i can distract Him from butt plugs altogether.

Unfortunatley i obviously need to brush up on my distraction techniques as later on whilst on the phone to Him i forgot myself again and ended up with the inflatable butt plug, which in all fairness He wasnt going to make me put it in but the strangest thing is i get more upset if He doesnt punish me, this is because even though i dont want it when its done i can move on instead of dewelling on the fact that He might be still annoyed with me, it stops the guilt ( i should be a catholic). In my defence though its not easy to not get stressed when its something thats making me really nervous and im getting anxious about and in this case its the needles, specifically needles in the nipples its scaring the hell out of me so i react in a defensive way because im scared.

Sometimes not often i feel like no matter how hard i try its never enough and with the needles i really feel this way, it was a big thing for me to ask for them before and now i wish i hadnt because im dreading it and i cant go back now. Its hard not to really go off on one and im actually really impressed with myself that i havent because i feel like it, for fucks sake sometimes i wander if He will only be really happy when im a quivering nervous wreck, a pin cushion for fucks sake thats what He said well that really puts me at ease, bastard.

but yes i do love you though

to restrict or not to restrict.....speech and behaviour that is

It occurred to me today after talking with Him that i do like to try and have the last word to the point i get almost argumentative, we was talking about needles and He stated about them going in my nipples to which i protested and further so when He said about putting them in deeper next time, so it usually ends up with me getting agitated and i can tell by the tone of His voice that im going too far. Being as im quite an outspoken person i do find it a struggle at times to bite my tongue and be quiet, i can do it but on occassions my mouth gets the better of me and i have sometimes answered Him back quite sharply especially if im not overly amused at something He has said.

It does niggle me that i do this because the will is there to change the way i behave and respond, i was so determined before we met up last time that i wouldnt try to resist Him physically or verbally but i did a few times, its not easy even though i know if i do its pointless because He will do what He wants regardless and if anything i just make it worse for myself. Its like taking a beating without being restrained, being able to hold the position when sometimes all i want to do is get away but i know He will just make me get back in place. So i wandered how to go about changing the way i behave and think and its the way i think that ultimatley changes my behaviour and i was browsing the net and i found a weboard that was relevant to the dificulties i have.

Im not that interested in speech restrictions (for obvious reasons, i talk too much sometimes) or high protocol which seems most prevailant in gorean lifestyles however on reading about these in detail i can see how they can be effective when used on occassions. In regards to speech restrictions i have always found it quite amusing when reading something that is written by a sub/slave and they talk in the third person "this slave likes....." instead of "i like......" for example. i find it pointless. The slave on the web-board suggested that by removing words that refer to the ego ie. me, i, my the slave is then forced to think carefully about how she phrases and replies to her Master, and i have to be honest its not an easy feat i thought over the conversation i had with Him and blimey i can see how it dramatically would change my responses. I realised even more so that i do walk on a thin line when i talk to Him sometimes as i did yesterday i use a lot of "i dont want needles in my nipples", " i dont want the needles in deeper", "i dont like that idea", "i dont think so" and its not about what i want/like/prefer ultimatley its what He wants/likes/prefers and thats the point.


I wouldnt want this method of speech restriction enforced all the time, but as a tool to focus the mind i can see its usefulness, as it is i dont have any speech restrictions (apart from being respectful at all times, but this i would have thought was obvious) and if i did i have no doubt i would find it difficult depending on what the requirement was.


Then there's protocol, again its something that i can see the appeal of but it depends on the level it can be very restrictive, but i think the main benefit of having certain protocols enforced they form a pattern of behavior and therefore lessen the chances of unwanted and unpredictable behaviour. Where i find it appealing is it centres the mind on what i am and therefore the expectations of how i should behave, for example when we met up with Malcolm and Ali all very informal which is fine but when we went back to their home i automatically sat next to Him on the sofa, wheras if i had kneeled beside Him at His feet i would have been more grounded in my place (does that make sense?). Its a subtle way of expressing the dynamic, a reminder and the reassurance if you will of exactly who is in control, and it works when we was at ******* intially after the blindfold was removed i sat in a chair opposite the room from Him and i wasnt remotely comfortable with the situation wheras later when i went to sit next to Him on the sofa He motioned for me to kneel at His feet and i was content it instantanously focused me, and my demeanour reflected that.

pushing myself

Got a bloody cold again and in general feel a bit crappy but i think its because i have taken on too much in "vanilla" life and its getting on top of me, but nevertheless im confident it will be fine. Besides got other issues to think about, like whips for example im not really sure how i feel about them i have only limited experience with them and none at all with the single tail, see the thing is i love the marks that they leave but its the pain of getting them that is a bit distracting and im scared that i wont be able to cope with it, yet i get off on the fear....i know im wierd like that. I think pride is a problem with me i dont like being beaten (no pun intended) and feel a failure if i im not able to handle or cope with something, i dont like giving in and this is probably why im so anti-safewords and also why i like/need to be pushed.



I wouldnt say i was competitive i dont give a toss about what someone else is capable of and i try very hard not to compare myself with other subs/slaves, however i think i do have a streak in me that would impel me to endure something simply because i wouldnt want to be outdone. I first realised this when we met up with Malcolm and Alison there was a moment when Master caned me and it hurt but in an enjoyable way and afterwards Malcolm caned Alison and i had this urge to ask Him to cane me again but harder. Because whilst watching i was amused at Malcolm being so impressed and proud with his fancy cane strokes (criss-cross patterns) and i was biting my tongue because it was so tempting to say "thats nice but this a caning......", it surprised me because if put in a predicment of being caned alongside Alison if she took 20 i would want 21 and so on (no Sir im not suggesting anything).

Im discovering that as i become more confident in my abilities or what i can handle even with things im not particularly keen on i have a persistant need to push myself further and i still have a way to go but i do believe i am getting there slowly but surely.

one day i will THINK about the consequences of my actions

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getting my own way?

Whilst talking with Him today references was made about me not having everything my own way and i didnt think i did always get my own way, although i do have to on reflection admit yes of course im happy when things go the way i like or should i say im enjoying whatever He is doing to me. I do i guess in a way try (note try)to manipulate Him into doing what i like but in my defence i dont think i do it intentionally umm ok apart from when we met up last i was determined i was going to get to suck His cock before He punished me and it went the way i wanted it to well ok not exactly the way i wanted it to i was hoping to talk Him out of using the whip but figured it was best not to push my luck at the time.

I remember a few days ago Him saying that with all that has happened since the weekend we met (the negative things) He wouldnt be anymore easier on me because of what happened and it actually never occurred to me that He would anyway and i wouldnt want Him to be. Of course when He is being cruel in a way i like thats a bonus and naturally im happy but then there are times He can be cruel and sadistic in ways i hate and when He is in one of those moods i dont think anything i say or do will sway Him from what He wants so no i dont think i get my own way because if it wasnt going the way He wanted it simply wouldnt happen.

bits and pieces

Have got a date fixed to meet again with Master so im focusing on that now, its possible we may meet up with Malcolm and Alison again and im not sure really how i feel about that, i liked them and am happy to do so but because i know December is ruled out for me for meeting Him so therefore its likely to be January i want Him to myself as it will be a while until we meet up again.

The advantage to meeting them is noise isnt so much of a problem however even in the hotels i dont really worry about that as much as i think He does, my theory is we dont have to go back there again and its not like they know us so i couldnt care less. I would like to try a harder caning im curious to see how much i can handle i think when He caned me as a punishment because i had gotten it into my head that it was going to be really bad when i was actually caned it wasnt that awful in fact it was umm quite nice (probably will come to regret this admittance). Its certainly still my favourite implement and i want to try all the possible different types of canes there are available, i have my eye on a fibre glass one that is meant to be very painful even when used lightly and well i like to put these theories to the test.

I would like to alter our profiles and update it and i would definitley like the comment "she particularly enjoys anal play" removed, i dont enjoy it, i hate it, i dont like having things up my ass apart from His cock. I have asked to have it removed but He wont allow it, i should just have removed it myself as i dont think He actually looks at our profile but i cant now because He knows i want it removed. The strange thing is i thought i would like anal play (as i do enjoy anal sex a lot) but i dont at all in fact i would be very happy if i never had anything up my ass again, and as for the inflatable butt plug it is just so tempting to put lots of pinpricks in it but i dont think He would see the funny side if i did and believe me i have really thought about it and weighed up the consequences of doing so.

safeword

Im away tomorrow until Monday and will be difficult to stay in contact with Master but then weekends are usually harder, i miss Him the most when im not able to communicate when i feel i need to or want to.

This blog is now private which in a way makes it easier to talk about things which i wouldnt feel comfortable mentioning in a public domain, even if i dont know who is reading it, at least i cant offend anyone now.

After everything that has happened since the weekend so much has been centered on the negative aspects and the subsequent problems and to top it off today i upset Him that im determined to draw a line under it all, i want to focus on the positive aspects of the weekend and after this blog i have no intention of mentioning the it again its over, i wont let it consume me.

The issue of having a safeword came up between myself and Master today, i dont have one im not sure what prompted Him to bring it up i wander if it was the email that ****** sent Him. At no point do i think i have ever felt that i needed to use one (if i did have one) when on our own, im confident in His abilities, i think what disturbed me in the email was the fact that it was implied by not having one i would appear to have more control as i could choose to overact to get an activity to stop (this is the way i interpreted it).

I have thought about this quite a bit, and the conclusion i have come to is that IF i was to have a safeword reinstated i cant see any benefits in what way would it enhance our relationship as far as i can see it wouldnt. Wheras by not having one im not holding anything back from Him i dont need to worry about how far He will go because its out of my hands its His choice to determine and with that decision comes great responsibility, i dont want the responsiblity of deciding how much pain i can take i trust Him to handle it and thats what it comes down to trust.

A prime example that confirmed to me that i wouldnt want one is on the Saturday night on getting back to the hotel, He flogged me hard it hurt a lot and then used the belt and as said before i really struggle to cope with the belt and sure enough after a few strokes i was begging Him to stop and He did, yes i wanted it to stop of course i did it was bloody hurting however if He had insisted on making me take more i would and could have done so, He chose not to and that was His choice not mine and isnt that how its supposed to be?

reflections

Looking back over the weekend i can honestly say that as a whole i enjoyed it, even with the problems on Saturday night i can draw from it some lessons and it was a learning curve albeit not the most positive one. Saturday night certainly highlighted areas in which we need to address and have done so and also areas in which i need to learn from and handle differentley.

I think the hardest lesson for me was accepting that i am going to have to serve other Doms whether this be sexual or indeed to use me in any manner Master allows them to, i found it hard having to obey someone else and i think it will take time to get used to it when the situation arises again.

If i could go back there are only 2 things i would have handled differently:

i would have asked to speak with Master alone after i got stressed out after the caning because if i had done i could have addressed the concerns i had and then He would of been in a better position to decide what to do and more importantly to reassure me of the concerns i had at the time, i think this would of then made a slight difference to the outcome

i would have rode the pony, i wanted to but i didnt want to give ****** that pleasure when i should have focused more on what would please Master because i knew deep down that He would have liked me to so in a way i behaved selfishly (sorry Sir)

What we later discovered about ****** and his behaviour has really unsettled me, for a while and maybe still even now he has made me doubt myself and i hate him for getting inside my head when i was confident in my abilities. Im sensitive to how im perceived by others and defensive over my status as His slave and when in conversation with ***** and ****** they implied that my behaviour and subsequent reactions are not how a slave should behave.

If anything this whole fucking mess has brought us closer, i admit the whole situation has affected me but not to the point that it has given me doubts about us but its going to be a while before i get over it completley, it has made me have reservations about meeting other couples but this i feel i will get over as i had no problems with the couple on Friday night and would gladly meet with them again.

saturday night and needles

On the way back to the hotel we stopped off at a pub for dinner and we was both very aroused and He told me that on getting back to the hotel later He was going to hurt me some more and harder i wanted this and in a strange way i needed it. Master asked me to change into basque and knicker set that i had bought whilst He collected the kit from the car, i was not as nervous as i thought i would be as i knew that He was going to use the needles and i was actually keen to try them, mostly i think because i know how much He enjoys them and i did feel that i had maybe let Him down a little earlier and wanted to make it up to Him.

He bent me over the chair and told me that He was going to flog me very hard and He did straight from the offset and it hurt and i was gripping on to the chair i wanted to endure as much as i could, was getting more harder to bear when He aimed between my legs. It was ok until He started using the belt for some reason i really have trouble with the belt i just cant seem to handle it very well and it wasnt long before i was squirming and begging Him to stop. Of course as usual i was wet and well time for the needles, He sat me on a chair with Him sitting opposite i was blindfolded i didnt think i could handle watching them go in and at this point i was nervous and my hands were behind my back gripping onto the chair. The first needle as it went in was not what i expected much like a pinch on the skin and i was comfortable with it, the second a little more intense and i was apprehensive, He put 2 in each breasts above the nipple and then removed the blindfold. What struck me was it felt like they had gone in underneath the nipple but hadnt, they didnt really do much for me seeing them but when He removed them and there was a little blood that i found arousing a great deal.

I was pleased with myself it was something that i had always said was a no-no and the only reason i didnt have needles as a hard limit was because i knew that He really liked them and i wanted maybe oneday to be ready to try them i just didnt expect it to be this soon and to like it as much as i did. Needless to say with us both horny we retired to bed for a deliciously naughty session and im not going to go into details somethings are best left unsaid (and im lost in yummy memories) god why is He never contactable when i need to cum like now.

the surprise!!! not a good one

We lazed in bed for a while well not just lazing, i knew Master had something planned and he wouldnt tell me anything and i was getting frustrated as im not really a fan of surprises.   I had lots of different ideas running through my head and noted what bits and pieces he was taking with him, when i realised he was taking a damn lot, i became suspicious as i thought that meant it had to be somewhere really private ie. indoors so i deduced that it was likely someones home.

We stopped off for breakfast and after getting back in the car thats when curiosity started to get the better of me and i began asking questions, he was relatively patient at first and then i think i must have started to annoy him because he said if i asked anymore i would get 10 lashes of the whip so that shut me up well for a while. i realised that as it was a relatively long journey i concluded that we must be going to someone and i became sure that it was to ******'s place and i made the mistake of asking a question to try and confirm my suspicions and all i got in reply was the promise of the whip later..shit!! when will i learn to shut my mouth.

However my suspicions was confirmed when Master blindfolded me after a while, i admit i was nervous and slightly pissed off, i had just had my first time playing with a couple the night before, and he was putting me through it again! so when the car parked up and i was led into the house i wasnt in the best frame of minds to begin with. I hate surprises....even if there good ones, i dont like it.





I did find it amusing at the pretence of inventing an imaginary dom when i knew it was going to be ***** and when i was put on to my knees between her legs i knew what was expected so no surprises there. I recall ****** asking me if i knew where i was and i just said "hello *****", when the blindfolded was removed i sat down and i was aware of how nervous i really was and quite uneasy i didnt know what was expected of me and i wasnt prepared for the situation.

We chatted for a while and then i was led into the bedroom and secured standing in a legs and arms spread position, not quite suspended as feet were on a plank of wood, at this point i had calmed a little so wasnt scared, nervous yes. Master and ****** started lightly hitting me with canes and it wasnt very painful and at first i was enjoying it, i cant exactly pinpoint when it started going wrong but i just got this intense need to be left alone and for it to stop and i remember swearing at Master and begging him to stop.

I wasnt just scared i was terrified and panicking, Master called a halt to it, he was trying to calm me down but i just wanted out and away from all of them, but most of all at that point i didnt feel safe.

We then all went back into the lounge and i was on the sofa cuddled up to Master and i was so tired mentally as well as physically i remember clinging onto him because i was still scared and i didnt want to be put through any more with anyone else, i havent ever felt as vunerable as i did at that moment.

Master and ****** talked for a while and i was struggling to stay awake i cant recall exact sequence of events but i recall Master instructing me onto my hands and knees for a flogging and that was really great and i  did get an orgasm from it and i was beginning to relax. Then i was put between *****'s legs again whilst being flogged and it actually made it more bearable and i was asking for more and harder and came twice, i found the pain reassuring and therefore i was more at ease. ****** asked me if i really wanted to ride the pony and i looked to Master for an instruction on whether he wanted me to or not, i didnt want to but if he had wanted me to then i would have obviously but he said it was up to me so i declined....besides rode the wooden pony the previous night.

At one point i was lying on the floor i think it was not long after the flogging and ****** challenging me if i could stay quiet until spoken to which i didnt think would be a problem, Master left the room and i was doing fine until i heard the whip which he obviously had gone to get and i swore before i even saw it (god the sound of it is enough to get a reaction) and when he came into the room with it i instinctively started protesting and moving away.

He tricked me and i walked right into it. ***** (bitch) was instructed to beat me with the cane and i wasnt exactly thrilled at this prospect although i suspect she was, i felt very concious of the fact it was 3 on 1 and i felt like i was being bullied with no way of defending myself together.

I didnt like that her dom was dictating the caning, he said to her "harder" after each stroke, and it was too much, i couldnt handle it, and i safe worded, and i was mad, so angry that instead of recognising that me safe wording was a cry for help, Master had me take a few more, i resent him for that...i was being pushed too much, too fast.

A little while later Master used the whip on me lightly and it was nice, very nice and i started to see it in a different light and realised it can be very enjoyable and not just an implement of nasty pain.

All in all i learnt a lot from the whole experience i think we both did in different ways,  Master and i talked obviously about how it went and he apologised as in hindsight i wasnt ready, it was as i said just too much for me all to handle in a short time, although this is something that we can learn from

friday mmm

Well the weekend is over, in fact have not long got home and am still on a high, tired, sore and with a well bruised ass and marked breasts so definitley a great weekend in that respect. A lot to get my head round and i want to document the weekend here because it was a weekend of firsts for me and i want to look back and reflect on it as some of it in hindsight i wish i had handled or coped with differently.


I certainly am going to ask to be picked up from the station in future if we go to Bristol again, i really was not confident there, it was a big city and i felt out of place although i did manage to find Ann Summers and Boots and then i just found a spot to sit in and wait until He arrived because i just wanted to get away from there as quickly as possible. I wasnt nervous at all just really looking forward to seeing Him although yes it was in the back of my mind that i had the punishment coming but aside from that i just wanted to get to the hotel and do lots of deliciously naughty things.


The hotel was lovely and had a funny moment when we was given wrong key and walked into someone elses room who thankfully were not in the room at the time, i admit i was anxious to get into our room i just wanted to get to His cock and i think i can say the feeling was mutual, not because i wanted to avoid the punishment i knew i had to face it but well it wouldnt hurt to delay it a little while. I dont see it that i got my own way because it was just delaying the inevitable and He did whack me with the crop whilst i was sucking His cock yep i was a very happy slave at that point. I cant seem to recall the exact sequence of events i think we had a cup of tea and was lying on the bed talking and i remember Him saying it was time for the punishment and then i was nervous, the caning hurt but ooh god not sure if its wise to admit but not as bad as i expected.



The whip on the otherhand i bloody hate it (athough it can i found out later be very nice when used lightly) i was made to kneel and i knew it was going to be painful and in a way i didnt like, so it is definitley effective as i really didnt enjoy any aspect of it at all, i remember trying to get away but He yanked my hair back to keep me in position and the threat of more kept me in place. I went to go for a shower afterwards and Master entered and i knew He was going to piss on me and i would be expected to drink some, i love being peed on i enjoy the humiliation of it but i struggle with drinking but i did make the effort to take His cock into my mouth and drink some not a lot and that was a big step for me because i really dont like it. After the shower i was starting to get a little anxious as we was setting off to meet the couple and i was really on edge even though He had assurred me i would be fine i just wasnt excited at the prospect at all.



We found the pub and we had got there first and i was just on edge waiting for them to arrive and He spotted them first and they was instantly friendly and genuine, i think i had got myself so worked up i didnt anticipate them being so well ordinary. I immediatley felt at ease which definitley helped and i genuinley enjoyed their company as we talked over dinner, and we talked about a range of subjects before getting to the nitty gritty as i call it and i wasnt in the least bit nervous at that point. I did smile to myself when Malcolm said would we like to go back to their place for coffee it just made me think how going back for coffee is a common analogy for sex well not just sex in this case, and i was further amused when Master said yes and then asked me if i would like to i wandered what His reaction would have been if i had said no although i knew that wasnt an option at all.



Hmm now the first thing i noticed was the spanking/whipping bench and the implements laid out on a table and i was still feeling calm although naturally nervous expecially when He told me to remove my clothes and proceeded to attach wrist and ankle restraints, i was hoping that i would get some pain before going any further and yes i admit i wanted to get over the bench so was thrilled when He positioned me over it. He then started to flog me all over and i loved it apparentley too much as He started making it harder and i still loved it and managed to orgasm on the pain alone i didnt want it to stop, and whilst i was being flogged Alison was riding the pony which i could see from the position was in and could hear her cries/screams of pain/pleasure and that aroused me as well.

I cant seem to place the exact sequence of events i know Master removed me from the bench and Malcolm asked me to feel how wet Alison was whilst she was on the pony and i just thought "oh god here we go" and she was wet and i remember thinking i just wanted to get my hand away and after a bit moved until Master told me to lick her breasts and i really didnt want to at this point i was on edge but i did it well its not like i had a choice in the matter, and it was ok i could handle that i was just thinking of what i was going to have to do later.

I then got my turn on the pony and intially i liked it even when the wood pressed into my pussy i found it stimulating it was just the balancing i found difficult and trying to maintain a steady movement but overall i liked it, whilst i was on it Malcolm i think started teasing me and i was desperate to climax and i could hear Master flogging Alison and the more she was moaning the more i wanted to cum. I cant remember how long i was on it for but i recall eventually begging to be let off and at first was refused although i did get the orgasm i needed and then was allowed off. Ahh then Alison came over whilst i was sitting on bench and i was still blindfolded but i admit i enjoyed her attention having her lick and caress my nipples i was a little apprehensive when she started to move down to my pussy but by then i was away with the fairies so any nerves had gone and i really enjoyed it and climaxed very quickly.

The violet wand next and i really enjoyed that it was very stimulating although i imagine could be very painful if on high definitley something i want to explore more of, anyway then the time arrived Master had me kneel between Alisons legs and i was not looking forward to this one bit, i didnt like it and avoided sticking my tongue into her pussy instead focused on licking her clit i just wanted her to cum as quickly as possible to get it over and done with, yes i was wet but then thats not unusual given the situation i was in, i was on a high from the whole experience. When she did cum ooh i just dont like the taste i avoided having to lick her clean and moved away as soon as i thought i could feasibly get away with it. I was then caned for coming without permission and Master used one of Malcolms canes which was umm very nice and i found myself laughing something i havent done before as i remember now as i write that i laughed during the flogging earlier the more it hurt the more i laughed i was just revelling in the pain and surprised myself how much i enjoyed being beaten by Him in front of others something i was unsure of the prospect of before.

Afterwards i climbed up onto the sofa to cuddle with Master and He was aroused and Alison came accross and started to rub His cock and well i knew that the same was expected of me with Malcolm so i moved accross to Him and proceeded to suck His cock. He moved me onto the floor so we was in effect in a 69 position, what was notable was that i had dried up and was not in the least aroused something of a first for me but no disrespect towards Malcolm but he just didnt do anything for me sexually at all. However what did surprise me was i was getting aroused through listening to Master and Alison as i wasnt sure at all before how i would feel about Him being with another women but it turned me on and i would have preferred to have been able to watch them and as i was listening i proceeded to masturbate and bring myself off whilst attending to Malcolm which i admit was somewhat of a chore, it was a relief when he did cum because i wasnt enjoying it.

So all in all it was a very enjoyable experience and i cant really pinpoint what i enjoyed the most in fact would be easier to say what i didnt which was going down on Alison (uch just dont like the taste) however i concede and admit that i would have rather had to do that again than suck Malcolm. It made me realise a lot about myself that i was unsure of and i would say that most notably was the fact that i really got off on Master hurting another women and watching Him sexually with another women, it appealed to the voyeurer in me something i didnt realise was there in the first place.

well thats it for now so much to put down and i want to write it down whilst its all fresh in my mind but it was definitley a packed weekend.

not long now

Sometimes it feels like i take 5 steps forward and 2 steps back, i havent been as attentative as i should have been whilst He has been away, some instructions i was given i havent given my full attention, i dont have any excuses albeit in the first week i was unwell but aside from that i should have focused on what was expected of me. I have found these last 2 weeks very difficult and have missed Him very much and He has been on my mind a lot so its not that i have put Him to the back of my mind. It has been difficult not being able to have the frequent contact that we usually have and i didnt want to taint His break away by informing Him too early that i have disobeyed Him and failed to do as instructed it didnt seem too bad a week ago but now the time is getting closer (He is home tomorrow night) its forefront in my mind.

When i received His text saying "I shall consider how to deal with your disobedience later" i knew that i had disappointed Him and its horrible how just that one sentence can make me feel sick not because of what He will do but because i have let Him down.

On a positive note though i will just be relieved to have Him home and back to regular contact and a week today we will be together even though i have a feeling im going to be firmly put back in my place which probably means a lot of discomfort. But i know i need it and want it especially as its been a while so as much as im aware some aspects are not going to be nice at all im not as anxious or as nervous as i was, well at the moment im not although i have no doubt i will be once He gets me inside the room i wander if i can distract Him with a nice cup off tea first i mean its a british thing isnt it? a good cup of tea makes everything ok..........hmm its worth a try

im so glad Your home Sir
i love You very much xxxxxx

being told no!!

I sent Master a text asking to be excused from my task today as im sore and yesterday i found it uncomfortable and was throbbing in a not nice way for a fair part of the evening afterwards, i really expected Him to say yes so when i got the text back saying no i was to complete task as instructed it came as a shock to be honest. What further surprised me was that i wasnt at all annoyed or pissed off at Him wheras a month ago i would have been and probably would have sent a text back either trying again and begging to be let off or being stroppy which would in both cases meant i would most likely end up being punished. It's a big turning point for me i realise because of the fact i didnt attempt to re-negotiate as i would have done before, and because i didnt feel any resentment at all because sometimes i do struggle with being told no.


Maybe i should not have asked in the first place but i am learning its how i phrase my responses, requests or questions that make the difference as i do have a tendency sometimes especially when given an instruction to do something im not keen to reply with "do i have to" and saying that quite recently earnt me an extra 2 cane strokes. My problem which i am learning to change is thinking before i speak so instead of saying "do i have to" in a sulky manner (not very slave-like) a more appropriate response maybe "yes Sir but i am having some difficulties with this because........" now of course this is not always appropriate and depends on the situation. Of course even if i was to ask anything in a respectful manner it does not necessarily mean i will get the response from Him i would prefer and nor should i expect to be given an explanation and the difficulty i think is knowing when its appropriate to make requests etc and when its not.

If i was to have sent Him a text saying i didnt want to do task because i "dont feel like it" i think its fair to say that this is not appropriate, as a slave its irrelevant whether i feel like something or not, He isnt unreasonable as i was unwell last week He made allowances that i wasnt up to doing the task. However im well now yes im sore and would have preferred not to have had to do task, i made a request and was refused and i dont see that as unreasonable, although i was hoping to take advantage of the fact that as He is away and we are both missing one another He might of relented. But on the other hand it was reassuring that He didnt give in to me because it gave me the security of knowing that even because of the circumstances He still maintains the level of control i need and that i cant twist Him round my little finger, in effect reminding me of my place because sometimes i need to be especialy when contact is minimal.

So i am proud of myself it maybe only trivial but because i know what i have been like previously, to accept His decision gracefully is a big deal to me and i just hope i can keep it up.

the right to keep thoughts to myself?

Well have just finished reading the first four books by John Norman about Gor, well what a pile of crap im just thankfully i got them very cheap off ebay but at least now i know for myself i have wanted to read them for a long time and at least can say i have, albeit only the first four and that was painful enough. I recently have re-read the Story of O after having first read it years ago and i still am not that impressed with it and even bought the film which if it wasnt for the fact that i dislike giving up on things wouldnt have got further than the first half hour. Master gave me some bdsm footage on a computer disc to watch and i really enjoyed those mostly because it was real, some of it made me squirm and make a note to myself not to mention those parts to Him as my first thoughts were "fuck i hope He doesnt do that to me" but even on those moments i still found it arousing but then it doesnt take much to get me aroused.

Now i have realised that when He reads this He is most likely going to ask what these bits was, now i could lie and say it was something different but i really find it difficult to deceive Him not that im implying it is something i do often, but yes i have been known to try and pull the wool over His eyes temporarily on a few occassions. Last time we was together i was gobsmacked that He caught me out, i had promised not to smoke whilst we was together and we was at a pub having dinner and a few drinks and i really was craving a cigarette, so i told Him i was going to the toilet when actually i went out to the front of the pub to have a sneaky cigarette. When i came back out to the beer garden He asked me if i have had a nice pee or something to that effect and i just knew he knew. I felt like a kid who has been caught with their hand in the cookie jar and i thought well no point in digging myself deeper in the shit so admitted that i had been outside for a cigarette and He said He knew i had, i think as well though if i have done something i know i shouldnt have i do have a guilty look so that would have given me away anyway, i would have told Him and my theory was to wait until later when He had had a few more to drink.

I know i shouldnt decieve Him in anyway regardless of how trivial it is such as with the cigarette and im lucky that He didnt pursue the issue and punish me although i think it went in my favour that He genuinly did forget and as i had had a few to drink as well i forgot myself. Also at this time we was together that evening after He had fallen asleep i awoke in the early hours and was aroused, He was asleep and i masturbated without His permission i didnt tell Him until after i was home and rightly so He punished me for this. I am not proud of myself and as i write this i feel ashamed of my behaviour but at that time in my defence i didnt want to tell Him in the morning because i knew that it would mean punishment and as it was our last morning i didnt want to end the weekend on a negative note and this was my was of justifying my actions to myself. However now as time has gone on i know that if this situation was to happen again (although i highly doubt it would) i would tell Him as soon as was possible (not when He is asleep) so i am improving on how i think and how i act, still have a way to go but bit by bit im getting there.

The point im trying to make is albeit not very sucessfully is as much as i may not want to tell Him something for whatever reason, even if its something He is unaware of it is His right to know if it pertains to us or my development as His slave. So in this respect no i dont have the right to keep thoughts to myself.

so where does sex fit in?

I thought i would find this relatively easy to talk about because i am very comfortable discussing sex, it isnt something i consider the most important aspect of our relationship and i dont connect sex with intimacy it is a physical act the same as being whipped or caned is a physical act. It certainly isnt the most important aspect of our relationship although it features heavily especially as nearly always any sexual activity occurs during or after any s&m play which is an important aspect of our relationship. Where i am finding the subject difficult is im undecided whether or not i need any sexual activity myself during s&m, im inclined to say no because i can get the sexual "buzz" i crave from an activity i enjoy, for example being caned in a way i like satisfies my need for relief and i have at times come close to having an orgasm on pain alone so it wont surprise me when i actually do and i certainly find it easier and more intense to orgasm when pain is involved.

Naturally i enjoy having orgasms and am fortunate that very rarely am i denied if i should ask permission to cum, however this is usually when i am being physically stimulated to the point of orgasm anyway whether it be by Him or by me masturbating, without this direct stimulation though i dont have a need to orgasm to feel sexually satisfied. Another way of putting it is i am just as happily satisified by giving Him sexual pleasure whether this be by sucking His cock or being fucked in the ass or whatever else He may desire. But then i have considered what if He chose for whatever reason no sexual activity at all during or after any s&m play, how would i feel? i dont honestly know it would depend on the circumstances although as i said earlier because generally i get a sexual "buzz" from pain anyway i dont think i would be disappointed, and i cant speak for Him so am unsure of whether or not it has same effect on Him albeit in a different context being as He is the one giving the pain.

I do have though an obsession with sucking His cock it is definitley my favourite sexual activity, and i do tend to seek this more so after any pain, even with the upcoming punishment i have due one of my first questions was will i be allowed to suck His cock immediatley afterwards, but i have had conflicting arguments with myself over whether i should be allowed to or not. Of course i want to say yes because i love it and it would make the punishment less of an ordeal knowing that afterwards im getting what i want even though He may desire it also, but then i have to begrudgingly admit that its not a good idea, i think i need to realise for my own improvement that punishment should not be associated with any form of pleasure which at the moment i am. Im comforting and reassuring myself with the fact that i will get to suck His cock afterwards so therefore the punishment will be worth it, ultimatley its up to Him of course but i think personally and as much as it does pain me to admit it in order for the punishment to be effective i shouldnt be allowed any immediate pleasure afterwards.

In regards to sex and intimacy i dont as i said in the first paragraph put the two together, however there are some sexual activities that i am not permitted to do with anyone else most notably anal sex, this is something that is for Him only. As far as intimacy goes to me this is when im in His arms, lying in bed talking openly, He knows my every fantasy and desire, what i crave and what i fear and thats far important to me than sex.

must be better im having pervy thoughts

I must be feeling better im having pervy thoughts, thinking of things i would like to do when im with Master, and im lucky that He does usually indulge me if i request something i would like to do probably because He enjoys it also. I think we are lucky that we are both compatible in the respect that we both have very perverted minds although He is definitley far worse than me and i thought i was bad enough, the more degrading something is the more arousing i find it and sometimes i get frightened about how far i/we could go. The one concern i do have is should some things be left to fantasy could trying something extreme that i fantasize about push me over the edge? and where does it end?

Im a firm believer in that what people (consenting adults) choose to do in private really cannot be regarded as being perverted, and even in bdsm there are aspects that may not appeal to some for example watersports, Master enjoys this a great deal and i do to a certain extent still coming to terms with drinking His piss but as a whole i enjoy it. I dont have any inclination to be involved in scat at all, i had a memo once from someone before i met Master saying that it was an activity they enjoyed, fair enough but its not for me yet i can understand the appeal.

I do find it sometimes disturbing that i relish the prospect of being degraded, i want to be used whether this be sexually or as an object to inflict pain on simply because He desires it, to be left bound until He wants to make use of me. I do admit though i couldnt handle this on an ongoing basis, a couple hours a whole day or evening yes but i would need the security of knowing that eventually i would be in bed in His arms and thats what makes it bearable and enjoyable because i know no matter if He chooses to treat me this way there is always a cuddle and reassurance at the end.

self-esteem

I have spoke to Master briefly which was nice and unexpected, i miss Him terribly and its made me realise how dependant i am on Him especially emotionally as i do have irrational worries sometimes and at these moments i need His reassurance that everything is fine even though i know it is. I got a rotten cold which has knocked the wind out of me usualy i can hold them off but this one has me beaten, im drugged up to my eyeballs which propably isnt a good idea since im in the classroom and in the office everyday but nurofen capsules are whats getting me through each day.



I have lost a bit of weight during the summer and am a little more happier with my figure as it is something that i do stress about even though Master has said He loves my body it is something im concious of, especially with the thought of meeting others im very insecure about myself and i just know i will be comparing myself with the other women i know this is wrong as it is my problem and i wish i could say i was happy with the way i am but im not. Im wandering if this is the main reason why i really want to be hooded or blindfolded as i then wont have to face anybody, i can hide behind the mask so to speak without the fear of having to appear confident when im not.

It does concern me that i have low self esteem because im aware that it does reflect on my behaviour and attitude, i tend to get very defensive over issues that are a big deal to me such as behaving/dressing like a slut in public its not something i have the confidence for, in private just the two of us yes but i know one negative comment from anyone and it would hit me hard emotionally, i havent the confidence to shrug it off it would eat away at me. I know that when we meet up and it comes to meeting the couple i will be a nervous wreck, already im getting anxious thoughts running through my head, what if they dont like me?, what if i do/say something wrong?, what if i dont like them?, what if i cant cope with it all? and this is when i miss Him the most because i cant express these thoughts via text open to misinterpretation and nor do i want Him to have any concerns whilst we have limited contact.

age and intelligence

Well first day been and gone and it was bearable but then its early days, had some mail on collarme from a 20yr old domme which i replied to in a not very polite and respectful way but then when the initial introduction is "hello, i will show you how pain is pleasure" its hard to construct a decent response. Now i admit and always have that i do have an attitude problem when it comes to dominant women i find them difficult to relate to on any level, i have said to Master on several occassions women are natural bitches and dominant women even more so, i would go as far to say that they are probably more cruel than any man. I do admit though that this is mainly my instinct that makes me feel this way and looking through female dominants profiles its no wander, half of them are hardly out of there teens and the other half either want money or perfection okay maybe im exagerrating but it sure does seem this way.

Whilst i fully understand that everybody has to start somewhere to gain experience and i appreciate that it must be hard to be taken seriously in some cases especially the more younger you are the harder i believe you have to work to sell yourself to someone, unless someone is intentionally seeking someone with whom to develop together. Before i formally committed to Master i had the usual amount of mail (basically inundated) and a few from younger men and whilst i always replied i tried to be tactful in my reply without causing offence but they would always end up asking if it was their age that i was against.

It was their age that was a problem for me, im sure some of them were very nice and experienced but my preference is for older men at least 10yrs older than me and its not something i was willing to compromise on no matter how compatible they may have been. Its important to me that someone is experienced not only in bdsm but about life in general and is able to interest me outside of bdsm so i also wanted someone that was more intelligent than myself, and i would say im fairly intelligent certainly capable of holding my own in most conversations but i wanted someone i can learn from as well.

I also know that just because someone is older does not necessarily mean that they are experienced or indeed able to hold a conversation, i admit i do have quite a vicious tongue and can be a complete bitch which is not something im proud of as i do have a tendency to use this against someone whom is shall we say lacking upstairs. Do i think men are above women? no i dont but then neither do i believe in female supremecy, do i think im on an equal footing with Him? no i dont and i dont want to be we are not equal i defer to Him not the other way round. I do however see myself as equal to other dominants, im submissive by nature and therefore my demeanour reflects that but im not their sub/slave and i treat them as i would any other person, this is not only what i prefer but what Master prefers basically i am submissive only to Him unless specifically told otherwise.

enemas and anal!!!

Well He is away for 2 weeks and today is the first day that contact will be at a minimum and im convinced its going to drag by, thankfully im working extra hours for 2 weeks which i dont usually do so im glad they coincided at least my mind will be occupied. Im trying to focus on meeting up when He gets back and i have been busy looking up on the internet for new toys, trouble is there is so much i would like im having problems narrowing the list down, definitley an enema kit is top of the list as the rule is i have to clean Him using my tongue after He has cum i figured this is a must have....dont think i need to elaborate on why.



On the subject of enema kits and i havent had one used on me before it is something im keen to try, i like the humiliation of it however it has occurred to me that as anal sex is something that we both enjoy and therefore tends to be a regular occurrence i thought its not likely that im going to be given an enema everytime and i must say umm well i dont fancy cleaning off something that has been in my ass, im wandering if i can state this comes under scat which is a hard limit, shall have to put this to Him when He comes home. I didnt think i would enjoy anal sex as much as i do and im glad that Master has decided it is something that is only between us, no one else will be allowed to use my ass, i think its important to retain some activities just for ourselves i wouldnt ever wanted to be handed over to someone to do with as they wish, i prefer to be only His to do with as He wishes.

is it abuse?

When does being a slave become being an abused women?

something i read a while a back got my back up and its something i knew i had to address at some point so if i offend anyone tough ultimatley these are my opinions. I chose to be a slave and i chose to take this path with Him and to some extent these are where my choices ended. The limits i have are those that He has so anything other than those limits are not negotiable and lets be realistic its not like He is going to ask me to jump off a cliff or cut off my finger just had to point that out because there are some who do actually ask a slave if they would do that, maybe some would thankfully my Master is of a sane mind, sadistic yes but thats a whole different issue.

Obviously im biased of course i think He is great most if not all subs/slaves think their Masters are wonderful and due to the nature of M/s relationships the basis is on the slave pleasing their Master no matter of their own discomfort. But He is human and as such is capable of making mistakes just as any other human being does and there may be occasions when He makes a decision that isnt the right one and it has a negative and damaging effect on me. Now ultimatley as the responsibilty of my welfare lies with Him and i know Him and trust Him enough to know that He would never do anything intentionally that would have damaging effects, that should it happen i would think no less of Him.

So does this mean i am in a position of being vunerable to abuse or am i so blindsighted i dont realise i am actually being abused?

Well abuse to me is if He was to intentionally neglect my welfare and to have total disregard to the effects His actions or decisions have on me. No i may not agree with all what He may say or do and i may get upset on occasions and struggle to comply, but this is the role i have chosen to undertake and it cannot be half chosen to suit me. He is a sadist there are going to be times im in a lot of pain and im not liking it, there are going to be moments when He treats me like a common whore and i feel worthless but these are only parts of the whole picture.

Im happy with how i am developing, a few problems but overall its going well im certainly more happier now i have come to terms with being a slave and all that it entails, so am i a victim of abuse no do i like being abused absolutley and if someone doesnt know the difference between the two then they best not comment on something they dont understand.

acceptance of being a slave

Over the last week events have occurred that has made me really think long and hard about going down the path of enslavement, can i be what He wants me to be, i debated with myself is it what i want?, am i ready for this? i had doubts moments when i just wanted to forget everything and walk away but i cant because it is what i want i think, as for being ready well im ready as i ever will be it wont be easy but then anything really worth acheiving rarely is.

Without a doubt i think i have been very fortunate to meet someone that is able to fulfil the needs i have and develop them and yes mould them to fit His needs, thats an issue that worries me, im scared that there will be no turning back.  Im scared because the level of control he wants and i know its not all going to be instant, but nevertheless in agreeing to this i am agreeing that "no" is not acceptable and a whole host of other things.

And i have asked for this, but what am i asking for? i mean thinking logically it cant be that difficult im submissive thats a good start and its ok mostly apart from when He gets all fussy about how he would prefer my submission!, i like a lot of kinky things and i dont need to do the things i dont like.  How much control can one person really have over another.  Im confused.

He said i can ask Him what i like but i dont know what i should be asking, and what is it with all the needing to know how i feel and what i think, i do not like being interrogated.  Time He says, it will take time to adjust, will be difficult He says at times, is He trying to talk me out it?

I thought i had it all sorted in my head, now im not so sure.

found the perfect gag

I dont seem to be doing so well over the last few days, it just seems that no matter what i cant do right its frustrating because the will is there but before i realise it i have said or done something wrong. I asked to be punished for my attitude which i found difficult because obviously im dreading the caning as it is and He decided i should be whipped on the breasts as well and i cant handle the whip very well.

Im wandering if im behaving the way i am because of the fact He is going away for 2 weeks and im finding that difficult, i think im also anxious about the weekend when we meet with this couple and along with the punishments which i do deserve it just seems to be a lot to face in one weekend and im scared i wont cope with it all at once.

I am though content and realise that i do need Him to be harder on me when necessary because i know that if i think i can get round Him once i will try it again and again, i need the consistency and more importantly i need to know that certain behaviour is not acceptable. I will however be much happier when the Saturday arrives and everything im not looking forward to is over and i have Him to myself and any activities we may do then although some i may find difficult is easier to handle because its not punishment, and hopefully will involve lots of the elements i do like.

On a change of note (i dont wont to dwell on the punishments anymore they have been decided so that is that), i have seen a gag i really would like at first it was the jennings gag but Master sent me some information on spider gags which are even more appealing. I like them simply because they hold the mouth open and as i like degredation my first thought was this gag would be great for watersports. I do struggle with the idea of watersports and although He pees on me and i have drunk a little i admit its not something i like i mean it doesnt exactly taste pleasant in fact its bloody disgusting. But this is where i do like the element of being "forced" when i saw the gag i immediatley thought it would be really degrading and humiliating to be in bondage, gag in and have to drink His piss well with that type of gag i wouldnt have a choice and thats exactly what i like it for and im intending on getting one and i cant see Him saying no to that.

an apology

Sir im sorry for my attitude in the last post and on the phone to You, i guess i still have a lot to learn about controlling my tantrums because that is what they are, i wanted to post my apology here because what i said was public to anyone that should happen to read it and disrespectful to You so its only fit i should apologise here.

I know You are punishing me for the right reasons and i deserve it, and i deserve to be punished for having the attitude i did although You said you wouldnt on the phone im asking You to because i need it, i looked at the post i made the other day when i talked about graceful submission and how its where i want to be, so You see i should be punished because i didnt accept your decision as i should have done.

Your slave
tori

Im up to 7 strokes now so am not feeling as positive as what i was when i wrote earlier blog, im pretty much terrified at the prospect i seem to be having low and high moments in the last few days and this is definitley a low moment to the point im dreading meeting up its all i can focus on right now and not in a positive light.

I had forgotten some of the instructions He gave me yesterday regarding what i was to do whilst He is away for a fortnight, so am posting them here as a reminder to myself i dont want to and i feel pissed off that He is making me.

i am to practice deepthroating on a cucumber for 15 mins per day

i am to fuck myself in the cunt and ass with cucumbers, increasing depth each time

whilst i am doing the above i am to have nipple clamps attached

i am to text Him when i have finished

When the punishment was first decided (thanks to topaz, and yes im being sarcastic) i said to her afterwards that it would end up being more than 3, not because i knew i would do anything intentionally to add to them but because i knew He would pick up on everything i say or do to add to them.

Im also hurt and annoyed that He suggested that if anymore were to be added He may well have to get someone else in to apply them, He promised me that no-one else would get to punish me its something that is important to me and a definite no-no so it upset me when He mentioned it.

Anyway i have been made to post the instructions and i have, this blog was meant to be for me to come to freely and openly when i liked and now i feel like its being used as a tool to humiliate me.

feeling positive

Feeling a lot more positive, it has helped that i have changed the way i view things instead of looking at the punishment in a negative aspect im seeing it as a necessary act to correct my behaviour so obviously its not meant to be enjoyable. I also know that as i tend to get a lot of satisfaction and pleasure from the pain and the marks afterwards that most likely within 20 or so minutes after its over i will be peeking at my marks in the mirror and desperate to get at His cock (scrap that as soon as its over i will be desperate to get to His cock). I know that this caning is not the worst punishment He could inflict on me i dont think any form of physical pain is (may change this view at a later date) i would be far more upset should He not allow me to sleep with Him or denies me pain i enjoy but without a doubt the worst would be to deprive me of contact with Him whether this be physical or just talking.

I tend to not seek sexual gratification for myself after any form of pain, i want more to serve Him sexually and i get my pleasure from that and wouldnt be disappointed if i was not given sexual relief although i usualy do if He allows it. Im trying hard not to think of Him having sexual contact with another sub im not generally a jealous person and at the end of the day what we have is more than just sex, its not about sex to me, but i cant deny i will find it difficult to witness. It has been on my mind for a while not to the point that its causing me problems i have accepted that it will happen and im secure in my position as His slave to take it for what it is sex albeit in the context of bdsm.

why do i put myself through this?

um im a bit concious of what i write in case its misinterpreted and i want to be able to write freely here its become my sounding board somewhere i can come to put my thoughts down whether there right or wrong. I feel alone at the moment and having one of those "why do i put myself through this" moments i dont get them often and when i do its usually when im anxious and scared about something, and then i feel like a failure because i shouldnt feel like that and then i get angry because why shouldnt i feel like this im human after all.

Im scared no actually terrified of the up and coming caning and im up to 5 strokes now for talking to Him in an inappropriate manner, probably hasnt helped that i recently watched a video of a malaysian man being judicicaly caned it made me feel sick, and its not about me not understanding that i need to be punished i accept that but its the fear of the unknown but with the knowledge its going to be horrible. Im scared it will change the way i view the cane i love it under normal circumstances and i dont want to end up fearing it, i think its the waiting as well that doesnt help it gives me time to brood on it and work myself up so that in itself is self-torture.

Its not about fearing or being terrified of Him because im not, He makes me nervous sometimes and yes scared especially when He is in one of His sadistic moods and when im being punished, but i trust Him so that reassures me that even at the worst of times i am safe. I think at the moment its a combination of really looking forward to seeing Him yet intermixed with the fear of the punishment and meeting this other couple and i want to please Him i want to behave as He expects me to but im scared of failing.

I may well wake up tomorrow and look at it all in a different light, i hope so i have just spoke to Him briefly online and mentioned some of what i have said here and i feel a little better, its easier because i love Him and i know even when He is at His most sadistic that He loves me to and i do love you Sir very much.

So i guess i put myself through this because i need it, want it and i wouldnt want it with anyone else but You.