Wednesday, 26 September 2007

being told no!!

I sent Master a text asking to be excused from my task today as im sore and yesterday i found it uncomfortable and was throbbing in a not nice way for a fair part of the evening afterwards, i really expected Him to say yes so when i got the text back saying no i was to complete task as instructed it came as a shock to be honest. What further surprised me was that i wasnt at all annoyed or pissed off at Him wheras a month ago i would have been and probably would have sent a text back either trying again and begging to be let off or being stroppy which would in both cases meant i would most likely end up being punished. It's a big turning point for me i realise because of the fact i didnt attempt to re-negotiate as i would have done before, and because i didnt feel any resentment at all because sometimes i do struggle with being told no.

Maybe i should not have asked in the first place but i am learning its how i phrase my responses, requests or questions that make the difference as i do have a tendency sometimes especially when given an instruction to do something im not keen to reply with "do i have to" and saying that quite recently earnt me an extra 2 cane strokes. My problem which i am learning to change is thinking before i speak so instead of saying "do i have to" in a sulky manner (not very slave-like) a more appropriate response maybe "yes Sir but i am having some difficulties with this because........" now of course this is not always appropriate and depends on the situation. Of course even if i was to ask anything in a respectful manner it does not necessarily mean i will get the response from Him i would prefer and nor should i expect to be given an explanation and the difficulty i think is knowing when its appropriate to make requests etc and when its not.

If i was to have sent Him a text saying i didnt want to do task because i "dont feel like it" i think its fair to say that this is not appropriate, as a slave its irrelevant whether i feel like something or not, He isnt unreasonable as i was unwell last week He made allowances that i wasnt up to doing the task. However im well now yes im sore and would have preferred not to have had to do task, i made a request and was refused and i dont see that as unreasonable, although i was hoping to take advantage of the fact that as He is away and we are both missing one another He might of relented. But on the other hand it was reassuring that He didnt give in to me because it gave me the security of knowing that even because of the circumstances He still maintains the level of control i need and that i cant twist Him round my little finger, in effect reminding me of my place because sometimes i need to be especialy when contact is minimal.

So i am proud of myself it maybe only trivial but because i know what i have been like previously, to accept His decision gracefully is a big deal to me and i just hope i can keep it up.

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