Monday, 10 September 2007

graceful submission

I have spent the last few days trying to think of ways and means to distract or change the punishment i have due, i have bought some nice underwear thinking that seduction may well work in my favour and if all else fails begging for mercy not that this seems to help much either. In fact i have spent more time thinking of how to get out of it that it has distracted me on why im being punished in the first place, i have realised i do this because then i dont have to focus on what i have done wrong, i focus on what nasty thing He intends doing to me and try and justify to myself that He is being intentionally nasty because afterall i am attempting to make it up to Him, so in effect turn Him into the "bad" person and can then console myself with what horrible thing He has done to me.

It wasnt until last night when i really sat down and thought things through that it occurred to me that behaving this way isnt an attractive trait to have, when we spoke last night i said i would like Him to take me to a club and He said only when i can obey without hesitation and thats what made me think, i should take my punishment gracefully and accept it without any attempt to delay, change or get out of it. I found an intresting thread last night concerning graceful submission ie. the ability to accept willingly and without resistance any kind of a decision or choice a Master may make. I want to be like this its what im aiming for and i think its a matter of me changing how i view situations and not over analyzing anything He may decide which i tend to and therefore make something relatively simple into a big issue like with the punishment, im being punished because i disobeyed Him and i deserve it as simple as that.

I dont think its something that will happen immediatley its going to take time and effort to get to that point, but if the will is there i believe i can do it and for me the first step is to accept the punishment without any resistance it wont be easy because naturally im scared there is no point in trying to convince myself otherwise it is going to really hurt and in a really unpleasant way, so why dwell on what will happen. I really want to try and focus when we meet up on accepting the inevitible instead of fighting against it and hopefully if i do well He may decide i have improved enough to take me to a club, but ultimatley i want to do it for Him and for myself.

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