I have spoke to Master briefly which was nice and unexpected, i miss Him terribly and its made me realise how dependant i am on Him especially emotionally as i do have irrational worries sometimes and at these moments i need His reassurance that everything is fine even though i know it is. I got a rotten cold which has knocked the wind out of me usualy i can hold them off but this one has me beaten, im drugged up to my eyeballs which propably isnt a good idea since im in the classroom and in the office everyday but nurofen capsules are whats getting me through each day.
I have lost a bit of weight during the summer and am a little more happier with my figure as it is something that i do stress about even though Master has said He loves my body it is something im concious of, especially with the thought of meeting others im very insecure about myself and i just know i will be comparing myself with the other women i know this is wrong as it is my problem and i wish i could say i was happy with the way i am but im not. Im wandering if this is the main reason why i really want to be hooded or blindfolded as i then wont have to face anybody, i can hide behind the mask so to speak without the fear of having to appear confident when im not.
It does concern me that i have low self esteem because im aware that it does reflect on my behaviour and attitude, i tend to get very defensive over issues that are a big deal to me such as behaving/dressing like a slut in public its not something i have the confidence for, in private just the two of us yes but i know one negative comment from anyone and it would hit me hard emotionally, i havent the confidence to shrug it off it would eat away at me. I know that when we meet up and it comes to meeting the couple i will be a nervous wreck, already im getting anxious thoughts running through my head, what if they dont like me?, what if i do/say something wrong?, what if i dont like them?, what if i cant cope with it all? and this is when i miss Him the most because i cant express these thoughts via text open to misinterpretation and nor do i want Him to have any concerns whilst we have limited contact.