Feeling a lot more positive, it has helped that i have changed the way i view things instead of looking at the punishment in a negative aspect im seeing it as a necessary act to correct my behaviour so obviously its not meant to be enjoyable. I also know that as i tend to get a lot of satisfaction and pleasure from the pain and the marks afterwards that most likely within 20 or so minutes after its over i will be peeking at my marks in the mirror and desperate to get at His cock (scrap that as soon as its over i will be desperate to get to His cock). I know that this caning is not the worst punishment He could inflict on me i dont think any form of physical pain is (may change this view at a later date) i would be far more upset should He not allow me to sleep with Him or denies me pain i enjoy but without a doubt the worst would be to deprive me of contact with Him whether this be physical or just talking.
I tend to not seek sexual gratification for myself after any form of pain, i want more to serve Him sexually and i get my pleasure from that and wouldnt be disappointed if i was not given sexual relief although i usualy do if He allows it. Im trying hard not to think of Him having sexual contact with another sub im not generally a jealous person and at the end of the day what we have is more than just sex, its not about sex to me, but i cant deny i will find it difficult to witness. It has been on my mind for a while not to the point that its causing me problems i have accepted that it will happen and im secure in my position as His slave to take it for what it is sex albeit in the context of bdsm.