Monday, 10 September 2007

why do i put myself through this?

um im a bit concious of what i write in case its misinterpreted and i want to be able to write freely here its become my sounding board somewhere i can come to put my thoughts down whether there right or wrong. I feel alone at the moment and having one of those "why do i put myself through this" moments i dont get them often and when i do its usually when im anxious and scared about something, and then i feel like a failure because i shouldnt feel like that and then i get angry because why shouldnt i feel like this im human after all.

Im scared no actually terrified of the up and coming caning and im up to 5 strokes now for talking to Him in an inappropriate manner, probably hasnt helped that i recently watched a video of a malaysian man being judicicaly caned it made me feel sick, and its not about me not understanding that i need to be punished i accept that but its the fear of the unknown but with the knowledge its going to be horrible. Im scared it will change the way i view the cane i love it under normal circumstances and i dont want to end up fearing it, i think its the waiting as well that doesnt help it gives me time to brood on it and work myself up so that in itself is self-torture.

Its not about fearing or being terrified of Him because im not, He makes me nervous sometimes and yes scared especially when He is in one of His sadistic moods and when im being punished, but i trust Him so that reassures me that even at the worst of times i am safe. I think at the moment its a combination of really looking forward to seeing Him yet intermixed with the fear of the punishment and meeting this other couple and i want to please Him i want to behave as He expects me to but im scared of failing.

I may well wake up tomorrow and look at it all in a different light, i hope so i have just spoke to Him briefly online and mentioned some of what i have said here and i feel a little better, its easier because i love Him and i know even when He is at His most sadistic that He loves me to and i do love you Sir very much.

So i guess i put myself through this because i need it, want it and i wouldnt want it with anyone else but You.

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