Thursday, 6 September 2007

defining our relationship

Long before i met my Master, as young as maybe middle teens, i knew i had these strange desires but didnt have a label to fit them, i wasnt sure if the feelings i had were normal at all and didnt have the courage to talk to anyone, i mean how do you talk to someone about having the urge to be beaten. Eventually with the aid of the internet i realised that it wasnt just me that there were names for how i felt, and i spent a while reading constantly about the lifestyle some of it i found very frightening and shocking and it was a while before i took the plunge to actually set out to meet someone.

When i did meet this Dominant initialy it was a relief to be able to confirm to myself that i do enjoy this, as it was my first D/s experience i didnt know any different, he wasnt abusive physically but mentally i always felt a failure, he never made me feel good about myself no matter how hard i tried, and eventually i doubted myself and then him and his behaviour and realised it wasnt right and it ended.

I convinced myself for a while afterwards that i had got it out my system and it wasnt for me and should move on, but you cant change your basic nature, the urge to be controlled, the desire for pain is a big pull and eventually i started to look once more. Oh god the trawling through the trash is unbelievable, the cock pictures for goodness sake, like im interested much prefer someone that can stimulate my brain as well as my body. The mail from Him was different in the respect it wasnt a typical "knees bitch" and in most cases i always replied unless it was blatant trash, but in His case i made more of an effort to form a reply as He had made the effort with His message. We appeared well matched i admit to being dubious about the sadist part im ashamed to admit when i thought of sadists i conjured up images of being brutally used and abused and not in a consensual way so i was wary.

But we met up we got on really well and a cliche i know but we did hit it off and it became quickly a very intense relationship, i definitley think communication plays a huge part i can talk to Him about anything without the fear of being labelled a freak, He listens to my fears and i feel safe with Him my welfare is important to Him and im secure in the knowledge He thinks too much of me to put me in any situation that i am not prepared for or cannot handle.

Through lots of open and honest communication we established boundries, what areas we wished to explore more of or should i say i want to explore more of as He has a vast more experience than me, i struggled with identifying as a masochist but more so i have struggled with the fact that i get off on being pushed further than i want to be, i need and prefer to have no choice. This seems an area that is open to lots of misunderstanding and it has made me realise that i am very lucky to have met someone that understands these needs i have, i have always tried to respect other peoples dynamics i may not understand them but i respect them, as i would like to think that they do ours, but this is often not the case it appears to me that if you dont "fit" with how some people define bdsm then its abuse, i have put this down to ignorance.

I am proud to be in what i define as a consenual bdsm relationship, yet as im a big fan of humiliation and dehumanization i love being "forced" to do things that im not that keen on, an example that explains this perfectly is i dont relish the prospect of serving a women at all yet i find the idea of having to to please Him at these times extremely arousing, i get off on His control i crave it because i need it as simple as that. He has said i dont have to if i dont want to and i was mortified i said to Him i dont want a choice and i dont, the way i see it is i trust Him enough to let Him guide me because ultimatley thats what it comes down to trust.

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