Monday, 24 September 2007

the right to keep thoughts to myself?

Well have just finished reading the first four books by John Norman about Gor, well what a pile of crap im just thankfully i got them very cheap off ebay but at least now i know for myself i have wanted to read them for a long time and at least can say i have, albeit only the first four and that was painful enough. I recently have re-read the Story of O after having first read it years ago and i still am not that impressed with it and even bought the film which if it wasnt for the fact that i dislike giving up on things wouldnt have got further than the first half hour. Master gave me some bdsm footage on a computer disc to watch and i really enjoyed those mostly because it was real, some of it made me squirm and make a note to myself not to mention those parts to Him as my first thoughts were "fuck i hope He doesnt do that to me" but even on those moments i still found it arousing but then it doesnt take much to get me aroused.

Now i have realised that when He reads this He is most likely going to ask what these bits was, now i could lie and say it was something different but i really find it difficult to deceive Him not that im implying it is something i do often, but yes i have been known to try and pull the wool over His eyes temporarily on a few occassions. Last time we was together i was gobsmacked that He caught me out, i had promised not to smoke whilst we was together and we was at a pub having dinner and a few drinks and i really was craving a cigarette, so i told Him i was going to the toilet when actually i went out to the front of the pub to have a sneaky cigarette. When i came back out to the beer garden He asked me if i have had a nice pee or something to that effect and i just knew he knew. I felt like a kid who has been caught with their hand in the cookie jar and i thought well no point in digging myself deeper in the shit so admitted that i had been outside for a cigarette and He said He knew i had, i think as well though if i have done something i know i shouldnt have i do have a guilty look so that would have given me away anyway, i would have told Him and my theory was to wait until later when He had had a few more to drink.

I know i shouldnt decieve Him in anyway regardless of how trivial it is such as with the cigarette and im lucky that He didnt pursue the issue and punish me although i think it went in my favour that He genuinly did forget and as i had had a few to drink as well i forgot myself. Also at this time we was together that evening after He had fallen asleep i awoke in the early hours and was aroused, He was asleep and i masturbated without His permission i didnt tell Him until after i was home and rightly so He punished me for this. I am not proud of myself and as i write this i feel ashamed of my behaviour but at that time in my defence i didnt want to tell Him in the morning because i knew that it would mean punishment and as it was our last morning i didnt want to end the weekend on a negative note and this was my was of justifying my actions to myself. However now as time has gone on i know that if this situation was to happen again (although i highly doubt it would) i would tell Him as soon as was possible (not when He is asleep) so i am improving on how i think and how i act, still have a way to go but bit by bit im getting there.

The point im trying to make is albeit not very sucessfully is as much as i may not want to tell Him something for whatever reason, even if its something He is unaware of it is His right to know if it pertains to us or my development as His slave. So in this respect no i dont have the right to keep thoughts to myself.

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