Friday, 2 November 2007

unsure of my predicment

Im really trying to be level headed as i write this and keep in mind the expectations He has of me as His slave which is important to me and as much as is possible a large part of my everyday life. We do talk about our vanilla lives as well as obviously our own relationship and im happy with that and i do try to always keep in mind that no matter the conversation the bottom line is im His slave and therefore my attitude should reflect that.

Tonight i feel troubled and im trying to see it from His perspective as well as my own, i masturbated without His permission which i am fully aware is not permitted as His slave it is not my right to decide when i have pleasure and i dont have a problem with that, however the circumstances behind why i did is what is troubling me. I had sex with my husband which isnt a regular occurrence but when i do it has become routine that i always finish myself off so i did, im trying to keep things as normal as possible in my vanilla life so i behaved as i would normally but Master doesnt see it that way and it appears very likely i will be punished.

I feel in a predicament im trying to keep things as normal as i can at home in order not to rock the boat, but by doing so i have now displeased Him and im really at a loss as to what to say, i dont think i deserve to be punished but if He is determined i will be nothing i say or do will sway Him and im trying to think this through objectively, i didnt argue with Him or get stroppy and im not annoyed although i did feel like saying to Him "next time i will just say sorry dear but i just have to phone my Master and ask permission" but figured that would definitley get me into trouble.

I think what is making me feel worse is if anything i feel bad enough as it is that i actually feel guilty having sex with my husband because i see my body as being His.

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