Wrapping up for the season

Really busy here at the moment with work and the usual family stuff that goes on at this time of the year, so i know i have comments to get back to and i will after Christmas.

this is just a post to wish all of you a happy Christmas, enjoy yourselves, to those that may not celebrate it...well carry on as normal lol

See you all on the other side of this manic but well worth the manic time.

xx

When love and hate collide

You scare me sometimes Master.  Sometimes i am fearful of you, and in little moments i really think i hate you.

Spiders scare me, im afraid of them, and i really think i hate them.

The thing is about the spiders is i live in the UK, we dont have 'dangerous' spiders here, but nevertheless for reasons which are completely irrational im fucking scared of the little 8 legged freaks, i know they cant hurt me...heck im not stupid i know that...but they provoke this major reaction out of me that is really quite pathetic.

I love roller coasters, have 'done' all the big themes parks here in this country as well as quite few over in the US, but as im lining up (usually with my children) i get a little scared, some even have frightened me but yet i stay in the line waiting, and the apprehension is building, torn between being afraid but yet strangely excited.

Finally get on and im checking the safety bar, gripping onto it convinced it might fall off! within 3 minutes its over, and its a huge adrenalin rush, a couple of roller coasters i have come off swearing im never doing that one again, i hated it, the kids laugh at me as we walk around the park and im moaning about how bad it made me feel.....

umm and after a few hours i find myself back in that queue.

These descriptions are the closest ways i can think to explain how sometimes i fear Master, or what he is doing to me, its an irrational fear, but at the time it feels so very real..because it is real..im afraid.

But the fear dissipates eventually, sometimes taking longer to go than at other times, but eventually its replaced by a sense of elation, excitement and whatever he has done to make me feel afraid, angry or distressed is replaced by an adrenalin rush and

yeah i want to get on the 'ride' again because even though at times im scared, pissed off at him and boy do i  let him know how i feel...heck read some of my posts and you all get a peek of how upset i am...so why do i put myself through this again and again...

because getting through to the 'other side' of feeling elated etc is worth it, its a funny thing submission, i write about it being 'my' submission...but its not mine, its his, he owns it, he owns me, he pushes me not just physically but emotionally, kink and vanilla wise....and it can be draining, it can cause me to 'fight' him, to want to put walls up.

But through all of this, really its not about just him getting his 'kicks' its giving me what i need, because as much as it seems its all about the doms and their wants and needs.....most want a 'healthy' submissive, most want to 'know' their submissive, inside and out, to see them grow.....and its about trust, i trust him because he knows me.....and i submit to things that make me believe i hate him because actually he knows me better than i know myself.....and that can be a scary and frightening concept in itself when your essentially saying

" im yours, im putting myself in your hands, in return i trust you to keep me safe, to care for me"

Its a funny old thing when love and hate collide.

Sexual encounters of the third kind

Well im out of my comfort zone trying to describe sex sessions with Master, lack of confidence and its not really way up on my list of importance in respect of our relationship...i know...how the hell i made the 100 sex blog list of 2013 is still an enigma lol

So please dont be expecting a really erotic dialogue because you will be sorely disappointed! im so bad at this, honestly you wouldnt believe how many times this has been edited, deleted and im still not happy with it.

I figured i would write about 3 times we had sex in the last week.

1)  I asked Master for permission to use the bathroom, he granted it but followed me in, motioning for me kneel in the shower, he stripped off his clothes and brought my head to his cock, he likes it slow, for me to lick the head before taking him into my mouth where i take it all down, i start to splutter as he holds my head, not allowing me to release him.

When he does pull out, he instructs me to pee which i do, then "turn around, hands and knees" his cock probes my pussy very briefly before he moves it to my ass, i love anal sex, and i especially love it with very little lubrication as is the case this time, he forces himself in and it hurts but in an oh so good way.

He pushes my head down onto the tiles, "lick your piss up, you filthy bitch"...this does it for me, and as he thrusts into my ass, my orgasm builds, my knees are hurting but i dont want him to stop, finally release comes for both of us.

We shower together, i love to wash him, it is perhaps more intimate than the sex itself, i relish in exploring his body, never tire of it.

2nd and 3rd will have to wait..didnt realise how late it was getting here.

Well im shocked, in a good way

It was brought to my attention (thankyou lil) that im in the 100 top sex bloggers list of 2013 (no. 77), im honestly surprised at this, i dont know who voted for me..but whoever you are thankyou very much, i think im most shocked, because although im flattered i would not have considered this blog a sex blog...i dont often post explicitly about sex....i feel obligated to do a sex post now lol....cant now, limited on time....umm going to be a bit tied up ahem lol

http://www.betweenmysheets.com/top-100-sex-bloggers-of-2013#

Im going to make a conscious effort to check out the other blogs on the list over the next week, find some new reads.

So anyways, again, whoever got me on that list, i really dont know!...sincerely thankyou, you must have incredible patience from putting up through all the ranty posts to get the 'hot' ones lol.

The choice is yours

I woke up this morning, pulled back the covers to check my tits were still attached, i was pretty sure from the state of them, yellow, bruised and vivid red welts over them, when going to bed last night that they was going to drop off....yeah slight exaggeration about the dropping off!

It all started very innocently while having a shower, ok maybe not so innocent being as it was a shower of the golden variety but anyways its pretty much the norm for us that, after relieving himself, he tells me to hurry up get showered and then i can have a  caning....yay.

I make sure im completely dry, i love a caning, but cane on wet skin ouchies and not in a nice way, he is waiting, cane in hand, "tits or ass first?, you choose" oh.  Im not so keen on a caning on the tits, plus im close to that time of the month and more sensative, not that this concerns him in the slightest, but i choose tits first, my reasoning being get the worst over with first.

"please may i have a warm up Sir?"

"No"

He has me kneel beside him, "Tell me when your ready for each stroke"...oh geez, you know i dont like this game, but i ready myself, hands under my tits offering them up, his hand grabs my hair to pull my head back....so there is no obstruction, whap it strikes down hard, and i turn grabbing onto his legs, catching my breath.

And so it continues, feels much longer than it actually was and its hurting a lot, i just want to cuddle my poor beaten boobies, hoping for a reprieve before he moves on but thats not happening, "bend over" figure that asking for a warm up is pointless.

I love the cane, i do, but i struggle with it when a) there is no warm-up and b) i much prefer to be tied down, it just helps me to get into that mindset of accepting it because i cant do anything to avoid it..again he instructs me to ask for the strokes.  The first one has me falling forward, grasping the bedcovers, screaming into them, i turn to look at him, pleading that its too hard, just get that 'look' and resign myself to the inevitable.

Over with, i sprawl across the bed, im done..but he isnt "choose an item from the box, anything you would like, your choice"

Im grinning like the cheshire cat......what will i choose, decisions, decisions!

The missing pieces of the bigger picture

The previous post was a ramble, or more honestly me throwing my toys out the pram, because i needed to vent and let him know im still peeved about the spanking...put simply me throwing a tantrum because i didnt like it.

Some points made in the comments gave me pause for thought, and i felt needed further clarification.

Our relationship is M/s, which for us means for me there is no 'not feeling like it', no not having to do something just because i dont like it, telling him "no" is not acceptable....

his expectation of me is to be pleasing and obedient, that encompasses everything, when i fail (through my own fault) at either/or those then there are consequences.

Spanking, specifically otk position is just something i find embarrassing, humiliating in a way that doesnt give me a thrill, that is all, there is just no other explanation i can give, i simply dont like it.  He knows very well how i feel about it, and he doesnt do it very often, but because of the nature of our relationship he is well within his right to have me submit to it....and to expect me to submit gracefully without the tantrums.

I do think that its difficult to reason sometimes with relationships that are similar to mine, there is perhaps an element of 'no-one actually lives like this surely' or 'everyone has the right to say "no", to not have to submit to something they dont enjoy/dont like'

But people do live like this, and i know i am most certainly not the only one, the reality is its not easy, thats not to say its constantly difficult because thats not the case either, like any relationship it takes work, dedication but it meets my needs, i thrive on being owned.

Giving yourself to another completely is rewarding in so many ways, M/s isnt for everyone, if  pushed i would say the more difficult parts are learning to 'let-go' to accept the will of another, in fantasyland, part-time relationships, online, and those bloody books (yes im aware that this could cause controversy, but thats not my intent, nor is it my intent to cause offence) i dont think the realities are portrayed very accurately or rather its romanticised.

(edited to add) because the above paragraph is bugging me in that im not sure im clear in what i mean....which is that generally i think understanding M/s/tpe is difficult to comprehend until one is living it, of course how one defines these terms will vary from individuals.

Reality is for me, im his slave (as he defines it).  This means that i am answerable to my Master in every way.  Mostly this is not an issue, i thrive under his hand, it doesnt mean i like everything he asks/demands/expects of me..as clearly demonstrated but thats irrelevant in our relationship.

But he only asks/demands/expects from me what is deemed reasonable, and its all done under the umbrella of consent.

The bigger picture

Bloody internet problems, well more specifically computer problems has kept me from blogger, and the mobile is ok for reading posts but a pain in the ass to post comments, that and well yeah im really struggling with what to write.....its just not coming together.

I got spanked.  Otk.  I was not happy, i dont like it at all, and i expressed my feelings about this in a completely undignified (language wise) way, quite ashamed really my behaviour was certainly not in any way what one would expect from a submissive, well most definitely not what he expects from his slave.

Have been pulled up on my behaviour quite a bit as of late, its not been really bad, but i had gotten complacent i guess, the big issues for him is me telling him "no" and not obeying his instructions without protests...and yeah i have been doing this far more than is acceptable.

The spanking for example, he instructed me to lay across his lap, and immediately i was "no way" pleading that i would bend over the bed, anywhere but just not otk, ok so one could argue its not a big deal, i know many love being spanked this way....i dont, i just find it humiliating and embarrassing, i dont like it and dont want to have to do it.

And as i typed that i realise, as i have also on reflection, that i have walked into a trap i should have moved on from a long time ago, and i understand his frustration with me.......

Its about him, his needs, wants, desires, i am putting my own dislike of something first, now dont get me wrong there is no huge underlying reason why i dont like being spanked, i simply just dont like it and that is not a reason to behave the way i did.

I got punished, not specifically for this incident but overall for the lack of respect.

I do think though, or maybe im just feeling still peeved off about the spanking (yes i hate it this much to still be dwelling on it) mostly i think he has it bloody damn good with me..not that im saying im this perfect submissive, not at all..but in the bigger picture, even when i do protest etc ultimately i do obey....

and now im thinking thats not the point though is it? i should show a willingness even when im not...oh fuck i dont know...should just stop there i think.

Cleaning and out with the bump

I would like to report that i have been occupied with lots of kinky stuff...but alas this is not the case, i have been spring cleaning, or perhaps winter cleaning is more apt.

I like to go through the house in a major way before Christmas, curtains taken down washed or changed, walls wiped down, skirting boards cleaned, furniture cleaned...all the things that are not done on a regular basis.

But the best part of last week was going with my friend shopping for her nursery, she only has less than 2 months to her due date and my gift to her was decorating the nursery, its been so much fun.  I am appalled though at the insensitivity of some people, making references to having a baby at her age...she is 46.

Her husband and her have been married nearly 20 years, and trying for a baby pretty much the same amount of time, and nothing, went for all the tests, tried IVF and still no success, and they stopped perhaps 5 years ago...gave up.

Then such wonderful unexpected news she got pregnant.

Mostly the support from family and friends has been positive, its been other expectant mothers that she has come into contact with that have been judgemental, which understandably has caused her to get upset, honestly it does seem to me that being a woman you cant win.

If you have children too young there is criticism, too old its wrong, if you have them at the 'right' age and still work full time your judged on why have children if your not going to raise them, if you dont work and are a stay at home mum you can be deemed 'unproductive to society'.....i wanted to flatten the bitch that said that to my sister-in-law....or you get comments such as "well what do you do all day"....seriously!!! people who say that clearly cant have children or a home!

Feeling good about degredation

 A comment asking if i have any self respect, they referenced that i engage in watersports and how degrading it is.

Right, i like piss play, its perhaps odd that im quite happy to talk about this more than i am sex, and maybe odder still that i prefer being pissed on than i do having his cum all over me...im more hmm comfortable with it.

I dont see it as a big deal, although i appreciate its not everybodys cup of tea, i love the humiliation of it (although i do question, is something truly humiliating if its enjoyed?) but anyway yeah it does it for me, i especially love it when he has me on my knees, his piss rushing over me and then pushes me face down into the shower floor and has me lick it up (yeah it tastes awful).....but fuck i love degrading treatment.

 A dictionary definition of degrading is: 'harmful to the mind or morals; to lower in character, quality, value, to debase'

Yes i do think it can be harmful, its all about context isnt it? pretty much all of what we do is about context, the way in which its done, the circumstances and how the parties involved feel about it.

For example im not very confident with sex, (better than i was) but nevertheless its an area in which im sensitive about, so if he were to say something even during 'play' like "you should be grateful im fucking you, because your useless, i get more satisfaction with my hand"  it would hit me hard, it would hurt and play on my mind in a negative way, it certainly wouldnt boost my confidence in this area!

However, when im on my knees covered in his piss, he might say "look at you!, you filthy stinking cunt, covered in piss" i cant get my mouth around his cock quick enough, i dont know why im wired this way, i just am....the more degraded he makes me feel the more sexually responsive i am.

So its important to know each other well, to know what would be positive triggers but more importantly what would be negative, and like everything this is achieved through communicating, learning about each other.

It in no way means i have no self respect, if anything it makes me feel good about myself because im comfortable in the knowledge that when all is said and done he respects me, he loves and cares about me.....and he values me because i can take enjoyment from being degraded by him.

Free in my bonds

Joey recently wrote about a bondage demo he attended http://joeyred51-joeyandfriends.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/bondage-fun-spank-or-tickle.html?zx=11bf85f96d78e467

I love bondage, whether it be for the purpose of s/m, sex or just because he wants to have me tied up, being restrained just heightens the particular experience of what is going on.  It can feel relaxing, restricting,(obviously), harsh, sensual, can make me feel safe, scared, aroused, calm, frenzied....so many different emotions dependent on its purpose.

But what i most love and enjoy about it, is how free it makes me feel when i am bound..which sounds a contradiction of terms....but its the same as how all of this (tpe) enables me to be 'free' but yet i am owned. 

I love the helplessness of being defenceless against his ministrations, whether it be pain or indeed pleasure, it serves to remind me that i have no choice in what and how he wishes to use me, i am bound for his pleasure, to use as he pleases.

It helps me to surrender more easily, to get to that place where im just floating, and sometimes im gone so deeply im in a state of mind where i believe i will do and be anything he wants, just so vulnerable to him.

Its a place that belongs to just me and him, nothing and nobody else matters.

Oi! come out the closet

Yes, yes i know lol (love our lurkers day) was yesterday...but im terrible for procrastinating, so im late to the 'party'.

But this is simply the way i see it, if your lurking then im going to assume that something about all this interests, intrigues, excites, terrifies, the life out of you...or you just might be a pervert and thats ok too.....although if your perving here, you may well be disappointed with the lack of sexual adventures...but i know a good free porn site if you want the addy.

So im going to leave it at this...

if you have something to say, say it, ask it.....there is no such thing as a stupid or wrong question....ok that might be bollocks....but i promise to lay off the sarcasm....that promise is only valid for 30 days from today.

The bubble starts to deflate

What was and remains my main desire is the need to be controlled, to be told what to do, and when starting down this path with the bossman i relished that i was with someone that could provide me with this.

I had it all worked out in my head of what it would be like, what i wanted, the first few months i was very much caught up in sub frenzy, the excitement of it all, finally getting to experience some of what i had fantasised about.

I came into the relationship with a little experience of D/s and bdsm, enough to know that this wasnt something i had to get out of my system and move on...i needed it, whereas the bossman has 20+ years behind him, he has owned subs/slaves before.

and so it was understandable that there would be this clash of what i thought it would be like, should be like and well what he wanted and expected.

He can come across as quite arrogant, and yeah sometimes he is...but i like that in certain scenarios...well when it suits me...other times he infuriates me because he can be so goddamn "its my way, or no way" attitude.

However he showed incredible patience, calmness, he persevered when perhaps some might have washed their hands of me, when i threw my tantrums, balked at his commands, sulked and protested..because i was realising that my ideas of this submitting malarkey wasnt living up to fantasy...and i wandered if actually i was up for this, was i really submissive?......he stood firm, he believed in me.

I feel such a prized idiot for saying this but well it is what it is...but for all my ideas and fantasies i had, i hadnt considered that actually being submissive may mean submitting when i dont feel like it, when its something i dont want and i dont like.....i was caught up in it being about me, me me...i was happy to do whatever when i wanted, if i liked it/desired it.

and shock! horror! he wanted and expected more than that.

and yet enslavement was offered and i took it...im not sure which one of us was the more bonkers..him for thinking me ready or me for thinking i could manipulate him into how i wanted it...because i was still holding out for this fantasy image in my head!

Well thats another story

*my muse seems to have run off to the same place lil's did a while back...so this has been sitting in drafts for a while, and i feel bad because i did say umm weeks ago i would blog about it*

As i was asked, and i myself do find it interesting to hear how people got into ttwd/got together, and its more preferable than posting what i was going to,  i have blogged about this before....i think! 

But more specifically "thats another story" (mentioned in a previous post) was alluding to naivety when it came to s/m and adapting my ideas of being submissive to his (oh what a wake-up call it was), but i suppose i should start at the beginning.....grab a coffee this could well be a long post.

Master sent me a message on a website based in the UK, called InformedConsent, it was a standard message, saying he had read my profile, giving a bit more information about himself that was not on his.

Now anyone that has dealt with online dating specifically D/s sites will know what a bloody nightmare it is, a single submissive looking for a dominant will always attract the masses, and within a couple days of signing up i was inundated with messages.

The majority of messages were deleted, the usual suspects being the "I am Master, you obey" type of assholes, the "you wanna do some online sex", "hey bitch, i want to fuck you every which way"....you get the drift?

Some were interesting, but their profile information given was not what i was looking for, i have to be honest i was pretty specific about the sort of dominant i was looking for, i wanted someone older than me, the older the better, a sadist as i was interested in exploring s/m having had a taste previously, and definitely someone experienced....i wanted to be controlled, told what to do etc....obviously.

There were 2 that really caught my interest, Master as well as another dominant, i replied back to both of them, what made me more responsive to Master was as we initially messaged back and forth, he asked about vanilla interests as well, actually more vanilla than anything else...and i liked that...it built up a level of being comfortable with him.

We exchanged email addresses as well as IM id's and 'talked' most days, after a week ish he gave me his phone number and said to phone him whenever i felt comfortable enough.....i did the next day.

I was so nervous, it took a lot to pluck up the courage and part of me as the phone was ringing was hoping he wouldnt answer, he did, immediately he put me at ease, talking general chit-chat..again making me relaxed and comfortable, he thanked me for phoning him, appreciating how difficult it might have been.

Of course D/s came up, and we talked a lot about roughly what we were both looking to get out of the arrangement...i have to say at this point it was understood that it would not be a relationship, as in he made it clear he wasnt looking for romantic entanglement, and neither was i...i wanted a dominant, to learn from, to learn more about myself.....romance/love wasnt on my agenda...it certainly wasnt on his..he wanted a submissive, preferably a slave....his idea of a slave that is...which really didnt fit with mine!

I felt he had his reservations about me, although he in my mind fitted what i wanted, the same could not be said for him, he preferred older submissives, those with experience...basically not a newbie..which to all extent and purposes i was...certainly in the respect of what he wanted from an M/s perspective.

Within 3 months we agreed to meet up at a place that was suitable for both of us, i know there are recommended guidelines to follow for safety's sake, im afraid we broke everyone of them, in less than 2 hours we were in the bedroom, and i was naked tied to the bed being tormented lol

and well his 'toy' collection terrified the life out of me...my idea of s/m was a little naive...no maybe not naive but more a "oh fuck, i was thinking spanking, pretty decorative nipple clamps...pink fluffy floggers" and ahem yeah well eyes well and truely opened.

Um, i havent actually got to how my ideas of being submissive and the process of enslavement differed from his...which was meant to be the point of this post....so

ok this is longer than i anticipated..there will have to be a part 2!

Abscence makes the heart grow fonder...

Yeah im talking about blogland, absent not through personal choice....and thats all im saying about that!

So many posts i need to catch up on.

Its odd because this blogging can be very addictive and for the time i was not able to blog/comment i was not a very happy girlie at all, and then when i was able to come back and blog/comment (Friday), i would load up this page....and just sit looking at it, completely at a loss.

Im wandering if its possible for one to go backwards?  all is good with the bossman and i, so its not that at all.....hmm how to explain in a way that makes any sense at all!

Its like in the beginning when the bossman and i got together, he was strict, there was no let up, it was i guess (looking back) setting the boundaries and ensuring they was adhered to, i think that it was needed to build up consistency, (to learn that he would stand his ground/would not 'give-in') setting the groundwork i suppose in which i think comes the sense of security.

Then time flies by, a sense of contentment, perhaps complacency creeps in, not enough that it causes great problems but i admit if im not kept on a tight proverbial leash i tend to after a while start pushing at those boundaries, and although he puts a stop to it...it can start escalating, behaviour deteriorates, i get antsy.

As of late it seems he has gotten more stricter...which i really didnt think was possible!, but i wander if thats just my perception and in actual fact its my behaviour that has got out of hand....im more inclined to think thats the case.

There has been incidences over the last 6 months or so where my behaviour has been appalling, and im ashamed of that, its needed drastic improvement, and he has been ensuring that it does improve, i feel like im having to 'earn' privileges...or perhaps im being reminded that the 'freedoms' i do have are not to be taken for granted because they can be taken away.

One size does not fit all

There has been a spate of posts it seems recently about punishment, Misty's in particular identified her thoughts about wanting punishment, and her conflicts with wanting it.  http://submissiontosubmissive.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/punishment.html?zx=74de7e2bb064e4b1

she writes

"I'm not talking of play punishment, I want a punishment that I don't want. That makes no sense, no sense at all. Is it a punishment if I want it?"

I dont think punishment is essential to ttwd, its dependent on the individual submissives needs, how the relationship works for both.....some need it, some dont.

We use punishment in our relationship, recently i had some conflicts with it myself, mainly this thought in my head that by now i shouldnt need to be punished, and that because i still i am (albeit not often) im failing.

After a lot of overthinking, discussion, debating, deliberation and going around in circles, i was prompted to think about how it would be if he decided that actually punishment would no longer be a part of our relationship.

And......i didnt like that thought, but yet i dont like being punished!

My thoughts are that although i dont like it, i need it and i want it, because i need the security, the comfort of knowing he will hold me accountable for my actions, if he were to do nothing, i would feel like he didnt care, and then i would really feel like im failing, that im not good enough for him to warrant helping me when i falter.

So it takes me back around to Mistys comment, as quoted above.

It makes sense, i dont want to be punished because it means i have disobeyed/displeased him, but i want it for the very same reasons, i need the slate clean, for him its simply actions have consequences, and i need to repent, i couldnt deal with the guilt and feeling sorry without it, punishment removes those feelings and allows me to move on....with a lesson learned.

It works for me, for us..mostly i would say for me, it may well be that he didnt use punishment with a previous submissive because they didnt need it, its pretty much like most aspects of ttwd..there isnt a one size fits all.

Dear parents....work, vanilla, rant!

Yesterday was just one of those days i was glad when the work day ended, parent/teacher meetings, i was sat in with the teachers for the children that i work with, there are always the inevitable PPs..what we call the problem parents.

We are not allowed to be honest, well rather words have to be chosen carefully.

You have the "my child is an angel, incapable of doing anything wrong, its always another childs fault, theirs is just misunderstood.

So you sit and try carefully to explain that their child can be quite aggressive to other children, using inappropriate language, and how can we work together to change this behaviour...and the response "oh, no, not my child, he/she is not like that at home, its other children telling tales, you should pay more attention to what the others are doing instead of blaming my little darling, they bully him because he is so sensitive"

Ahem..yes cough...splutter.  Dear parent, your child is a spoilt, undisciplined bully, that clearly has indulgent parent(s) that gives into their every whim rather than say no.

Nope not allowed to say that.

One poor teacher had a father get very aggressive with her, shouting and stabbing his finger into her chest, because he couldnt understand why his daughter was struggling with school work, why she is has been on the same reading level for months, exclaiming the incompetence of the school, the teacher, they are interested in whats going on with their child but will not listen to advice on how to help.

Dear parent, she is a lovely child, perhaps if you made the time to read her school book with her which she brings home every night, but it comes back to school every day unread (even twice a week  would be of benefit), perhaps you could take 10 mins out of your time to help her with her homework which is set once a week....oh but then its never brought back in..in fact the sheet that was given out in the first week back in September has not been seen since...maybe even help her with her spellings, its only 5 words a week!

Nope not allowed to say that.

Then you have the pushy parent(s), these are the ones that have great expectations of their child and failure on the childs part to meet these expectations are met with disappointment, the child is pushed hard, anything less than 100% is not acceptable, they want their child pushed harder, more homework, they dont come to school to have fun!

Dear parent, your child is 7 years old, they are not doing a degree, let them have a childhood its short enough as it is, the pressure your putting your child under is heartbreaking, the get distressed if they get something wrong, usually because they know they face your disappointment.

Nope not allowed to say that.

Ahh the "its so much effort" parents, you have to make sure they have the first appointment so you can catch them as soon as the school day is over, even then its a huge effort "well make it quick, im busy", there not really interested in how their child is getting on, its the schools job to educate them, not ours, what they get up to at school has nothing to do with us.  They dont attend school functions, plays etc, and its probably best to make the most of what little input they have because as soon as the child reaches the juniors and doesnt need to be met at the door....you wont see them again unless its absolutely essential...and they will moan at the inconvenience.

Dear parent, i appreciate you may well have a busy life, but if your going to have children, make time for them, your child will thrive so much better if they have your support and interest...and its nice for them to have their parents see them at school plays, sports day's...and its heartbreaking for us to see their faces fill with disappointment when they are looking out for mummy and/or  daddy....and they are never there.

But nope not allowed to say that.

Thankfully these parents are the minority, most generally are interested, they want to know how their child behaves, how they are getting on, do they need help, what can they do etc etc

Generally the ones that moan about the school or the teacher are the parents that fit into one or the above categories.

Hello down there, are you listening?

I can understand why many people dont understand it, i couldnt understand for a long time, still not sure i really do 'get it'...i just deal with it better now.

"whole other story" of struggling with masochism.

In the earlier days it used to bother me a lot that i would respond so well to not just s/m but also humiliation, what bothered me the most is when my pussy would get so very wet but yet every other part of me, didnt want it, the bitch down there would betray me, still does every time.

I would get so infuriated with Master because i couldnt seem to get through to him that i really didnt like what was happening,  he would simply feel between my legs, hold up soaking wet fingers, look at me and say "really?" and thats what got to me, i couldnt understand why i would respond like that....to Master its very simple "your a masochist, embrace it"....well yeah i need more explanation than that!

And this is where i struggled, shouldnt masochists enjoy it on every level?  now im not saying i dont, i enjoy many elements of s/m but for sure there are bits and pieces i really dislike, particular implements, when im really not in the mood....and the bummer of all this is, its those times im even more bloody turned on down there!

As a sadist he loves it, most especially when the bitch down there is soaking and yet im crying, screaming, begging for him to stop, and he would and still does taunt me as i orgasm from the torment my body is experiencing "oh I think your liking this too much bitch" no, no im not, i cant help it, its like my pussy is detached from me, has a mind of her own..she is loving it but im not.

Now, a few years on, im more accepting of it, cant say i always like it when she betrays me, but i have learnt to embrace my masochism, i do find it perhaps a little disturbing that i have these images in my head, nasty, sadistic ones, and slowly over time he pulls these thoughts out of my head and sometimes makes them reality, he loves that i have this devious mind.

Its a hard concept to explain, especially when i can outright state that im not enjoying something and want it to stop...and yet in another breath state that i loved it.

There are times that in those moments i do not like it, and i do want it to stop, its horrid, there has been perhaps a handful of times where afterwards i have just wanted to curl up and be left alone because in that moment i hate him, i hate that he could do this to me.

But what im really hating and having conflict with is that i know should these times not happen again i would miss them because in fact i do enjoy them on some levels...i love the fear, the taunting, the struggling, i just cant reason, face and admit these facts at the time.

So its easier to deflect blame onto him, its his fault, he has made me like this, he does this to me, i dont have a choice etc etc......its that or questioning myself, am i sick, twisted, what sort of person am i that enjoys having these horrid things done to me!

Reality is though, although he is a sadist he would not enjoy inflicting pain on a submissive that didnt desire it on any level, he knows i do even though i may protest at times, so its simpler not to overthink it, but embrace it, him and my masochism.

Its just the way i am.

Mr Grumpy

He is.

And im little miss learntokeepyourmouthshut  ...i do think that would make a great new character to add to the series.....and i would be the perfect person to model it on.

When i said many, many posts back about how keeping a blog, and having your Dom read it is a positive thing, coz its a good way of getting in ones head.....i lied.

Ok, so technically its a good thing, until you write something that they read (previous post) and they are in a grumpy mood and pick it apart...reading more into it than you meant.....and Master thats my job!

So he says on Sunday, out of the blue "for every pinprick that goes into the plug, 100 needles will be going into your cunt and tits"  umm pause, and rewind.....i said and i quote "i have been thinking...." its like i think about having a threesome with Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt doesnt mean im going to (i can fantasise though).

Now one would think at this point i would shut my mouth and let it go.....well yeah but i was tetchy from not enough sleep and before my brain engaged i replied "dont think that many needles will fit so ok, cant be that bad"  oh dear, oooh fuckety roo, that didnt go down too well at all......lesson here folks (well for me) when ones Dom is clearly not in a good mood, they are not going to take to well to smart ass comments, plus when ones Dom is a sadist it is most definitley not a good idea to suggest anything that they will take as a challenge.

Within 5 mins, after quickly assessing he wasnt seeing the funny side, i apologise for provoking him, but too damn late, "Ok, we'll find out how bad it can be" he states.

So sometimes i moan about his work, he sometimes got a lot of work on and is really busy......im not complaining now...busy is good, busier the better..equates to being tired and not up to much!

Im shitting myself (not literally, you know, but yeah you know what i mean, i hope)

but there is also this part of me that is excited...namely that part between my legs.

1am rambles

Well whilst the rest of the house are snoring their heads off, i have crept out of bed, i cant sleep, tried reading in bed but that didnt work, so i figured i may as well come on here and ramble, so apologies if no sense can be made of this at all...coz it is rambles.

I will get around to replying to comments on the last few posts....when im more 'with it'.....ok lets just go with when im properly awake as im not sure im ever really 'with it'....according to my darling children that is.

I went back to that therapist, to cut a long story short i wont be going back to see her again, we just clashed, i did offer anonymous (from a previous post) the job but i didnt get a response, so its back to the drawing board.

I asked Master if he was aware that the more women orgasm the more adventurous it makes them in bed, all the while hiding my crossed fingers in hope he wouldnt ask for the proof to back this claim up...he didnt, just replied "so does a good beating"....(i did make it up off the top off my head....hey im desperate!)

I think he needs to work on his PC (political correctness), clearly he saw my motive, that i was hoping for release....im not allowed to ask, its a case of if he chooses to allow me to orgasm or not.......its been a not for a while!

On a more positive note, i asked him if i could have my labia pierced (totally lil's fault for putting this back in my head again...its been on my mind since she did a post about piercing a while back) and this time i got a "find out what is around, and I will consider it" thats progress....so i guess its actually thankyou lil for making me think about it and bringing it up.

Im having a recurring thought of putting pin pricks in the inflatable butt plug (not the first time i have had these thoughts) but its weighing up the consequences if i do....im not sure he would see the funny side.....i do!

Had friends around for lunch today, got a bit carried away with the wine consumption, and the rich chocolate cake for dessert, blood sugar level through the roof, got a right telling off/lecture, made worse because i thought i had enough insulin to see me through to Monday, i havent.......tomorrow will be a visit to the hospital to get an emergency prescription from a doctor.

Still wide awake, going to see what shit is on late night tv.

Fantasise, experiment and experience

 "I want him to be sadistic, he isnt he doesnt like hurting me, he is dominant enough but I want more, how can you make them sadists, we are both new to this?"

I did chuckle at this sentence, no offence, it made me think of baking cakes and seeking out the perfect recipe to get the best results!....yeah i know i dont understand the way my head works either.

I think this is about compatibility and determining how important it is to you, i met my Master through a bdsm website so you sort of got the bare details upfront, so for example he clearly stated that he was a sadist so i think its reasonable to say that a submissive who did not enjoy pain and had no desire to try it, would pass on by, i wanted to explore s/m so he appealed to me.....was way more than i anticipated...but thats a whole other story lol

However, im assuming, please correct me if im wrong that this is an already established relationship before exploring ttwd, in which case the circumstances would be different.

Speaking from my own experience, when i got with my Master my experience was very limited compared to his, so its difficult to actually determine what i liked or didnt like because i simply didnt know, yes i could say what didnt appeal to me and what did, but mostly it was a lot of curiosity.

In the beginning we worked around what i knew i enjoyed , what i was curious about, talked about fantasies i had etc, basically giving me the chance, to experience and this opened up more curiosities and well as time went on i became more at ease and even loved what i once was fearful of, and sure i wouldnt enjoy.

In your shoes, i think i would be inclined to go at this from the same way, talk about what you both enjoy, you say he doesnt like to hurt you, but have you put it to him that you enjoy exploring pain, so although it hurts, its processed in a different way.

For example, being a masochist i do respond to pain in a sexual way, i enjoy s/m, but if i stub my toe its not a pain i take any enjoyment from.....so pain is variable..if that makes sense.

Its really down to communicating to each other, perhaps the willingness to explore fantasies, role playing...go from there, sometimes we just need bringing out of ourselves what is hidden, for a long time i struggled with my masochism, it just made me uncomfortable realising that i enjoyed being hurt...again thats a whole other story.

However, i do also believe that really you cant make somebody something they are not, not all dominants are sadists and by the same token not all sadists are dominants, so perhaps the biggest question is...is how important it is to both of you, and dealing with it if indeed this is something you cant compromise on.

Soggy sheets and well im glad he pushed me here

Not bedsheets...you dirty minded people lol

I was lying in the bath, chilling out, searching for something i had wrote in my journal a few months back, and dropped the damn thing in the bath....yes my own fault, i should know better, its not the first time, well not with the journal..but ipod, and a few books have had a soaking before.

I dont think it can be saved, but i have put it in the airing cupboard in hope, i could kick myself really, my journals are important to me, i have kept one on and off (off for many years) since i was 13, my grandmother having bought me my first one for my 13th birthday.....im thinking of buying my daughter her first journal for Christmas, she enjoys writing.

Its odd because when Master set up this blog for me, i wasnt enthusiastic about it, i had my journals, they detailed and do still detail more than what goes in here, so i simply didnt see the point, what was there to gain?

I didnt like the idea of having people know my thoughts, complete strangers getting a glimpse through our windows, i worried about what people might think especially when i first started blogging, and i was conscious of what he would think.....for some reason with the private journals i wasnt concerned in that respect....perhaps its just that this is public.

But im glad he did, for so many reasons, all of you, those i follow, who follow me, the laughs, the support, the discussions that we have had from posts i have written, others have written....the inspiration for ideas, the ideas i dont want him privy to lol

I remember feeling and thinking that this M/s (or ttwd) can be quite lonely especially if one isnt active in a local scene, perhaps lonely isnt the right description, but its restricting in having someone else that you can relate to, that can understand.

Im thinking of this now, because what i was searching for in my journal was something i had written about my reasons for blogging....because i was wanting to give it up, i didnt see the point anymore, i gave good arguments on why i should give up.

Then im reminded of why i actually do blog here, and i have to admit that once again Master knew me better than i knew myself....i needed this and i still do.

Give me the bottle

Spoonfuls??? no...i have been taking a whole damn bottle daily.

I dunno my mood of late hasnt been that great, been stewing on things, making mountains of molehills, and being a complete bitch...all because i feel wronged/hard done-by and he isnt being fair.

Sometimes i just cant see reason, it takes time for me to get my head adjusted to his reasoning's, and then i get infuriated with him because he cant see my point of view..the irony at the time lost on me that im actually not even prepared to see his.

Then when it does all 'click' usually after a lot of reflection on my part, sometimes i need to get there on my own (with some helpful insights, thank you),  i feel guilty that i have indeed been such a bitch.....its my mouth that gets me in the most trouble, more specifically engaging it before thinking through......spending long periods of time in a gag...one would think i would be cured of this.....sometimes i just dont learn the easy way.

On my soapbox

Many bloggers that i follow have wrote posts at some point touching on the subject of the difference between abuse and D/s, and indeed what could be considered abuse in a D/s relationship, im pretty sure i have wrote about it myself a while back.

I think what is important however to bear in mind when broaching this subject is that often what could be perceived as abusive isnt necessarily the case....just because one might read something that they find disturbing and have the opinion "oh we dont and wouldnt do that!" doesnt mean its abuse!

So when i come across a blog (been browsing blogs i dont follow) that writes an account of what they deem to be an abusive relationship and some of the points they make to emphasise that its abusive behaviour are in fact things that do occur in my relationship....it pisses me off quite frankly.

I like having my face slapped, it makes me all hot and wet, someone else may not like it, may not even agree with it and thats ok..coz hey we're all different right?

I thrive on being controlled, i need it, perhaps its a level of control someone else might think is too much, think its suffocating, and thats ok coz hey we're all different right?

I absolutely get that sometimes it hard to understand what goes on in other peoples relationships, heck i cant get my head around the concept of 'adult babies' or is it 'littles', i just dont 'get it' and its not for me, but i dont think its abusive, im not going to be writing anytime soon about warning people off that type of relationship or doing those things...because we dont do that!

Off my soapbox.

Being grateful

Yes i am so very grateful that he observed "see you can be good" , it took every inch of willpower to keep the sarcastic thought running in my head from spouting out of my mouth, so i gulped down a mug of coffee instead, silently fuming.

Im still fuming, even though he allowed me an orgasm earlier....guess i should be grateful for that as well.

Sometimes i think this whole being good is over-rated....when i am, i shouldnt expect acknowledgement, because well the reward is in knowing that im being pleasing and obedient...but yet when im not good....thats always picked up on and acknowedged.

*sigh* im going to vent my frustration out on cleaning the bathroom.

The things we say or dont say

Back to rambling, posting 2 kink sessions on a trot is a rarity for me, in all fairness though they are the exceptions to the rule..sessions like those.....besides the appeal to go into all that isnt there anymore, the blog has sort of moved on.

Its funny how relationships shift, change direction and sometimes it happens without it really being a big deal, its not noticeable rather it just evolves that way naturally.

S/m used to be so very important to me, to both of us, and for sure we both still enjoy it but its not as a big a deal as it used to be, it can be weeks, sometimes much longer before we have a 'heavy' s/m session, although there are moments that yes i do crave a good beating, i dont as much as i used to.

Something he said to me recently bothered me, i was pestering him for a caning, started off hinting to being very blunt and begging outright for one, he quipped "is that all I am to you, someone to hurt you?" ok so i know he said it in jest or at least i hope so, but its played on my mind.

Actually that, what he said hurt me, maybe im just being overly sensitive and doing the usual over analysing, and i know im not one for expressing how i feel especially when it comes to letting him know how i feel about him, i take it for granted that he knows and thats good enough.

But then he isnt actually great at it either, he is quite stoic, he isnt an easy man to get close to.

He can be quite 'cold' in his bluntness, we had been together perhaps a year or so and i recall him making it very clear to me that im his slave first and foremost, not his lover, friend or partner, my main purpose is to be obedient and pleasing..yeah im going to be having that etched on my gravestone!

That harshly put me right in my place, leaving no misunderstanding to where i stood.

I suppose from my point of view i see him as my Master before anything else...but

something shifted with us in the last couple of years, i cant say what exactly, maybe dare i say it we are 'comfortable' with us and how we work.

I do love him very much as a man, i enjoy the kink, but would give it all up tomorrow as long as i had his control...that i freely admit i do need and i know he needs to give it, i also know he loves me too,  we dont say it to each other very often...its just not the way we are.

So dear Master, what you are to me is everything i need and want, always will be.

Captain Hook

Reading over at Misty's blog http://submissiontosubmissive.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/help-me-out.html where the discussion was talking about implements, restraints to buy etc, the anal hook came up.

http://www.extremerestraints.com/bizarre-butt-plugs_7/the-anal-hook_2029.html

You only have to type anal hook into google images to see the ways in which it can be used, its great fun when incorporated into a bondage session, i wouldnt say its painful, perhaps uncomfortable, stimulating definitely.

I said i would ponder over writing about a session Master and i had with the hook, so yeah well i will try to give it justice....because i know it can look a bit intimidating but it is really fun...ok that might depend on how you define fun lol

Master had me standing, arms apart and stretched up, my hands secured to a bar on the suspension rig, a spreader bar attached to my ankles, i enjoy this particular form of bondage because im completely exposed to him, vulnerable to whatever he decides to do to me.  He inserted the anal hook (plenty of lube) and threaded rope through the loop at the top of it, tying the other end of the rope to the bar where my hands were secured....so the effect is somewhat of being impaled onto it.

I still have some movement, but what movement i can make makes me very aware of the hook, there is no forgetting its there, and its a nice sensation, different to butt plugs, although im struggling to define how.

He starts with a flogger, working it over my body, not overly hard, sensual more than anything, naturally i move my body, aroused, and the instinct is to try to 'fuck' the anal hook, which is near on impossible they way im secured.

Its uncomfortable at first, niggly, and i find the sensation is similar to having an itch that you want to scratch but cant reach it so every movement is torment.

After the flogging he removes the spreader bar from my ankles, so i have more movement, and its an odd feeling because other than my hands being secured above me, its like im balancing/swinging on the anal hook, i can use my movements to manipulate the hook a bit more.

He picks up a whip now, striking me hard on the back, unexpected i jolt forward as much as is possible, but the hook makes it presence very aware now, not painful but niggly enough to make me want to keep as still as i can...its funny how i have gone from wanting movement but not being able to move how i wanted...to having more movement but trying to keep it steady.

Just to be even more mean, he adds nipple clamps and weights, so now i have even more reason to want to try and keep still, which naturally he is going to ensure thats not going to happen, the whipping continues, im aroused by the sensations of the hook movement and its sort of balancing out between pain/pleasure.

Yeah great fun....hmm been too long since the hook has come out to play...i think im going to have to go do some begging.

The air that i breathe..is yours

From the draft folder....July 2010

Im naked when he cuffs my hands behind my back, then he puts the full rubber hood on me, encasing me in darkness, just 2 thin nasal tubes to breathe through, he leads me to a chair, legs apart, secures me to it, im nervous, scared, excited.

Whap something strikes my tit, i think the riding crop?  not expecting it, i jolt as much as i can in the restraints, and he starts a pattern, the blows going from one tit to another and it hurts, im trying not to cry out but its too much.

He stops, im panting, trying to keep my breathing regular, its more difficult with this hood because its so restricting just being able to breathe through the nose, he's waiting, i think for me to compose myself, for my breathing to settle down.

His hand grabs my tit, and then there is just this sharp pain as the needle pierces my skin, then another and another..on and on, he pinches my nipples, i know whats coming, im not keen on needles in my nipples, my breathing gets heavier, im whimpering, the hood doesnt make me very clear so im not sure if he can hear me asking, pleading for him not to.

He pushes the needle through and i scream, im starting to panic now, all these senses, the stimulation too much, his hand reaches between my legs, i hear him chuckle...i know..im dripping, he rubs and im so close....just a little bit more..please

But his hand pulls away, i sigh, irritated, and his hand goes to my other nipple, i can do this, well i dont have a choice, through the needle goes, i scream again, surely he will give me release now!

I cant breath, he has grabbed the nasal tubes, squeezing them, his other hand between my legs, he lets go of the tubes, i let out a breath before he squeezes them again, release, squeeze, rubbing over and over before i climax.

He removes the hood, i look down, the needles look so good, especially the blood, god i love the blood, especially as he removes them and it trickles down, i prefer to remove them myself..im just more gentle!  plus i do get a kick out of it....its almost as good as when they go in.

When they are removed he stands, his cock thrusts into my mouth, eagerly i lick, im ready to cum again, im struggling to take it all, but he isnt concerned, even when im pretty sure im going to be sick, im really not getting this deepthroating to come together....but im working on it.....he pulls out, im pretty sure i dont look a pretty sight, drooling, coughing and spluttering before he rams it back in, his cum shooting down my throat.

Yeah i think i could get to like breath play.




.

Being obedient and pleasing.

Those are his expectations of me, they always have been from day one, they are the embodiment of which everything else is based around in my submission to him, and i really do try to focus on this, especially when i struggle....and as much as i dont like to admit it when something is not going the way i want or think it should be.

Lil's post got me thinking http://submissivesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/be-careful-what-you-wish-for.html?zx=cac16c4c3f396cfe , triggered by the thought of how one adjusts to submitting to our Dominants, how one adapts to our idea of being submissive and submitting to them when it isnt in align with what they want and expect.

I would like to say nearly 8 years on from being with Master im well past this and well adjusted, not balking at his instructions, not seeking loopholes to get out of something i dont want to do etc but well i would be deluding myself.

Today is a prime example he said "I think you need more pumps" in respect of the inflatable butt plug (which is inserted every day)..now my logic is....

i chose to interpret this as not being an actual order or instruction, he is merely stating what he thinks, so therefore its not something i have to comply with...so i wont...thats my train of thought at that time.

But i would be failing at 'being pleasing' , deep down i know this....oh who am i trying to kid..not deep down..damn it yes i know it, but there is that part of me still that on occasion will look for a loophole..and i saw one in this situation, i could argue that he wasnt specific..an "I think" isnt a "I want you to....." is it?

Oh and i know him well enough by now to know his response without the need for him to say it....he will point out that my focus was on myself, because i didnt want anymore pumps because i dont like it.  So although technically i wouldnt be specifically disobeying him i wouldnt be pleasing him either, i would be pleasing myself and attempting to manipulate the situation to my advantage.

It never ends well, i certainly dont get any sense of victory out of this behaviour  so one would think...well why the bloody hell do it then? because one thing i do know (not think) is that the man just doesnt allow me to get away with it, he is strict and unyielding...and this is what i craved, wanted all those years ago.

Its what i got.

Which is all very good..until moments when i dont want it..but it is simply the way it is.

An interview with....

The bossman.

I read this questionnaire over on Del Fonte's blog, and although we are no DD i thought for fun and to add a twist to it, adapting where necessary as its aimed at submissive's perspective, i would grill the bossman.

Was there a certain event from your life, that sparked the spanking (adapted to D/ and bdsm) interest?  If so feel free to share.

BM:  At university,  I bottomed to an older woman, I enjoyed the exchange but wanted to experience from the top point of view.

What are you often called by your bottom/submissive/slave?

BM:  Sir or Master generally speaking, you bastard does crop up on occasions usually proceeded with "I hate you"

We're building a big spanko fire, which implement would your bottom/sub/slave toss in?

BM:  Dressage whip

We all know how many punishments there are to choose from, spanking, corner time, lecturing etc, but what about rewards? Do you have a favourite reward that is used?  If not what's something you would like to use as a reward?

BM:  The reward is in knowing she is being pleasing and obedient.

Whats that one phrase, that when its used, she knows she is in trouble?

BM:  Tori would probably say it's when I say "Is that right?"

What's something you would like to cross off your spanking bucket list?  Being shy is not an option here people.

BM:  All crossed off.

Someone comes to you and says there just starting D/s.  Whats the biggest piece of advice you can give them?

BM:  Communicate with each other honestly.

We talked about spanking bucket list, now let's get a little more into it, what about a bdsm style bucket list, what would you like to cross off?

BM:  Nothing for me personally but there are things I would like to eventually have Tori experience.

Is there a punishment you thought you'd never try, but ended up trying it and finding it effective?

BM:  Nothing comes to mind, I prefer to use a punishment that fits the crime when appropriate.

If you bottom/sub/slave could take a break from a rule for one week, what rule would it be?

BM:  It would take her a week to decide what rule.

If you messed up and you offerred to let you bottom/sub/slave spank you, would she? why/why not?

BM:  She wouldn't, Tori would find it too distressing if I was to offer let alone consider it.

What is your favourite form of aftercare for your bottom/sub/slave?

BM: Laying in bed much later, talking it through.

If you could only use one implement here on out, what would it be?

BM: Cane.  Tori's favourite.

Dont keep still..you might get labelled!

well anyone who has children will most probably relate to this (although i wander if its a girl thing more than boys, because i didnt have it so bad with my son) anyway, toddlers, you know give them a box of crayons..in fact just a pen will do, you could give them an endless supply of paper...but

its still more fun to draw on the floor, walls and furniture, ..oh and themselves, they do eventually grow out of this...then or as it was in my case they discover stickers..and now instead of colouring in your carpet with black permanent marker pen, everything gets covered in stickers....even the poor old dog innocently sleeping his bed!

But they eventually grow out of that too, few years go by and just when you think that your furniture, walls, floors and the family pets are safe some well meaning friend gives my daughter a handheld digital labelling machine with extra cassettes.

I didnt think nothing of it, in fact i thought how handy it would be...

then i got home after working a little later, head straight into the kitchen to start dinner..open the cupboard doors and....

all the cans, jars and bottles that had peelable labels have been stripped of said labels and are now displaying a little strip from the machine saying whats in it....ok i did chuckle..then my son walked in and said "mum..thats not the worst of it..look around" and i did

the dishwasher now proudly displays a label "dishwasher", the kettle..is labelled..yes you guessed it "kettle" and they join the toaster, microwave, coffee machine, fridge heck even the toilet roll holder in the downstairs toilet now knows what it is.

I didnt really want to venture into other rooms to see if they had been attacked as well...mercifully they escaped, after the kitchen and toilet she went upstairs to label her room....

to which i went up to and sure enough there she is with stuff all over her bed, labelling it...i didnt give her too much of a hard time, but i made it clear that at 11 years old she should have thought about really did the kitchen need labelling....we had a giggle..she is still a child after all..but good god whats next

graffiti.

Withdrawing consent

"Is it ok for a slave to ever withdraw consent?"...anon.

Yes i think so.

However withdrawing consent is not something to be taken lightly, such as being used as a 'get-out' because one doesnt want to submit to something, but i guess perhaps it depends on whats acceptable within an individual relationship.

For me to withdraw consent it would have to be for very good reasons..such as

my Master not being in a fit state of mind (perhaps due to illness, alcohol) to make sound judgements.

my responsibilities to my childrens welfare threatened in any way ....i may be his slave but im a mum and for as long as they are dependent on me in the respect of them living at home....they come first...so something like hitting me in front of the children and/or exposing them to things they shouldnt be.....children need a safe/secure/loving environment.

* just to add in respect of above, i dont mean accidental incidents such as kids walking in when your having sex, or finding an implement etc....heck these can happen*

disregarding my emotional and physical welfare (outside of a 'scene') ie constantly or an example could be him having unprotected sex with various people or expecting me to

Its really about SSC (safe, sane and consensual) or RACK (risk aware consensual kink..although perhaps this pertains more to bdsm activity than the relationship as a whole) but either fit, yes we both like a drink, if he has been drinking we dont 'play' well not in anyway that involves bondage or anything 'extreme' and its certainly not the time to be having serious discussions when alcohol is involved.

I trust him not to behave in any of the above reasons i gave, he has not given me any reason not to trust him...but they are examples of circumstances that would make me withdraw consent and would have a huge impact on our relationship.

So, slaves (how you define that is up to you) contrary to myth or fantasy can leave, withdraw consent if circumstances call for it...anyway thats my thoughts.


*edited to add that i dont think withdrawing consent necessarily means the end of a relationship*

Actually

Im not finished..re the last post...ok so i know its been like an hour or so since i posted it....but

Yes..i have had more time to think and...

Im pissed.

Because, i really do feel that she has projected her thoughts onto me.

ok so yes i admit im not always a very confident person, but you know thinking all about what we talked about..and especially the end part about her observation about how i say "i think..." a lot....and then when i wrote my last post...i have been dwelling on it more....and im not a happy camper.

I think she has over analysed why i say "i think" a lot....and oh i know all about over analysing!

it has nothing to do with needing validation or a lack of confidence...maybe its just simply the way i am....i think a lot, yes i overthink a lot.....

and im damned if im going to be made to feel that i have 'issues' that i really dont think i do.

You know maybe its simply that i have a lot going on at the moment, i dont handle change very well but many more people have real problems going on in their lives, and by comparison mine are very trivial....and maybe the best thing for me is to go with my dear old grans saying which is

if thrown in the water, you either choose to give in and sink or you swim with all that you got..

im a swimmer.

i think......i dont think

I had my first session with a therapist this morning, and it was interesting, im not sure how i feel about it, but its early days.

Near the end of the session she asked me "are you a nice person?" and straightaway i replied with "i think so" and she pointed out to me that since the beginning of the session i have a tendency to preface a lot of my thoughts with "i think...." or "i dont think" in a manner that lacks confidence, that im seeking validation, that its ok to think what i do.

She has given me a task to complete before the next session, to list 10 positive things about myself that i know, that i have confidence in....and i havent started it yet.   Until this was pointed out to me i hadnt given it any thought, i suppose its become a habit, and i have been stewing on this since this mornings session.

And bloody hell, yes i do it a lot, when i talk to people, when i blog, reply to comments, comment elsewhere....but i dont think im not sure (there, that better!) its always because of a lack of confidence or needing validation...or rather i didnt think (ooops there i go again) that until she brought it up.....now im feeling paranoid...something else for me to overthink!

So now im going to be overly conscious of saying it or not saying it...ffs!

The dark side of the moon

I did not want to get out of bed this morning, tired, aching, sore all in a good way, alas the sore throat, runny nose and thumping headache was not expected, although im grateful it held off until today, so i lay in bed listening to the hustle bustle of the normal weekday morning routine going on downstairs, going over in my head the events of the weekend.

We had a good time, very good, an unexpected night out to see a Pink Floyd tribute band whom were brilliant, i loved it, lazy afternoon in bed being tormented and teased, after 3 months of being denied orgasms at one point i was begging for no more.....it was just too much.

Anyways much of the weekend has gone into my private journal, not because of anything bad, it was all very good...even the parts i didnt think was good at the time, i am one very happy content slave, lets just leave it at that.

Master was in a playful mood, and much to my surprise (and i think his!) i was very good, i did as i was told, ok there were a few moments of needing 'encouragement'.....which is not necessarily positive encouragement "well, I could always put the really thick needles through your nipples" which i really hate so that tends to get me motivated.

But there was a lot of playful banter, its nice to not have to always be so serious, to be able to mess around, calling him a "sick twisted nasty bastard" (in my defence its an accurate description) when im naked and vunerable felt really clever at the time....its when he demonstrates what a sick, twisted, nasty bastard he is..that i realise its perhaps not too clever...but i suffered deliciously...and on the plus side he takes it as a compliment!

Alas lying in bed is not an option, normal service must resume....and thats ok, because i love our 'normal'.

Outside the box

I like being forced to submit to his will, to what he wants....

he likes forcing me, but on his terms.

If im told to kneel and suck his cock he expects compliance, and he gets it (no hardship there lol) other times

He may grab my hair, push me to my knees, or pin me down underneath him and ram his cock in my mouth when im not expecting it, he is taking what he wants

If im told to bend over the spanking bench he expects compliance other times

I may be grabbed, smacked down onto it and held down

If he does use force in this way its because its what he wants at that time..plus i absolutely love it, what he doesnt like is my resisting when im instructed to do something, he expects my compliance.

I gave him my submission willingly, when i agreed to this dynamic i trusted him not to abuse it, submission in itself cannot be forced, well it could but i would be inclined to say thats not healthy. 

But being forced has its place if indeed its what both enjoy, which we do..eg the examples above, when he does use force its not because he has to, to get me to do what he wants, we simply both get off on it in certain circumstances.

I suppose its similar to the idea of 'play rape' nobody wants to really be raped, but yet 'rape play' is a popular kink, its centred around the idea of being forced...although the reality is its wanted, its a huge turn on.

On rare occasions he uses force to gain my compliance because im 'genuinley' fighting whats happening, this is not often, and he doesnt like it, but i need it, he knows i need it more than i do, and eventually i surrender...

its similar to being caned (or spanked etc) where i need release, but i cant get there and i fight it, hold back tears and i want it to stop, cursing, kicking out, but he wont stop and eventually i get past the barrier and the tears flow, i relax and embrace it.

A welcome distraction

Ok so as much as i would like to say everything is ok and im over it, i cant as that would be bollocks, but i know its going to take time especially in dealing with the issues about my mum and my insecurity..but steps are being taken to deal with it.

Im not avoiding it, but all that stuff is going in my private journal, anyway im sure you would much rather hear about my broken tiles...yeah you know you want to.

There in the bathroom, 3 of them, as i sit relaxing in the bath i can see them, right in front of me and they are taunting me, i cant relax, its irritating me, so im on a mission to have the bathroom redecorated....ok i could just settle for re-tiling but i do love major room make-overs.

The problem is i do tend to go a bit overboard, the kitchen for example was just meant to be a new kitchen fitted....it ended up being extended, new flooring..basically the whole room....and the contractors hated me..coz i kept changing my mind about plans...one electrician threatened to walk off the job.....i ended up having to apologise.

I have been banned (for some time now) from buying Good Home magazine, because yeah i do go ott, but i see all these wonderful designs, room plans etc and i get ideas......they all panic when i get ideas..because it usually means disruption.

Its not that i like disruption, i dont..but to get the end result you have to put up with it...so now im scouring the internet looking at bathrooms....i have worked out that we could lose some of the bedroom as its big enough...and have the bathroom bigger.....

because those 3 tiles have to go!

Plan of action

*you know how little i talk about sex here, right now i would rather be talking sex, i want to get these posts buried, out of sight*

I hate self reflection, im not too fond of having to 'let it all out' but it does help...one would think i would have learnt this by now.....and this getting written out helps.

I felt like if i talked anymore about it all...i will go bonkers, i didnt want to, but avoiding it wasnt going to happen.

Im not stupid i know that avoiding confronting issues is not the solution, and ok yes i admit i feel better this morning than i did yesterday because the weight of keeping it all to myself has gone.

I have conceded that perhaps professional therapy is a good option, i still dont think im depressed, but i have faced up to the fact that i am insecure and its effecting me and those around me, a lot of it stems from family issues, and since what has transpired between me and my mum its all been brought to the surface...i have got worse....i just couldnt see that, until all this blew up.

So im going to give it a shot, doctors appointment booked to get it all in motion.

Im going back to doing yoga, i used to go twice a week but stopped a couple of years ago...going tonight.

Teenage son is a normal teenager, he is meant to hate me apparently, if he didnt im doing something wrong......millions before me have survived the dreaded teens....im sure i will.

I love the kink, the control, the sex but its the 'normal' stuff i love as well, that keeps it all grounded

lying in bed with him watching Family Guy, talking about stuff, disagreeing, debating, laughing, listening to him talk about work, his past, going on long walks, being the passenger in the car....its like he has a personality transplant once he gets behind the wheel..its really quite funny, trying to convince him he has an unhealthy obsession with Indian food....honestly 9 times out of 10 when we go out to eat its Indian!

This weekend (fingers crossed all goes to plan) is not a cure, it wont fix things, but its needed by both of us, my only focus will be surrendering to him, if i do fight it, i know he wont give in....he never gives up on me.

Clogging up the pipe

I keep a handwritten journal, many of my more private thoughts, moments go in there, not necessarily kink related it has more detail about my children, family, details that wouldnt be safe to go here..being as its in the public arena as such.

This (the blog) is helpful in a different way, and i want to say that i appreciate every comment, i value the thoughts, opinions of others..even if i may disagree lol and i most definitely appreciate the support when im on a 'downer' so thankyou...all of you.

After a lot of discussion, and self reflection the triggers that have prompted me to have these feelings are a bit more clearer.

*i went to the doctors on Tuesday, he diagnosed me with depression, i dont believe i am, i dont think im in denial either, i wont be taking the prescription he gave me, nor seeing the therapist he recommended, i do admit that im finding it difficult, more than i imagined i would to adjust to my mum not being in my life, i see her, she sees the children but she doesnt acknowledge me....im not as ok about it as i was so sure i would be.

*i got it into my head that im a fraud, that im not submissive, i dont come accross as submissive, i dont have the apparent traits a submissive should have, and where all thats come from is anybodys guess.

*..life stuff..teenager stuff....its draining, worrying, upsetting constantly battling with my son...as far as he is concerned im just out to ruin his life

*Master is busy, really busy with work and so i have kept all this to myself because i didnt want to bother him, and you know those dog leads that can be extended to quite a long length?  well i feel like im on the end of one of those, and usually its not let out very far, but now its so far away that its harder to get control

*and all this has escalated, we have our weekend this weekend and we dont get them very often...anyone with children, work..will appreciate that getting weekends alone takes some planning..bit like a military operation lol....and i havent wanted anything to ruin that.

and what i need is this weekend, i need it but i have convinced myself i dont want it, i need to just escape and just 'be' but im frightened of how much of a fight im going to put up getting there.

Because giving up isnt an option

So.

I was not giving up, i just felt i needed to step away from here for a little while....but apparently blogging is good for me.

I let my emotions get the better of me and i said something to him that i shouldnt have, i told him i was going on strike (or words to that effect), and then just to make it worse i added "why? do you have a problem with that?"....with the attitude to go with it.

I know that here is my place to put thoughts down, its never been a rule that i have to blog.

I just felt that as i couldnt properly explain how im feeling, or indeed what has brought all this on, i didnt want to just do 'filler posts', nor did i want to end up with loads of depressing posts...because im shit at talking emotions.

i mean what am i meant to say other than im sorry.....when im not.

.

Thankyou for the comments on my last post, i will respond to them when i come back.

For now, i need time out from everything.

now more importantly be good...and if you cant be good have fun and stay safe

x

Just blank

a post thats well just because i need to try to get my jumbled thoughts down, and hopefully avoid confrontation, i dont want to fight against him.

You know when you feel like its not going to take much to send you over the edge into a full on emotional outburst (or as he would call them stroppy tantrums)?  well thats how im feeling.

Im putting it down to being tired, this week at work had been draining, staff shortages, and the new intake in the reception class has 5 children that identify as special needs and they all need to be assessed so their needs can be met, and it would be ok if it wasnt for the amount of stupid paperwork that goes with it....and the reality is the government is cracking down hard on funding and i know at least 2 of the children will not qualify...telling their parents that is difficult, it inevitably leads to the questions of "why is so-so's child eligible and mines not, etc etc"...its understandable

For once im glad he is busy, distracted, im getting on with what needs to be done, going through the motions, and thats about it.  I have these thoughts going on in my head, im feeling resentful, pissed off, ....certainly not in the right frame of mind to sit and talk about it rationally...if anything its a 'im not giving in without a fight' mood...and that never ends well....for me.

and i feel like my masochist button has been switched off, i dont want, desire any pain at all, and i have been feeling like this for over a week now, kept it to myself...yeah i know i preach about talking things through....well i dont want to talk about it.

Normally it doesnt take much to entice me, the mere suggestion of pain..instead of carrot being dangled in front of a donkey with me it would be the cane and im responsive, ususally im begging for pain, its my go-to, my 'pick-me-up'.

im a bit concerned about this, not felt like this before, not where im just not on any level wanting it, i feel like there is a part of me that has been blocked, locked up...not sure if that makes any sense at all.

Not that im superstitious...

Yay its Friday...that was my first thought on waking up.

Its been a long day, finished work, picked up my friends 2 year old that im looking after whilst she has a much needed date night with her husband, and had an argument with the pram.

Trying to get the damn thing folded to go in the car!....bloody hell what is it with the modern fancy prams..i swear one needs an engineering degree to get the damn thing folded, meanwhile the toddler is emptying my handbag all over the pavement.

Finally get home, where my son informs me that he is going to New York with his girlfriend in March....thats a battle i think i will save for tomorrow...something to look forward to...not.

and to top it off, i get home to find we have run out of coffee and the take-away i was planning to order from has shut for the night due to staff illness.

oh yes it is Friday the 13th isnt it.

Little Miss goody two shoes.

Thats what my mate called me, in a teasing manner.

Im pretty sure the bossman would not agree with that assessment lol...come to that, i dont agree with it either.

I did wander though if thats the impression i give off to them.

I dont think i come off as prim and proper, or a prude, (oh if only they knew!) but because of the nature of my relationship with the bossman there are circumstances that do make me uncomfortable, i dont partake in conversations that involve moaning about our other halfs, putting them down etc, and i wont engage in behaviour that he wouldnt approve of....even if he would never know....(which sometimes is their argument)

I would know.

There was a time that i worried that he would get bored of having an obedient slave, where would the challenge be in having someone that did as they were told all the time?....not that i needed to worry because umm yeah i have had my moments, and im sure there will be more of them..but ok yes  admittingly those moments dont occur very often at all.

Because its about respect, respecting his values, and he values obedience, and its about trust, i trust him to have authority and control over me.

I certainly wouldnt like it if he was slack in his dominance/control, i need him to be firm and unyielding, even when i think i dont want that..but thats probably when i need it most, if i want to thrive in his control, as i do, then its reasonable that its to be expected that i dont slack in my submission, my obedience to him.

He doesnt find my being obedient boring, he doesnt want his every decision, instruction etc challenged..its ebb and flow....i want/need/love his control and he wants/needs/loves to provide it.

Miss goody two shoes? no far from it. 

A woman that desires to please, to be controlled, to thrive under his ownership, to be 'pulled back into line' when i need it?  yes.

A question of asking for what you want

Although there is no guarantee you will get it anyway!

"how do you overcome the difficulty of asking for things, its so embarrrasing" 

Im not very patient, im also not very good at being still, i like anticipation but not when its dragged out, i still fall into a trap of wanting it now! unless its something i dont want of course lol....and i still have times of wanting to be dominated how and when i want it when im in the mood.

Oddly enough he doesnt like being told what to do, yeah dominants do seem to take issue of being told how to dominate..really wouldnt recommend trying it.

However that doesnt mean they dont want to know what we want, they do, or they should do in my mind....and due to lack of mind reading skills it means talking to them, opening up, it might be uncomfortable, it has been for me, i have been embarrassed about expressing my desires, what will he think of me!

Never has he made me feel like im a wierdo, even when i have thought it about myself, that the desires i have had and still have are wrong, eventually he has coaxed them out of me, got me to admit that i like things that previously i have protested i really dont like because i havent wanted to admit that i like xyz.

He doesnt like me keeping my thoughts, desires, needs etc from him, this blog (which he originally set up for me, and i was less than enthusiastic about) has been really useful, especially in the beginning because it was easier for me to write about what i wanted rather than have to spell it out face to face...the blog is a useful tool for both of us....it brings about discussion, and im long past worrying about what he might think about what i write...initally i was wary because i was concious of him reading it, now i dont think about it, i cant because it would effect what i write.   Honestly i would always recommend the benefits of the 'other half' reading your blog...they learn about you, what you think etc...more than you realise.

Ok, im rambling off in a different direction, get back on track tori!

Asking is or can be difficult, but by not asking you are holding back from them, denying them all of you, if you want to be dominated in the way you want and like, they need to know what you want and like, it might not mean you get it that instant but for them its knowledge and knowledge as is often said is power.

What they know about you, all of you is the most effective 'tool' they can have in their arsenal, not in any way to use against you but to tap into your desires, simply put the better they know you, the better they can effectively dominate you..and thats what you want isnt it?

How old am i?

Well im feeling a bit ashamed, i was rebuked by the bossman for wanting to know if i was better than his previous slaves, quite rightly he said its not a competition and we are all different....and i know that, i do.

I think better was and is the wrong term to use, but i picked up on his demeanour that this was not a conversation he was going to encourage and engage me in, and after the rebuke i dropped it.

I was dwelling on my last post (which i know i have comments to reply to, im getting there, they have given me food for thought) and this need to be everything he wants, i was looking for confirmation that i am.

Well i didnt get it.

But (of course there is a but) its no different to any normal relationship, where there is that curiosity about ones partners ex'es, isnt it normal to have that curiosity over what they were like? it is isnt it?....its like wanting to be told "yes the sex is better with you, its the best i have had" but then wandering if there only saying that to appease you.....well one things for sure i wouldnt get appeased with the bossman he would say it as it is.! wheras i want to know if they were more masochistic than me..i want to know if they could give him what he likes....maybe its best not knowing...i might not like the answer.

So why am i feeling like a scolded child?

because its childish i guess, i dont know, maybe its also not very dignifying (not sure if thats the word im looking for) and im thinking about greengirls comment on my last post and what she said about humility....which really got me thinking in relation to that post.

and i feel ashamed because wanting to question him and be told i am indeed better isnt very humble is it?

and really does it matter? no it doesnt, i know that.

Mumbles of whats to come

The bossman has an itch that is looking to be scratched, i sensed it, then he confirmed it, sometimes his need to hurt me is overwhelming, most of the time s/m is mutual enjoyment, then there are times like these when i know im going to suffer a lot, it will be about him, the sadist needs to sated.

The children will stay with their dad, or their friends for a long weekend, so im completely at his mercy and im torn between being excited but apprehensive, fearful as well because i know him at these times, i know its going to be rough.

I do love it, i wont bullshit about that, i just dont at the time, not the pain...its going to be more than im comfortable with and thats what makes me nervous, i suppose what i love is is the whole being broken down, to be stripped of any dignity, using humiliation and degredation he will dehumanise me so im a blank canvas ready to be 'worked' on.

The last time seems such a long time ago, since we 'played' really hard, well it has been a long time...work, kids etc..it takes a lot out of me and him, and i know from experience that it will be ok, i will be ok afterwards when he is sated, i bask in the after-effects as i 'come down', i like before and i absolutley love the after its the inbetween.

It just makes me, (and i know it shouldnt) think that i wish i could be more than i am, in the respect of masochistic, because i cant handle him at his worst, i have never experienced him at his worst..this will be just a taste of how sadistic he could be, and to be fair i think he is ok with that, he has never said other wise...but i just feel that i should be able to give him everything he needs and wants...and i feel a let down because he has to hold back.