There has been a spate of posts it seems recently about punishment, Misty's in particular identified her thoughts about wanting punishment, and her conflicts with wanting it. http://submissiontosubmissive.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/punishment.html?zx=74de7e2bb064e4b1
she writes
"I'm not talking of play punishment, I want a punishment that I don't want. That makes no sense, no sense at all. Is it a punishment if I want it?"
I dont think punishment is essential to ttwd, its dependent on the individual submissives needs, how the relationship works for both.....some need it, some dont.
We use punishment in our relationship, recently i had some conflicts with it myself, mainly this thought in my head that by now i shouldnt need to be punished, and that because i still i am (albeit not often) im failing.
After a lot of overthinking, discussion, debating, deliberation and going around in circles, i was prompted to think about how it would be if he decided that actually punishment would no longer be a part of our relationship.
And......i didnt like that thought, but yet i dont like being punished!
My thoughts are that although i dont like it, i need it and i want it, because i need the security, the comfort of knowing he will hold me accountable for my actions, if he were to do nothing, i would feel like he didnt care, and then i would really feel like im failing, that im not good enough for him to warrant helping me when i falter.
So it takes me back around to Mistys comment, as quoted above.
It makes sense, i dont want to be punished because it means i have disobeyed/displeased him, but i want it for the very same reasons, i need the slate clean, for him its simply actions have consequences, and i need to repent, i couldnt deal with the guilt and feeling sorry without it, punishment removes those feelings and allows me to move on....with a lesson learned.
It works for me, for us..mostly i would say for me, it may well be that he didnt use punishment with a previous submissive because they didnt need it, its pretty much like most aspects of ttwd..there isnt a one size fits all.
very well said, tori. i hate it. i need it though so that i feel the slate is cleaned.
ReplyDeletethanks, yes for me its mostly about the sense of absolution.
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I completely agree. I hate it but it allows me to purge the guilt for screwing up or disappointing Him.
ReplyDeleteyes, i dont want it, the punishment that is, but when i do disobey i accept the consequences (umm sometimes i will try to argue out of it lol) but the purging of guilt is essential for me.
Deletex
Hi Tori,
ReplyDeleteThis is very well said and I too agree. I too don't like it, but need the security of knowing that he will hold me accountable, that he cares enough to do so.
Hugs,
Roz
hi ya Roz
Deletethat need for security to know he will hold me accountable is something i took a long time to 'get' but oh yes do i need it, i need to know he gives a damn lol
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This makes pefect sense. Punishment sucks and yet it is something that keeps me feeling safe. While it sucks when master is mad or disappointed it helps clear the air when punishment is carrier out.
ReplyDeletethanks db, it took a while for me to make sense of it lol, but i couldnt cope with the guilt without having punishment in place.
Deletex
tori,
ReplyDeleteI agree, I want the slate cleaned, I want to feel forgiven.
Hug,
joey
yep i think, and it seems to the common theme that it is about having that slate cleared, to make amends etc.
Deletex
We used to do punishments, but over the last little while, he hasn't done any type of it really. I miss it yes, but I don't want to keep asking for something like that. If DH doesn't like it, or need it, I figured I would let it go for now too. Otherwise, not getting that part of ttwd, has brought me many tears, and I decided to not let that get to me anymore. (although that doesn't always work.) :)
ReplyDeletehi Julia
DeleteIt is difficult i think when one wants something that the other does not, but i think that this applies to most relationships in certain areas, compromise sometimes isnt attainable so one has to make the best of it.
Not ideal i know, but you work with what you have because the relationship is generally more than just about that 'thing'....if that makes any sense lol
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I find it so interesting that it's possible to find comfort in something such as punishment when the act itself is far from comfortable. I think it sounds... Wonderful and liberating.
ReplyDeleteYes....liberating pretty much sums it up..i like that word!
DeleteI dont like the punishments....well im not meant to, would defeat the point if i did (we dont do play punishments) but i do like the sense of atonement.
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i agree. our misdeamours need to be addressed, it shows that Master still cares and once the punishment is carried out we move on....no feelings of guilt or disappointment left although sometimes those feelings are punishment enough
ReplyDeleteThat is i think the most important part of the process....moving on past it, lesson learned....hopefully lol
Deletex
I think punishment is crucial, for me, or I would lose faith in His ability to lead and be in control. And IMO, for me, it should be something I do not enjoy... or I will end up needing lots and lots and lots of punishment, lol :)
ReplyDeleteyes!! absolutley..it would not be a 'true' punishment if it was enjoyed, but generally i think even if a punishment is of a physical nature its more about where one is mentally at that makes the difference.
Deletex
Very well put tori
ReplyDeletethankyou very much
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You explained beautifully what I never could. I want punishment but I want to please him so if I get it, it means I have failed so either way something is giving me anxiety. It's been so nice getting to know women who are like me. I can't see talking to my friends, family or coworkers about this stuff! It's not that I am ashamed but I tend to keep things private if I think someone won't understand. I'm getting off topic now but I appreciate you helping put my feelings into words....
ReplyDeletethanks, its difficult to get accross because its almost contradictory in terms....i dont want it, i dont like it....but i do want it and i do need it!
Deletenever mind about wandering off topic, im really guilty of that lol
yes this place (blogland) is wanderful, its just nice to know that all these feelings, thoughts, things we do etc is ok, other people are going through it, or have been
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Hmmm, thoughtful post, Tori.
ReplyDeleteWe do use punishments, but they are very, very rare.
I like how they serve not as "funishment" but correcting. and teaching.
Most of the time, a correction or a tad discipline suffices to bring me back in line.
I think this is such a hard topic for those of us s types who really aim for service, obedience, and the "full" power exchange. I mean, it would be easier if we were on the funishment or bratty side, in a way.
Yes. I loved this comment because it pretty much sums up my thoughts.
DeleteI dont get punished that often, not because im this perfectly well behaved slave lol but because i do strive for obedience, i need to please him, so that sort of validates why i need to be punished because when i dont, generally when i have simply outright disobeyed i really do need absolution.
Or i would beat myself up about it more than he ever could....i need it to move on.
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