Hello down there, are you listening?

I can understand why many people dont understand it, i couldnt understand for a long time, still not sure i really do 'get it'...i just deal with it better now.

"whole other story" of struggling with masochism.

In the earlier days it used to bother me a lot that i would respond so well to not just s/m but also humiliation, what bothered me the most is when my pussy would get so very wet but yet every other part of me, didnt want it, the bitch down there would betray me, still does every time.

I would get so infuriated with Master because i couldnt seem to get through to him that i really didnt like what was happening,  he would simply feel between my legs, hold up soaking wet fingers, look at me and say "really?" and thats what got to me, i couldnt understand why i would respond like that....to Master its very simple "your a masochist, embrace it"....well yeah i need more explanation than that!

And this is where i struggled, shouldnt masochists enjoy it on every level?  now im not saying i dont, i enjoy many elements of s/m but for sure there are bits and pieces i really dislike, particular implements, when im really not in the mood....and the bummer of all this is, its those times im even more bloody turned on down there!

As a sadist he loves it, most especially when the bitch down there is soaking and yet im crying, screaming, begging for him to stop, and he would and still does taunt me as i orgasm from the torment my body is experiencing "oh I think your liking this too much bitch" no, no im not, i cant help it, its like my pussy is detached from me, has a mind of her own..she is loving it but im not.

Now, a few years on, im more accepting of it, cant say i always like it when she betrays me, but i have learnt to embrace my masochism, i do find it perhaps a little disturbing that i have these images in my head, nasty, sadistic ones, and slowly over time he pulls these thoughts out of my head and sometimes makes them reality, he loves that i have this devious mind.

Its a hard concept to explain, especially when i can outright state that im not enjoying something and want it to stop...and yet in another breath state that i loved it.

There are times that in those moments i do not like it, and i do want it to stop, its horrid, there has been perhaps a handful of times where afterwards i have just wanted to curl up and be left alone because in that moment i hate him, i hate that he could do this to me.

But what im really hating and having conflict with is that i know should these times not happen again i would miss them because in fact i do enjoy them on some levels...i love the fear, the taunting, the struggling, i just cant reason, face and admit these facts at the time.

So its easier to deflect blame onto him, its his fault, he has made me like this, he does this to me, i dont have a choice etc etc......its that or questioning myself, am i sick, twisted, what sort of person am i that enjoys having these horrid things done to me!

Reality is though, although he is a sadist he would not enjoy inflicting pain on a submissive that didnt desire it on any level, he knows i do even though i may protest at times, so its simpler not to overthink it, but embrace it, him and my masochism.

Its just the way i am.