Thursday, 10 October 2013

On my soapbox

Many bloggers that i follow have wrote posts at some point touching on the subject of the difference between abuse and D/s, and indeed what could be considered abuse in a D/s relationship, im pretty sure i have wrote about it myself a while back.

I think what is important however to bear in mind when broaching this subject is that often what could be perceived as abusive isnt necessarily the case....just because one might read something that they find disturbing and have the opinion "oh we dont and wouldnt do that!" doesnt mean its abuse!

So when i come across a blog (been browsing blogs i dont follow) that writes an account of what they deem to be an abusive relationship and some of the points they make to emphasise that its abusive behaviour are in fact things that do occur in my pisses me off quite frankly.

I like having my face slapped, it makes me all hot and wet, someone else may not like it, may not even agree with it and thats ok..coz hey we're all different right?

I thrive on being controlled, i need it, perhaps its a level of control someone else might think is too much, think its suffocating, and thats ok coz hey we're all different right?

I absolutely get that sometimes it hard to understand what goes on in other peoples relationships, heck i cant get my head around the concept of 'adult babies' or is it 'littles', i just dont 'get it' and its not for me, but i dont think its abusive, im not going to be writing anytime soon about warning people off that type of relationship or doing those things...because we dont do that!

Off my soapbox.


  1. Amen tori! It's that all important distinction between different types of relationships and reasons why people do the things they do. Plus that good ol' consent factor. In my thoroughly unkinky marriage that would be abusive and I'd be outta here so quick of it did happen. And probably the case in most DD marriages as well, even though other forms of physical discipline are totally okay. But yeah, once you go deeper into Ds and beyond... then you can't even begin to generalize what is abuse and what isn't. Nobody knows what goes on between the two other than the two themselves. And clearly it gets your motor running, plenty of others too. I don't get it, nor do i want to. But I'm sure not going to judge or condemn something because I don't see the appeal.

  2. THANK YOU!!!
    this is perhaps one of the hardest concepts to get through to people who arent into the lifestyle.
    One girl, no matter how many times I explained I LIKE THE BRUISES AND WELTS its a badge of go out for me it's something I enjoy and I WANT to be controlled she kept apologizing saying she feels bad to see me getting hurt. But why apologize for me receiving something I greatly desire??

  3. Tori,
    Great post.
    But...many of us do engage in things in this kink/ttwd/M/s world that would scream abusive to those who aren't in these types of relationships.
    Consent and all the myriad complexities are a huge part of it.
    I have a soft spot in my heart for those in the DD world; BUT I get the most "flack" or confusion from these folks based on some of the things I write about on my blog....they too are in an alternative lifestyle and yet they are calling what I do abusive?
    Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense.

    I am curious to know more of the context of the blog you mention.
    I had to read the paragraph a couple of times to realize it wasn't actually a depiction of an abusive relationship you were referring to, but something someone was saying was abusive.
    By the same token, sometimes I am tired of explaining it all. But sometimes it is important to explain it all.

  4. I think the problem lies within the fact that, in general, people fear what they don't understand and that fear pushes them to fight the "problem" instead of accepting it and staying out of other peoples business. These people don't understand that anyone would want these things, nor do they 'want' to understand why, and therefore they have to make it out to be something horrible because that's the only way they know how to deal with it. It's very sad and very frustrating.

    On another note, people were taught to think this way so it's not entirely their fault.

  5. This is a great post Tori, our dynamic is predominantly Dd and I read a lot of blogs from those in a variety of different dynamics.

    I don't necessarily understand some things others do in their relationships, or why they desire it. However, I would never presume to judge or assume it is abuse. I sincerely hope I never come across as judgemental.

    While I may not fully understand, I actually learn a lot from these blogs that helps me in my own relationship.

    We all know what is right for our own relationship and, of course, the difference between whether an action is abusive or not is consent.

    I think unless you live this lifestyle it is very hard to understand it and that people tend to attack what they don't understand.


  6. Well said, Tori. I had hard limits when Daddy and I got together, which as sometimes happens are no longer limits at all, but others remain steadfastly in place. Even though they are not things that appeal to us, I can see when they feed the people involved, when they help them to unfurl into a deeper trust and connection, and there is beauty in that which cannot be denied.

    An aside, I am a little, and that has nothing to do with adult babies, or adult babies/diaper lovers (ABDLs), Being a little has more to do with TPE and level of trust.


  7. What float one persons boat will sink another. We are all different and have different dynamics. Neither is wrong. What bothers me the most (for you and other like bloggers, because I'm no where near you guys with "ttwd" so I don't get attacked) is the attacking from those who don't understand. And I have to second what Roz said. I learn a lot from blogs, even though I may not be just like them. I hope I never come across as judgemental, either.
    Great post, as usual...

  8. tori,

    I do not like to judge people. A few years ago I would have been upset with things I do today. Each person should be able to enjoy their kink with out being judged.


  9. Im going to cheat and do a comment to cover all comments lol

    I was in a right bitchy mood when i wrote this post, not that im going to apologise for what i said, as i absolutley stand by what i wrote but i think perhaps maybe i was overly harsh.

    I think i will try to tackle this again, especially as the comments have given me food for thought.


  10. each to their own tori...i love to look at the marks that i have so proudly the marks of the cane, the you its something i desire but dont feel i am being abused ....sometimes when something hits home one has to get on their soapbox...smiles

  11. If you feel the need, on your own personal blog, to insist that you are not abused...and, if reading someone elses blog, that discusses abuse, upsets you so much...then maybe you need to rethink things.
    I find it odd that you are so put out by strangers on the internet.
    Either deep inside you do worry that your situation borders on abuse, or you've allowed your lifestyle to stunt your maturity and can't handle what random strangers online say.
    Either way, I would recommend therapy. I've read most of your blog, and you do have a lot of issues. It seems that you try to use your lifestyle to block out all those issues. It's not healthy. Go get actual help!

    1. hey anon

      Well its my blog i figure i can write what i like, upset? nope not at all, was in a foul bitchy mood, came accross a post that just pissed me off and hence this rant.

      Its good to rant, and this is my place to do it.

      Is it odd that im put out? thats your observation, not mine.

      Do i worry that my situation borders on abuse? fuck no....i dont get enough abuse!

      Maturity stunted? yeah thats a possibility, im such an insecure, weak, beaten down person i couldnt possibly know myself better than a random stranger....oh but wait you have read most of my must know me better than i do...

      can you be my therapist?



    2. I think I love you tori! Lmao

    3. lmao.....well i have little tolerance for numptys.


  12. It's not actual actions, often, I think, that are abusive, its everything else that goes on around it - the context.

    So some people love being slapped hard in the face during sex/sessions in private, their partner knows this, so sometimes it happens - not, I feel, abusive.

    Some people have no particular love of being slapped anywhere at all, have never asked for it, it's never been discussed, out of the blue their partner slaps them in the face - maybe somewhere semi-public even, a restroom or while the kids are in the other room - abusive bells are going off in my head at least!

    The thing is, everyone has different things they can't tolerate. So some people LOVE their partner controlling their food a bit, serving their portions, ordering for them at a restaurant and not allowing them any choice, that kind of thing. There's been communication with their partner about it, their partner knows them well and their preferences and so they play with this in their dynamic.

    For me, anything to do with food/drink is a pretty hard limit - I have had food intolerances since I was a child, and for a long time they were pretty severe. I have to be careful and vigilant about what i consume and pay a lot of attention to how, where and what I eat etc. If a blog depicts food control, I find it JOLLY hard to read, and if there's no supporting evidence of communication, love and respect in the relationship I find it pretty much impossible.

    Another example comes to mind - it was a blog about a DD relationship. Her husband had been away, came back and there was some pretty severe physical discipline for her. Even objectively - and she was, very - it wasn't fair, he didn't stop to gather all the data or consider it, and in fact (eventually) he excepted that he hadn't been fair in meting out punishment at all, let alone to the extent that he did.

    Throughout her blog it became pretty apparent she didn't like punishment either. She neither liked the the physical aspects and sensations of spanking, for example, nor was she someone that needed punishment for closure or anything like that, in fact she pretty much hated the whole deal, but endured it because it was something her husband desired and needed. I couldn't carry on reading the blog because I couldn't understand why it wasn't being discussed more when it was so obvious that both their needs were not being met, they were both NOT thriving in the current dynamic. Whether it was just one of those things and he'd made the mistake of punishing before he was calm, or whether what was actually happening was that he was sadistic and she wasn't masochistic and he was dressing it up as 'punishment' and 'DD' in order to get some, I don't know, but either way it felt uncomfortably abusive.

    sorry to write a book, it's a subject I often muse on because, you know, I'm eternally curious and I love to try out new blogs. The number of times I've scuttled home (metaphorically speaking), tale firmly tucked between legs and practically in tears is too many, quite frankly!