Those are his expectations of me, they always have been from day one, they are the embodiment of which everything else is based around in my submission to him, and i really do try to focus on this, especially when i struggle....and as much as i dont like to admit it when something is not going the way i want or think it should be.
Lil's post got me thinking http://submissivesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/be-careful-what-you-wish-for.html?zx=cac16c4c3f396cfe , triggered by the thought of how one adjusts to submitting to our Dominants, how one adapts to our idea of being submissive and submitting to them when it isnt in align with what they want and expect.
I would like to say nearly 8 years on from being with Master im well past this and well adjusted, not balking at his instructions, not seeking loopholes to get out of something i dont want to do etc but well i would be deluding myself.
Today is a prime example he said "I think you need more pumps" in respect of the inflatable butt plug (which is inserted every day)..now my logic is....
i chose to interpret this as not being an actual order or instruction, he is merely stating what he thinks, so therefore its not something i have to comply with...so i wont...thats my train of thought at that time.
But i would be failing at 'being pleasing' , deep down i know this....oh who am i trying to kid..not deep down..damn it yes i know it, but there is that part of me still that on occasion will look for a loophole..and i saw one in this situation, i could argue that he wasnt specific..an "I think" isnt a "I want you to....." is it?
Oh and i know him well enough by now to know his response without the need for him to say it....he will point out that my focus was on myself, because i didnt want anymore pumps because i dont like it. So although technically i wouldnt be specifically disobeying him i wouldnt be pleasing him either, i would be pleasing myself and attempting to manipulate the situation to my advantage.
It never ends well, i certainly dont get any sense of victory out of this behaviour so one would think...well why the bloody hell do it then? because one thing i do know (not think) is that the man just doesnt allow me to get away with it, he is strict and unyielding...and this is what i craved, wanted all those years ago.
Its what i got.
Which is all very good..until moments when i dont want it..but it is simply the way it is.