Tuesday 22 October 2013

Hello down there, are you listening?

I can understand why many people dont understand it, i couldnt understand for a long time, still not sure i really do 'get it'...i just deal with it better now.

"whole other story" of struggling with masochism.

In the earlier days it used to bother me a lot that i would respond so well to not just s/m but also humiliation, what bothered me the most is when my pussy would get so very wet but yet every other part of me, didnt want it, the bitch down there would betray me, still does every time.

I would get so infuriated with Master because i couldnt seem to get through to him that i really didnt like what was happening,  he would simply feel between my legs, hold up soaking wet fingers, look at me and say "really?" and thats what got to me, i couldnt understand why i would respond like that....to Master its very simple "your a masochist, embrace it"....well yeah i need more explanation than that!

And this is where i struggled, shouldnt masochists enjoy it on every level?  now im not saying i dont, i enjoy many elements of s/m but for sure there are bits and pieces i really dislike, particular implements, when im really not in the mood....and the bummer of all this is, its those times im even more bloody turned on down there!

As a sadist he loves it, most especially when the bitch down there is soaking and yet im crying, screaming, begging for him to stop, and he would and still does taunt me as i orgasm from the torment my body is experiencing "oh I think your liking this too much bitch" no, no im not, i cant help it, its like my pussy is detached from me, has a mind of her own..she is loving it but im not.

Now, a few years on, im more accepting of it, cant say i always like it when she betrays me, but i have learnt to embrace my masochism, i do find it perhaps a little disturbing that i have these images in my head, nasty, sadistic ones, and slowly over time he pulls these thoughts out of my head and sometimes makes them reality, he loves that i have this devious mind.

Its a hard concept to explain, especially when i can outright state that im not enjoying something and want it to stop...and yet in another breath state that i loved it.

There are times that in those moments i do not like it, and i do want it to stop, its horrid, there has been perhaps a handful of times where afterwards i have just wanted to curl up and be left alone because in that moment i hate him, i hate that he could do this to me.

But what im really hating and having conflict with is that i know should these times not happen again i would miss them because in fact i do enjoy them on some levels...i love the fear, the taunting, the struggling, i just cant reason, face and admit these facts at the time.

So its easier to deflect blame onto him, its his fault, he has made me like this, he does this to me, i dont have a choice etc etc......its that or questioning myself, am i sick, twisted, what sort of person am i that enjoys having these horrid things done to me!

Reality is though, although he is a sadist he would not enjoy inflicting pain on a submissive that didnt desire it on any level, he knows i do even though i may protest at times, so its simpler not to overthink it, but embrace it, him and my masochism.

Its just the way i am.














26 comments:

  1. tori, i'm so tired of my pussy betraying me. every time i state i don't like it, please stop, no, etc, i get wetter or damn it, i cum. He does that Dom chuckle, questions me, then does the 'act' over and over. It always yields the same results too. He loves proving HIS point. i wish my body and mind would get on the same page. Like you, i have that devious mind. Also, He would not inflict the pain if He knew His sub didn't like it. i don't know why, but i so enjoy feeding His sadistic side.

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    1. I have given up on waiting for my mind to catch up lol

      Yes, i very much love feeding his sadism, for me s/m is far more satisfying than sex itself, i dunno its just more...well more!

      x

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  2. Mine does the same thing- when something hurts so bad I think I can't stand it, that is when it gets the wettest. :( Weird.

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    1. It is wierd, but i have come to terms with it for the most part, i cant change the way i am, nor would i want to.

      x

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  3. My M and I just had this conversation the other day. He knows there are many aspects of the pain and humiliation that I genuinely don't like and I asked then why do I get wet. I just don't get it? He actually gave me a reasonable answer this time...not the usual you are denying what you really like type answer. He believes that it is simply the act of yielding to Him that is the turn on for me. Makes sense to me I guess:)

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    1. Yep it makes sense.

      We have discussed it ourselves and my Master simply says he has only brought out of me what has been there all along, if it wasnt him it would have been someone else, so although yes a lot of it is him....im more inclined to think its the s/m itself, in the right environment with someone i love and trust compleltey.

      x

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  4. mhhmm, it's a traitorous bitch to be sure. Do I sound bitter? Lol.

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    1. lol yep but im totally getting where your coming from.

      x

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  5. Funny how our bodies betray us, or it is it the mind that does the betraying? Have not quite figured that one out yet.

    I relate to the hating of him during and after, though it seems he loves the fact that he can get me to hate him, and then be able to bring me back to loving him. Pisses me off lol Yet I would not have it any other way.

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    1. Hmm mind or body....im inclined to say its the body and the mind just hasnt quite caught up yet lol

      No i wouldnt change the way it is either, he tends to pay no mind to what he gets called in those moments!

      x

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  6. My level of masochism may not be in your sphere, but after a hard spanking I'm still surprised he can practically shove his hand inside me without lube..... He isn't though lol

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    1. I dont think it makes a difference what level of masochism someone has, the results are still the same lol

      x

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  7. tori,

    For me, I get hard just thinking about being whipped or tormented. I just embrace who I am and go with it. Yes, I hate the pain when I am experiencing it sometimes, but I come back for more because it is such a turn on.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. Yep it is just best to embrace it, took me a while to get to this point though, i tend to want explanations lol

      but the turn on....yes....on every level.

      x

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  8. Yes, it is the way you are. Your wet pussy tells you that. Hope you can accept it.

    FD

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    1. thanks FD

      Im more accepting now, i cant change the way i am, wouldnt want to.

      x

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  9. i've thought a lot about this recently, and I wonder if it's primal thing - the old fight/flight thing? I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie, in the past I've loved full contact martial arts, fast cars, jumping off things, anything dangerous, anything with risk... Managed risk, of course, but risk non the less

    well, TTWD gives me a similar buzz and kick - that fear in the stomach, mmm it's addictive! plus pain in this context is SO AROUSING at the same time, not just the 'omg I'm still alive' rush but also the yielding to it, to him, proving love and trust on both sides.

    So basically yeah, you're just made that way, over millennium of evolution!

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    1. I hadnt thought about it, in this perspective, but i definitley love this train of thought.

      I wouldnt have considered myself an adrenaline junkie, however i do like fast cars, motorbikes, im a rollercoaster fiend, having done all the big ones here in the UK and some over in the states....i love the thrill, the buzz, the fear....

      s/m gives me this as well, its much more satisfying though lol

      I note your profile is private, if you do keep a blog i would be very interested in reading it?

      x

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    2. oh i LOVE rollercoasters! We went on the samurai at Chestington (or was it Alton Towers? can't remember) when it was new, and as a kid on a school trip we went on the vampire at Chestington - first in the country to hang from the rails I believe.

      I do blog but it's private & just for him at the mo... I do keep ASKING if I can open it up so we can but hope!

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    3. ooh yes, i took my daughter to Chessington back in June or July, love it.

      It would be nice to have another UK blog here, we are it seems in the minority lol

      x

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  10. This makes me laugh... Not at your post. I actually read the post a couple times. It's nice to better get to know someone and their past in accepting things. It just reminds me of the first time sir gave me a real good cropping and was astonished that it got me so wet... I think his words were something like your so wet and I haven't even touched you yet! That makes me laugh a bit. Hugs!

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    1. laugh away lol

      I still find it somewhat mindboggling when i get so responsive, especially when im so sure i dont like it.

      But its all good.

      x

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  11. Hi Tori,

    I think you explained it really well ... the mind/body mismatch, the enjoying yet not enjoying it at the same time. So hard to wrap your head around isn't it?

    It makes sense to me that although we enjoy what we do, we don't necessarily enjoy every aspect of it. That's how it is for me. I agree with what has been said above that perhaps the turn on is in the yielding in these moments?

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. hi ya Roz

      Yes it is hard, i still like i said have times where i still cant understand it so i try not to dwell on it lol

      I do think that huge part of it is the surrendering to whats happening, to accept that fighting against it is futile...although sometimes the fighting against it is a turn on in itself lol

      x

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  12. This is not an easy thing to explain, but you did it beautifully. Well done!

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    1. lol its not, i edited, erased it all and started a few times until i was happy with it.

      Thankyou

      x

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