*you know how little i talk about sex here, right now i would rather be talking sex, i want to get these posts buried, out of sight*
I hate self reflection, im not too fond of having to 'let it all out' but it does help...one would think i would have learnt this by now.....and this getting written out helps.
I felt like if i talked anymore about it all...i will go bonkers, i didnt want to, but avoiding it wasnt going to happen.
Im not stupid i know that avoiding confronting issues is not the solution, and ok yes i admit i feel better this morning than i did yesterday because the weight of keeping it all to myself has gone.
I have conceded that perhaps professional therapy is a good option, i still dont think im depressed, but i have faced up to the fact that i am insecure and its effecting me and those around me, a lot of it stems from family issues, and since what has transpired between me and my mum its all been brought to the surface...i have got worse....i just couldnt see that, until all this blew up.
So im going to give it a shot, doctors appointment booked to get it all in motion.
Im going back to doing yoga, i used to go twice a week but stopped a couple of years ago...going tonight.
Teenage son is a normal teenager, he is meant to hate me apparently, if he didnt im doing something wrong......millions before me have survived the dreaded teens....im sure i will.
I love the kink, the control, the sex but its the 'normal' stuff i love as well, that keeps it all grounded
lying in bed with him watching Family Guy, talking about stuff, disagreeing, debating, laughing, listening to him talk about work, his past, going on long walks, being the passenger in the car....its like he has a personality transplant once he gets behind the wheel..its really quite funny, trying to convince him he has an unhealthy obsession with Indian food....honestly 9 times out of 10 when we go out to eat its Indian!
This weekend (fingers crossed all goes to plan) is not a cure, it wont fix things, but its needed by both of us, my only focus will be surrendering to him, if i do fight it, i know he wont give in....he never gives up on me.