Monday, 16 September 2013

Plan of action

*you know how little i talk about sex here, right now i would rather be talking sex, i want to get these posts buried, out of sight*

I hate self reflection, im not too fond of having to 'let it all out' but it does help...one would think i would have learnt this by now.....and this getting written out helps.

I felt like if i talked anymore about it all...i will go bonkers, i didnt want to, but avoiding it wasnt going to happen.

Im not stupid i know that avoiding confronting issues is not the solution, and ok yes i admit i feel better this morning than i did yesterday because the weight of keeping it all to myself has gone.

I have conceded that perhaps professional therapy is a good option, i still dont think im depressed, but i have faced up to the fact that i am insecure and its effecting me and those around me, a lot of it stems from family issues, and since what has transpired between me and my mum its all been brought to the surface...i have got worse....i just couldnt see that, until all this blew up.

So im going to give it a shot, doctors appointment booked to get it all in motion.

Im going back to doing yoga, i used to go twice a week but stopped a couple of years ago...going tonight.

Teenage son is a normal teenager, he is meant to hate me apparently, if he didnt im doing something wrong......millions before me have survived the dreaded teens....im sure i will.

I love the kink, the control, the sex but its the 'normal' stuff i love as well, that keeps it all grounded

lying in bed with him watching Family Guy, talking about stuff, disagreeing, debating, laughing, listening to him talk about work, his past, going on long walks, being the passenger in the car....its like he has a personality transplant once he gets behind the wheel..its really quite funny, trying to convince him he has an unhealthy obsession with Indian food....honestly 9 times out of 10 when we go out to eat its Indian!

This weekend (fingers crossed all goes to plan) is not a cure, it wont fix things, but its needed by both of us, my only focus will be surrendering to him, if i do fight it, i know he wont give in....he never gives up on me.
























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19 comments:

  1. Roz16 September 2013 at 12:50

    Tori,

    I have just read your last couple of posts also. I'm glad writing has helped you and that you have a plan and seem to be feeling a little better.

    I hope you find the therapy helpful and that the weekend goes well and that you both get what you need. Hang in there.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. tori17 September 2013 at 23:19

      Thankyou Roz

      Im meeting a couple therapists next week, i want to find one i can 'click' with so im not going to rush it but its a breakthrough admitting that i need it.

      thanks

      x

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  2. SirQsmlb16 September 2013 at 12:51

    Tori, it sounds like perfect plans - you are a woman of action and you can do it. I'm glad you KNOW he won't give up on you.

    HUGS,
    fiona

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    1. tori17 September 2013 at 23:20

      thank fiona

      The yoga made me realise how good it made me feel, although its been so long, i cant keep some of the poses held for very long lol

      he wont.....i know that...although how he does put up with me sometimes i really dont know!

      x

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  3. DelFonte16 September 2013 at 21:49

    Plan sounds good. It is positive and moving you forward. he won't give up on you. Having him as your rock is important.
    writing does help. I'm finding that out for myself. Not everything I write is posted.
    And I had to smile - my man only eats Indian out too and take-aways. I miss the odd Chinese.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. tori17 September 2013 at 23:22

      Writing is good, i keep the private journal because there are things i need to get down that are too personal/confidential to post in the public forum...and its a great way to sort through ones feelings.

      Bloody Indian...honestly does my head in lol..although im not a fan of Chinese so Indian works better for me than that.

      x

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  4. little girl16 September 2013 at 23:04

    I hope you have a wonderful weekend coming up! I

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    1. tori17 September 2013 at 23:22

      Thankyou LG

      I hope so, im sure it will be.

      x

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  5. ashebridge17 September 2013 at 00:54

    hugs tori! It took me going to quite a few therapists before finding one I clicked with. It's like a finding a new close friend, not everyone you meet can be a confidant. Another important thing to keep in mind is that depression and anxiety have a huge chemical component within our heads. It's not something we can rationalize and make better. For me, my anxiety can't be talked out. Most people can talk through stuff though. Medicine stabilizes the chemical reaction, so to speak. So enjoy the normal stuff and the kinky stuff. Helps keep the rest of it easier to deal with!

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    1. tori17 September 2013 at 23:25

      thank chickadee

      Im seeing a couple next week for the reason you gave, i need to be able to click with them otherwise whats the point.

      I really want to avoid going down the medicine route if i can, because i dont think i am depressed, i just have issues that i need to get worked out...with someone that is impartial.

      thankyou

      x

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  6. Anonymous17 September 2013 at 01:09

    Tori,

    I hope that you have a good therapist. They can help us deal with life.

    I have had one and so has LD for different reasons. We both were helped.

    Big hug,
    Joey

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    1. tori17 September 2013 at 23:26

      hi Joey

      Im hoping it wont be a long drawn out search for a good therapist..unfortunatley where we live is quite isolated so there isnt that many without having to look further afield but if thats the way it has to be im prepared for that.

      thankyou

      x

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  7. Anonymous17 September 2013 at 02:29

    Just sending you big hugs.

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    1. tori17 September 2013 at 23:26

      thankyou HS, they are very much appreciated.

      x

      Delete
  8. Renee Rose17 September 2013 at 07:07

    I hope you have a great weekend and I'm glad you have a plan to move forward. Hugs!

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    1. tori17 September 2013 at 23:27

      thanks Renee im feeling more positive about it today than i have been...im pretty sure it will be great.

      x

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  9. *Bonnie*17 September 2013 at 17:05

    Sounds like a great plan. I wish you nothing but the best!

    xo

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    1. tori17 September 2013 at 23:27

      Thanks Bonnie, i needed a plan of attack, avoiding it wasnt getting me anywhere.

      x

      Delete
  10. *Bonnie*17 September 2013 at 17:06

    Sounds like a great plan. I wish you nothing but the best!

    xo

    ReplyDelete

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