Well im feeling a bit ashamed, i was rebuked by the bossman for wanting to know if i was better than his previous slaves, quite rightly he said its not a competition and we are all different....and i know that, i do.
I think better was and is the wrong term to use, but i picked up on his demeanour that this was not a conversation he was going to encourage and engage me in, and after the rebuke i dropped it.
I was dwelling on my last post (which i know i have comments to reply to, im getting there, they have given me food for thought) and this need to be everything he wants, i was looking for confirmation that i am.
Well i didnt get it.
But (of course there is a but) its no different to any normal relationship, where there is that curiosity about ones partners ex'es, isnt it normal to have that curiosity over what they were like? it is isnt it?....its like wanting to be told "yes the sex is better with you, its the best i have had" but then wandering if there only saying that to appease you.....well one things for sure i wouldnt get appeased with the bossman he would say it as it is.! wheras i want to know if they were more masochistic than me..i want to know if they could give him what he likes....maybe its best not knowing...i might not like the answer.
So why am i feeling like a scolded child?
because its childish i guess, i dont know, maybe its also not very dignifying (not sure if thats the word im looking for) and im thinking about greengirls comment on my last post and what she said about humility....which really got me thinking in relation to that post.
and i feel ashamed because wanting to question him and be told i am indeed better isnt very humble is it?
and really does it matter? no it doesnt, i know that.
I know exactly what you are saying. :D When I asked DH that once, he told me though, that yes of course, otherwise we wouldn't be together. Which for whatever reason really stuck with me. Of course I am better than the last one!! :D
ReplyDeleteThanks, i wasnt sure if my mumbles would make sense lol
DeleteI think its just my low self esteem rearing its ugly head.
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tori,
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry. I was thinking of myself - not critiquing you. I so didn't have in mind any critique at all. I apologize.
No need to apologise at all, i knew you wasn't being critical of me.
Deleteyour comment gave me a lot to think about and it made me think that the way i was thinking wasn't displaying humility.
its the word humility that i think hit the nail on the head in relation to this post, i know how you meant it in the last post, im sorry for not making that clear...lol now i feel awful that you think i was offended lol
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tori, i think it's perfectly natural to have that curiousity and inquiring. i always wonder if His last sub left or if He left. i also want to know what He has always wanted to do, but no other sub has allowed and do it just to prove i'm better. i won't do it though because i dint want to fall into a trap that will hurt me emotionally, mentally, etc.
ReplyDeletejust know it isn't about age, it's about curiosity.
Yes i think it is, really deep down i know it doesnt matter, im with him now, all is good why rock the boat lol
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I agree with all the other comments. It is natural to wonder but it ultimately comes down to trust. Trust in yourself, him, and your relationship. Have no doubt that you are the one that makes him most happy or he wouldn't be with you:)
ReplyDeleteYep trust plays a huge part in it, i have to trust that he is happy with me, he says he is so yes that should be enough..im just curious....and we all know what happened to the cat lol
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tori, I ask questions too but he doesn't engage me either and it annoys me so much. I don't ask questions very often because I know he's not going to answer me anyway. I don't usually feel bad about asking though. hugs
ReplyDeleteI just feel bad for asking because i dont think it reflected well on me, not showing any humility, maybe i should just stop with the overthinking.
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I think it's normal to think about His past ex's. but I love how He handled it. Obviously, you've got what he likes, wants and desires. Are you better? Maybe, maybe not. I would say different in a good way. But really, does it matter? Nope. He's with you. :)
ReplyDeleteHope you're doing ok.....
I liked this comment it really summed it up..thankyou.
DeleteYep im doing ok thanks, its me having an insecure moment, and i hate it especially when there is no need for it.
thankyou
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tsk, name me a woman who hasn't wondered / asked / dug around about his ex !!
ReplyDeleteWe all do it. But I realise that it really does help when I get a satisfactory answer even tho they didn't quite answer the actual question.
I suppose it's enough to know that I'm good enough rather than having to be the best.
yes!!!
Deletesee it is normal isnt it, he just wont go there, which makes me even more curious lol
but yes it should be enough to know that im good enough, the best doesnt matter as long as i try.
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I think it's human nature to wonder as everyone says. Good answer from Him, but it doesn't make it any easier not to wonder....
ReplyDeleteIt is i think, i agree, no not easier but i have to just accept it.
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I am P's second wife. he never talks about his ex. I had to find out her name from my MIL. That is all I know about her. I've realised he doesn't want to be reminded of her and my curiosity serves no purpose. That doesn't stop me wondering from time to time and I decided she and I are so different there is nothing to compare.
ReplyDeleteIt is natural to wonder, but you two are happy together and that is what counts.
hugs
DF
Oh now see that would make me even more curious lol
DeleteIts natural to wander, i think its a female thing more than a male trait.....or at least it seems that way.
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ReplyDeleteYou are good enough...I'm pretty sure he's probably glad you can't take all the pain because now he can get you to that point on his own in time...
ReplyDeleteI deleted my above comment because I hit send to soon lol
Yep when i look at it from the perspective that i have come quite a way in the last few years i realise that i should just let it flow naturally..and when he decides.
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tori,
ReplyDeleteI am also guilty of this type of talk. I have asked Mistress if She plays with others. She does. Some take much more than me. I know that from Her.
But, She makes me feel that I have pleased Her with my suffering. For that I am very thankful.
So. I guess it is natural to wonder.
I have told my wife about my Ex-wife. And, I have assured my wife that she is my soul mate and I am totally over my Ex. We had a lengthy discussion about this before we married.
Hug,
joey
hi joey
DeleteThe bossman assures me that he is pleased with me so yes i should be thankful for that, when we used to play with others i would find that difficult...silly really but i was paranoid that he would find them more agreeable.
from what you have wrote about you and your wife its clear how much in love and secure you are.
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Hi Tori,
ReplyDeleteSorry I am late to this. I think it's only natural and that we all have that curiosity about ex's. Agree with Fondles too, getting a satisfactory answer doesn't always help.
((Hugs))
Roz
oh never mind being late lol
DeleteYep i think its natural to, i dont think men see it like we do!
thanks
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I think it mostly stems from wanting to know you're pleasing him as much as you possibly can; that he wouldn't be any happier with anyone else. Of course, insecurity plays a big role in it as well, and I think most subs/slaves (myself included) become so dependent on our Doms/Masters that we're often just trying to reassure ourselves that they haven't got any reason to leave us.. I can definitely relate to all of this though, and have never enjoyed being that head space...
ReplyDeleteYes i think a big part of it is the need to be pleasing, and needing tha reassurance that he is pleased with me, he has never made me feel im not enough...i know its me and my insecurity.
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