I keep a handwritten journal, many of my more private thoughts, moments go in there, not necessarily kink related it has more detail about my children, family, details that wouldnt be safe to go here..being as its in the public arena as such.
This (the blog) is helpful in a different way, and i want to say that i appreciate every comment, i value the thoughts, opinions of others..even if i may disagree lol and i most definitely appreciate the support when im on a 'downer' so thankyou...all of you.
After a lot of discussion, and self reflection the triggers that have prompted me to have these feelings are a bit more clearer.
*i went to the doctors on Tuesday, he diagnosed me with depression, i dont believe i am, i dont think im in denial either, i wont be taking the prescription he gave me, nor seeing the therapist he recommended, i do admit that im finding it difficult, more than i imagined i would to adjust to my mum not being in my life, i see her, she sees the children but she doesnt acknowledge me....im not as ok about it as i was so sure i would be.
*i got it into my head that im a fraud, that im not submissive, i dont come accross as submissive, i dont have the apparent traits a submissive should have, and where all thats come from is anybodys guess.
*..life stuff..teenager stuff....its draining, worrying, upsetting constantly battling with my son...as far as he is concerned im just out to ruin his life
*Master is busy, really busy with work and so i have kept all this to myself because i didnt want to bother him, and you know those dog leads that can be extended to quite a long length? well i feel like im on the end of one of those, and usually its not let out very far, but now its so far away that its harder to get control
*and all this has escalated, we have our weekend this weekend and we dont get them very often...anyone with children, work..will appreciate that getting weekends alone takes some planning..bit like a military operation lol....and i havent wanted anything to ruin that.
and what i need is this weekend, i need it but i have convinced myself i dont want it, i need to just escape and just 'be' but im frightened of how much of a fight im going to put up getting there.