I keep a handwritten journal, many of my more private thoughts, moments go in there, not necessarily kink related it has more detail about my children, family, details that wouldnt be safe to go here..being as its in the public arena as such.
This (the blog) is helpful in a different way, and i want to say that i appreciate every comment, i value the thoughts, opinions of others..even if i may disagree lol and i most definitely appreciate the support when im on a 'downer' so thankyou...all of you.
After a lot of discussion, and self reflection the triggers that have prompted me to have these feelings are a bit more clearer.
*i went to the doctors on Tuesday, he diagnosed me with depression, i dont believe i am, i dont think im in denial either, i wont be taking the prescription he gave me, nor seeing the therapist he recommended, i do admit that im finding it difficult, more than i imagined i would to adjust to my mum not being in my life, i see her, she sees the children but she doesnt acknowledge me....im not as ok about it as i was so sure i would be.
*i got it into my head that im a fraud, that im not submissive, i dont come accross as submissive, i dont have the apparent traits a submissive should have, and where all thats come from is anybodys guess.
*..life stuff..teenager stuff....its draining, worrying, upsetting constantly battling with my son...as far as he is concerned im just out to ruin his life
*Master is busy, really busy with work and so i have kept all this to myself because i didnt want to bother him, and you know those dog leads that can be extended to quite a long length? well i feel like im on the end of one of those, and usually its not let out very far, but now its so far away that its harder to get control
*and all this has escalated, we have our weekend this weekend and we dont get them very often...anyone with children, work..will appreciate that getting weekends alone takes some planning..bit like a military operation lol....and i havent wanted anything to ruin that.
and what i need is this weekend, i need it but i have convinced myself i dont want it, i need to just escape and just 'be' but im frightened of how much of a fight im going to put up getting there.
depression is a tricky thing. I think to often the medical profession takes one snippet of our lives and automatically states it's depression. in reality, there is so much going on in your life that you almost have no direction. you are doing everything, so your fuse is extremely short. that isn't depression, that is a scream for help.
ReplyDeletefirst of all--- Talk to your Master, if you have not already. Let Him decide what is best for you on a course of action to get these "debbie downer" feelings back on track. This is His job. It's part of the deal you made with Him when you decided to submit. Let Him be your strength.
teenagers...I won't even go there. mine is screaming for help. I know the problem, but he has to say the problem in order for it to get solved. hee rather run away from it, and the pain that its leaving him in is heartbreaking. it's so hard to give them the gentle hand when they think we know nothing. its has if they have lost trust in us as they try to spread their wings. frustrating!!
you will be in my thoughts as you work through this rough patch.
(((hugs)))
Yes i definitley agree re doctors wanting to label too many patients as being depressed, when i break it down..yes i have a lot going on at the moment, i am a stress head but im not depressed.
DeleteTeenagers...well i was warned its a difficult period and i thought it was going ok and then wham the last few months he has been awful.
thankyou
sincerely
x
Wow. You have a lot going on in your life. The life of a single mom is very, very stressful.
ReplyDeleteI think you are awesome and a role model for me.
I have no advice just big, big hugs and lots of positive thoughts.
Hug,
Joey
Thankyou joey
DeleteIm feeling more positive today so thats a good thing, i just need to accept that i cant manage this all on my own and its ok to go to therapy.....i have always been against it.
x
I think talking to your Master before the big weekend could clear the air, so to speak, and make room for all the rest of the things he wants to do. I know if I have emotional stuff clogged up, bottled up, it is VERY hard to let go and enjoy. Whereas, if I get all that out in the open with him, maybe have a crying spree, then I am more open to him, and to intimacy, and any fun that he has planned.
ReplyDeleteTalking it through does always help, its me that just doesnt like talking heavy emotional stuff..yeah even though i know i should and its better out than kept in.
Deletex
Aww big hugs.. I bet after your weekend together you will feel better...parenting teenagers is NO fun sometimes...its easier when they are younger..
ReplyDeleteyes having one night to ourselves is tricky...One night both our boys were spending the night somewhere so I took our daughter to my moms...Guess what both boys 13&16 ended up back home!!! Go away!!! Lol one might say "thats mean" lol yup I can be...
I think the boys are home now more than when they were younger lol
Life is hard in general then you add marriage that's a challenge. You add kids well that's chaos. Then you add Ttwd and well its time to jump out the window. run real fast ...rotfl ..
Feel free to email anytime
hugs
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteYes! its certainly more difficult as they get older, they are much more aware of whats going on around them and its not easy to get time alone......its a juggle lol
Deletethankyou ever so much
x
Such a mess! Sorry you have to deal with all of this!
ReplyDeleteI have a tendencey to let things build up and then it all gets too much...this is a habit i need to break....its not good to let things get like this.
Deletex
You need to talk to your Master about it and deep down you already know that. He is there to support you even when he is busy. He can't help you if he doesn't know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are feeling this way, hopefully putting it out here allowed you to analize some of it and gave youi a different perspective.
Enjoy the weekend, sometimes when it's starts out with resistance those are the best ones!
Yep...im talked to death lol
DeleteWriting here does help..even though its not something im really comfortable with not when it comes to discussing feelings..but better out that in,
oh im sure i will enjoy it..well some of it.
x