a post thats well just because i need to try to get my jumbled thoughts down, and hopefully avoid confrontation, i dont want to fight against him.
You know when you feel like its not going to take much to send you over the edge into a full on emotional outburst (or as he would call them stroppy tantrums)? well thats how im feeling.
Im putting it down to being tired, this week at work had been draining, staff shortages, and the new intake in the reception class has 5 children that identify as special needs and they all need to be assessed so their needs can be met, and it would be ok if it wasnt for the amount of stupid paperwork that goes with it....and the reality is the government is cracking down hard on funding and i know at least 2 of the children will not qualify...telling their parents that is difficult, it inevitably leads to the questions of "why is so-so's child eligible and mines not, etc etc"...its understandable
For once im glad he is busy, distracted, im getting on with what needs to be done, going through the motions, and thats about it. I have these thoughts going on in my head, im feeling resentful, pissed off, ....certainly not in the right frame of mind to sit and talk about it rationally...if anything its a 'im not giving in without a fight' mood...and that never ends well....for me.
and i feel like my masochist button has been switched off, i dont want, desire any pain at all, and i have been feeling like this for over a week now, kept it to myself...yeah i know i preach about talking things through....well i dont want to talk about it.
Normally it doesnt take much to entice me, the mere suggestion of pain..instead of carrot being dangled in front of a donkey with me it would be the cane and im responsive, ususally im begging for pain, its my go-to, my 'pick-me-up'.
im a bit concerned about this, not felt like this before, not where im just not on any level wanting it, i feel like there is a part of me that has been blocked, locked up...not sure if that makes any sense at all.