Saturday, 14 September 2013

Just blank

a post thats well just because i need to try to get my jumbled thoughts down, and hopefully avoid confrontation, i dont want to fight against him.

You know when you feel like its not going to take much to send you over the edge into a full on emotional outburst (or as he would call them stroppy tantrums)?  well thats how im feeling.

Im putting it down to being tired, this week at work had been draining, staff shortages, and the new intake in the reception class has 5 children that identify as special needs and they all need to be assessed so their needs can be met, and it would be ok if it wasnt for the amount of stupid paperwork that goes with it....and the reality is the government is cracking down hard on funding and i know at least 2 of the children will not qualify...telling their parents that is difficult, it inevitably leads to the questions of "why is so-so's child eligible and mines not, etc etc"...its understandable

For once im glad he is busy, distracted, im getting on with what needs to be done, going through the motions, and thats about it.  I have these thoughts going on in my head, im feeling resentful, pissed off, ....certainly not in the right frame of mind to sit and talk about it rationally...if anything its a 'im not giving in without a fight' mood...and that never ends well....for me.

and i feel like my masochist button has been switched off, i dont want, desire any pain at all, and i have been feeling like this for over a week now, kept it to myself...yeah i know i preach about talking things through....well i dont want to talk about it.

Normally it doesnt take much to entice me, the mere suggestion of pain..instead of carrot being dangled in front of a donkey with me it would be the cane and im responsive, ususally im begging for pain, its my go-to, my 'pick-me-up'.

im a bit concerned about this, not felt like this before, not where im just not on any level wanting it, i feel like there is a part of me that has been blocked, locked up...not sure if that makes any sense at all.


  1. tori,

    I think it makes sense .. at least it does to me anyway. O.o

    And I hate to tell you but maybe, just maybe, what you need (not want but need) IS the "confrontation" .. at least to talk about it with him. Get it out, let it go & free yourself????


  2. Awww I'm sorry you feel thst way.. I have been that way was about something he did and it took a week for me to get over it..I was very hurt about it and I was just done w him and Ttwd...

    it will all be better soon..maybe send him a text or email if he will allow you to tell your feelings that way...

    I'm here if you need to talk..big hugs

  3. Hi Tori,

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I'm sure the current pressures at work and tiredness are contributing. I think perhaps we all go through these periods and loose our mojo for a spell.

    I'm sure given time the desire will return. I hope you are able to communicate how you are feeling to him without confrontation. Give yourself a little time first if you can to try and recover from the tiredness and process your thoughts.


  4. Lack of sleep combined with work/life stress really puts a damper on things. Maybe try to find something to get out the frustration; punch a pillow, kick a tree, run/walk, jumping jacks, or a good spank might do the trick. And then try to sleep.

    Hope your back to normal soon!

    1. I just realized I spelt you're wrong... I hate when people do that

  5. Tori,

    I have had times when I did not want any pain. Did not want to deal with it and the stress of life. So, your feeling makes sense. And, sometimes when I need it I do not get it.

    I hope work stress eases.


  6. Hope things ease up for you soon. It is definitely hard coping with so much at one time especially when tired!

  7. Hope things get better for you. Tiredness and stress, not good to have in one week.

  8. I work with children too and understand the frustration you're going through. It's physically exhausting but then throw funding and red tape into the mess, it sometimes becomes unbearable. I hope things ease a little for you. Try to get some sleep, that always helps too!

  9. tori, i think your feeling is normal. stress is really high right now. maybe see about getting some you time. ((hugs))

  10. Bare with me....
    I never want to do the dishes. But once I get started, I realize that it's not so bad and maybe, just maybe I did really want to do them but knee jerk reaction was not not want to do them. When I'm finished with the dishes, I'm really glad I did them.

    Could it be that you might not want pain, but once He starts you'll realize that this is really what you need (and somewhere hidden, what you want)? Maybe you just need a little push to get past the wall, then it will tumble down. I don't know. Just throwing this out there.

    Hope it gets better.......

  11. I agree with Sarah and I'm sure it will come back.. you're just under stress.... working with kids can really take a lot out of you, so right now there's not much left for you. Maybe he can spank it back into you :)

  12. I know how you feel. And I know it sucks.

    Hope you're doing okay.