The bossman has an itch that is looking to be scratched, i sensed it, then he confirmed it, sometimes his need to hurt me is overwhelming, most of the time s/m is mutual enjoyment, then there are times like these when i know im going to suffer a lot, it will be about him, the sadist needs to sated.
The children will stay with their dad, or their friends for a long weekend, so im completely at his mercy and im torn between being excited but apprehensive, fearful as well because i know him at these times, i know its going to be rough.
I do love it, i wont bullshit about that, i just dont at the time, not the pain...its going to be more than im comfortable with and thats what makes me nervous, i suppose what i love is is the whole being broken down, to be stripped of any dignity, using humiliation and degredation he will dehumanise me so im a blank canvas ready to be 'worked' on.
The last time seems such a long time ago, since we 'played' really hard, well it has been a long time...work, kids etc..it takes a lot out of me and him, and i know from experience that it will be ok, i will be ok afterwards when he is sated, i bask in the after-effects as i 'come down', i like before and i absolutley love the after its the inbetween.
It just makes me, (and i know it shouldnt) think that i wish i could be more than i am, in the respect of masochistic, because i cant handle him at his worst, i have never experienced him at his worst..this will be just a taste of how sadistic he could be, and to be fair i think he is ok with that, he has never said other wise...but i just feel that i should be able to give him everything he needs and wants...and i feel a let down because he has to hold back.
tori,
ReplyDeleteAs I read this, my stomach clenched thinking of a weekend of pain for you. I imagine the weekend is almost all you can think of right now. I know you want hard scenes, I love hard scenes. But, I also know that anticipating the pain is all consuming. And, I know the pain is always worse than we remembered. At least it is for me.
When I suffer for the pleasure of Mistress, I am focused on not disappointing Her. I want to take what She gives and being a sadist She knows how to cause pain. She loves it when I wiggle and yell F%^K, actually scream it.
I never feel at the end of a scene that I have given enough, I have suffered enough. Despite the marks and cuts, I feel inadequate.
Is this common for us?
Saturday night I will surely be beat in the local dungeon. I will have you in my thoughts.
I hope that you are satisfied this weekend.
Hug,
joey
What a great question about inadequacy. i am feeling that right about now after our conversation last night. i know He doesn't feel i am inadequate, but i do. Wondering if that is common for us is a post i have been working on, but not ready to publish yet - too many scrambled thoughts.
DeleteI think it is a common feeling HS. I just wrote something on your blog.
Deletehi Joey
DeleteIts not this weekend, we have the w/e of 21st pencilled in...got to fit in when we can..kids, his work commitments etc..its really not always that easy.
I have thought a lot about what you said here, like His Slut said about inadequacy..yes i think it is quite a common train of thought..needing to do better.
x
Tori,
ReplyDeleteI can totally understand the mixture of emotions. As Joey said, I imagine it is all you can think of right now. I hope it goes well and that you both get what you need/want. I will be thinking of you.
I understand your feelings of wanting to give him more too. Whilst our dynamic is different to yours, I too feel the same when I struggle to handle a discipline spanking, or spanking or 'other attention' during play. Really though, it does sound as though you do give him what he needs.
Hugs,
Roz
hi Roz
DeleteIm sure it will give us both what we want and need, and im always a bag of mixed emotions before, i think like you said no matter the difference in dynamics the feelings are the same.
I hope i do give him what i needs, i would like to think so.
x
I feel like I could have written this myself! I know that my masochistic needs do not match my Masters sadist needs and am quite often left feeling inadequate...frustrated because I couldn't handle more. We talk about this often and he reassures me that it's my willingness to submit that pleases him, not how much I can endure.
ReplyDeleteGood luck in whatever he has planned for you!!
Thanks little girl
DeleteYes thats it, there is frustration because i feel i could/should have handled more, and yes he never has voiced that i should have done or even gave me any reason to think thats what he is thinking..its me!
Good to know im not alone with this way of thinking.
x
Oh, i am now curious what He has in store for you. i can feel your apprehension to the weekend. i think that is the worst part, that mind fuck game leading up to the scene. i think i would be better off not knowing what is going to happen, but just have my mind open to that anything can and will happen.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! Having a sadist Dom is both rewarding and frightening, if you ask me. :)
hugs. oh yes, and best advice i have ever been told - remember to breath. (i have a tendency to hold my breath, so it leaves me in an extreme panic state).
oh i will be sure to fill you in afterwards..well some of it!
DeleteI have had the argument with myself over is it best not knowing or to know..and i dont believe i still have decided whats best lol
I dont tend to hold my breath, although i have in the past had states of being in a panic and need to be 'talked down'
I love the fact that he is a sadist, and yes it is rewarding but also at times frightening.
x
Tori,
ReplyDeleteThose seeds of anticipation are sometimes the greatest mind-bend, ever!
I get the feelings of wanting to be more than you are...but we're in this together.
Ahh yes i do love the anticipation, and i love the after...its just the bloody inbetween lol
Deletex
Are you counting the hours? Minutes?
ReplyDeleteNot at the moment because still have a fortnight to go, its when its less than a week i will be getting really excited and worked up.
Deletex
Oh that mixture of excitement, fear, anxiety, anticipation...it's enough to make your head spin. I hope you both have a fabulous time and you are left feeling loved and cared for.
ReplyDeletehugs
p
Yes it is very much all those emotions, and i know deep down it will be ok, and for the most part i will enjoy it, i know he loves and cares for me and thats what makes me endure it.
Deletex
You describe those mixed feelings so so well. I've wondered if the power exchange would really work if we truly believed we were all they ever wanted. Somehow I think that there has to be enough humility to think we can give more, without it descending into disabling insecurity. I do hope it goes as he wants it to, and that it is what is right for you too.
ReplyDeleteoh gg
DeleteI really hadnt looked at it in this perspective before, and i have been dwelling on your comment since reading it.
What you said makes perfect sense, now why couldnt i see it like that!
I know my problem is insecurity, which isnt helpful at all.
thankyou
x
Mh, well looking forward to hearing about your weekend! Enjoy this, long and hard worked for, weekend!
ReplyDeleteOh we will, have a couple weeks yet, have to organise it to fit around getting the children sorted and mostly his work!
Deletex
anticipation can be all consuming. I am sure The Bossman will only want as much as you can give and be happy with that :) I am sure he wouldnt want you to try to give more than you can because that could lead to emotional and physical damage.
ReplyDeleteHang in there :) i will look forward to reading about it :)
Love and hugs kiwi xxx
thanks kiwi
DeleteI know deep down he is happy with me and what i give, i know its just me and my emotions that make things more complicated than they need to be.
But yes i know he would never do anthing intentionally that would damage me in any way.
x
Maybe he does want more but, maybe you are everything he needs? I don't know, I have no idea what I'm talking about, lol.
ReplyDeletelol you know i think this may be close to the mark
Deletex
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSometimes tori it's the anticipation that's worse than when it's just sprung on you.
ReplyDeleteSending many, many hugs your way.
Hugs,
mouse
Thanks mouse
DeleteI dont know whats wrong with me at the moment, to be honest im just not feeling it at the moment, i will probably be ok when it happens but now...that urge isnt there!
x