Thursday 5 September 2013

Mumbles of whats to come

The bossman has an itch that is looking to be scratched, i sensed it, then he confirmed it, sometimes his need to hurt me is overwhelming, most of the time s/m is mutual enjoyment, then there are times like these when i know im going to suffer a lot, it will be about him, the sadist needs to sated.

The children will stay with their dad, or their friends for a long weekend, so im completely at his mercy and im torn between being excited but apprehensive, fearful as well because i know him at these times, i know its going to be rough.

I do love it, i wont bullshit about that, i just dont at the time, not the pain...its going to be more than im comfortable with and thats what makes me nervous, i suppose what i love is is the whole being broken down, to be stripped of any dignity, using humiliation and degredation he will dehumanise me so im a blank canvas ready to be 'worked' on.

The last time seems such a long time ago, since we 'played' really hard, well it has been a long time...work, kids etc..it takes a lot out of me and him, and i know from experience that it will be ok, i will be ok afterwards when he is sated, i bask in the after-effects as i 'come down', i like before and i absolutley love the after its the inbetween.

It just makes me, (and i know it shouldnt) think that i wish i could be more than i am, in the respect of masochistic, because i cant handle him at his worst, i have never experienced him at his worst..this will be just a taste of how sadistic he could be, and to be fair i think he is ok with that, he has never said other wise...but i just feel that i should be able to give him everything he needs and wants...and i feel a let down because he has to hold back.



















27 comments:

  1. tori,

    As I read this, my stomach clenched thinking of a weekend of pain for you. I imagine the weekend is almost all you can think of right now. I know you want hard scenes, I love hard scenes. But, I also know that anticipating the pain is all consuming. And, I know the pain is always worse than we remembered. At least it is for me.

    When I suffer for the pleasure of Mistress, I am focused on not disappointing Her. I want to take what She gives and being a sadist She knows how to cause pain. She loves it when I wiggle and yell F%^K, actually scream it.

    I never feel at the end of a scene that I have given enough, I have suffered enough. Despite the marks and cuts, I feel inadequate.

    Is this common for us?

    Saturday night I will surely be beat in the local dungeon. I will have you in my thoughts.

    I hope that you are satisfied this weekend.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. What a great question about inadequacy. i am feeling that right about now after our conversation last night. i know He doesn't feel i am inadequate, but i do. Wondering if that is common for us is a post i have been working on, but not ready to publish yet - too many scrambled thoughts.

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    2. I think it is a common feeling HS. I just wrote something on your blog.

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    3. hi Joey

      Its not this weekend, we have the w/e of 21st pencilled in...got to fit in when we can..kids, his work commitments etc..its really not always that easy.

      I have thought a lot about what you said here, like His Slut said about inadequacy..yes i think it is quite a common train of thought..needing to do better.

      x

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  2. Tori,

    I can totally understand the mixture of emotions. As Joey said, I imagine it is all you can think of right now. I hope it goes well and that you both get what you need/want. I will be thinking of you.

    I understand your feelings of wanting to give him more too. Whilst our dynamic is different to yours, I too feel the same when I struggle to handle a discipline spanking, or spanking or 'other attention' during play. Really though, it does sound as though you do give him what he needs.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. hi Roz

      Im sure it will give us both what we want and need, and im always a bag of mixed emotions before, i think like you said no matter the difference in dynamics the feelings are the same.

      I hope i do give him what i needs, i would like to think so.

      x

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  3. I feel like I could have written this myself! I know that my masochistic needs do not match my Masters sadist needs and am quite often left feeling inadequate...frustrated because I couldn't handle more. We talk about this often and he reassures me that it's my willingness to submit that pleases him, not how much I can endure.

    Good luck in whatever he has planned for you!!

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    1. Thanks little girl

      Yes thats it, there is frustration because i feel i could/should have handled more, and yes he never has voiced that i should have done or even gave me any reason to think thats what he is thinking..its me!

      Good to know im not alone with this way of thinking.

      x

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  4. Oh, i am now curious what He has in store for you. i can feel your apprehension to the weekend. i think that is the worst part, that mind fuck game leading up to the scene. i think i would be better off not knowing what is going to happen, but just have my mind open to that anything can and will happen.

    Good luck! Having a sadist Dom is both rewarding and frightening, if you ask me. :)

    hugs. oh yes, and best advice i have ever been told - remember to breath. (i have a tendency to hold my breath, so it leaves me in an extreme panic state).

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    1. oh i will be sure to fill you in afterwards..well some of it!

      I have had the argument with myself over is it best not knowing or to know..and i dont believe i still have decided whats best lol

      I dont tend to hold my breath, although i have in the past had states of being in a panic and need to be 'talked down'

      I love the fact that he is a sadist, and yes it is rewarding but also at times frightening.

      x

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  5. Tori,

    Those seeds of anticipation are sometimes the greatest mind-bend, ever!
    I get the feelings of wanting to be more than you are...but we're in this together.

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    1. Ahh yes i do love the anticipation, and i love the after...its just the bloody inbetween lol

      x

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  6. Are you counting the hours? Minutes?

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    1. Not at the moment because still have a fortnight to go, its when its less than a week i will be getting really excited and worked up.

      x

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  7. Oh that mixture of excitement, fear, anxiety, anticipation...it's enough to make your head spin. I hope you both have a fabulous time and you are left feeling loved and cared for.

    hugs
    p

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    1. Yes it is very much all those emotions, and i know deep down it will be ok, and for the most part i will enjoy it, i know he loves and cares for me and thats what makes me endure it.

      x

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  8. You describe those mixed feelings so so well. I've wondered if the power exchange would really work if we truly believed we were all they ever wanted. Somehow I think that there has to be enough humility to think we can give more, without it descending into disabling insecurity. I do hope it goes as he wants it to, and that it is what is right for you too.

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    1. oh gg

      I really hadnt looked at it in this perspective before, and i have been dwelling on your comment since reading it.

      What you said makes perfect sense, now why couldnt i see it like that!

      I know my problem is insecurity, which isnt helpful at all.

      thankyou

      x

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  9. Mh, well looking forward to hearing about your weekend! Enjoy this, long and hard worked for, weekend!

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    1. Oh we will, have a couple weeks yet, have to organise it to fit around getting the children sorted and mostly his work!

      x

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  10. anticipation can be all consuming. I am sure The Bossman will only want as much as you can give and be happy with that :) I am sure he wouldnt want you to try to give more than you can because that could lead to emotional and physical damage.
    Hang in there :) i will look forward to reading about it :)
    Love and hugs kiwi xxx

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    1. thanks kiwi

      I know deep down he is happy with me and what i give, i know its just me and my emotions that make things more complicated than they need to be.

      But yes i know he would never do anthing intentionally that would damage me in any way.

      x

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  11. Maybe he does want more but, maybe you are everything he needs? I don't know, I have no idea what I'm talking about, lol.

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    1. lol you know i think this may be close to the mark

      x

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  13. Sometimes tori it's the anticipation that's worse than when it's just sprung on you.

    Sending many, many hugs your way.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. Thanks mouse

      I dont know whats wrong with me at the moment, to be honest im just not feeling it at the moment, i will probably be ok when it happens but now...that urge isnt there!

      x

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